From the birds and the bees, to family trees.: The Most Amazing Band EVER!!!

The Most Amazing Band EVER!!!
15 May 2013

I think that I could cook up the most perfect band ever! The most ridiculously talented group of musicians of all time.

If death of an artist, money, and the problem of different eras and styles of music were not a problem, I’d be able to put together a killer band for sure.

And if I was super loaded and money was not an issue, I could buy any artist I would like out of any existing contract they might be tied into as well. Furthermore, with a big enough financial carrot being dangled, I think most artists would go with my plan.

As for death – I would be able to resurrect some of the most awesome artists ever that have roamed our fair earth. I would coax them from the very clutches of death herself, and bring them back to life for my band.

And with regards to different eras and styles of music? Well that one is quite simple. A good musician, is able to adapt and go with the flow and will therefore easily adjust to any style of music.

So, basically – all potential problems solved.

So pray tell, who exactly would I include?

Well, Jimi Hendrix is a given. I think he was ground breaking. Incredibly talented. A true icon in terms of fashion, his innate sense of style and musical ability. Aeons ahead of his time. Any awesome band, would be incomplete without his inclusion.

John Lennon without a doubt. His music writing abilities were astounding, and I always felt that the winning song writing duo of Lennon and McCartney, were always more heavily tipped on the Lennon side of the scale. His lyrics, particularly in his later years, were poignant and he had a strong sense of caring for our planet and the people who inhabit her. His message was one of love and acceptance. And as for harmonising? All I can say is legendary.

Elvis – it stands to reason, that The King would be included in my band. In the history of music, was anyone really greater than him? Has anyone ever lived up to his iconic status? He had a seminal influence, either directly or indirectly, on all of the music and musicians that followed after him. He was a pioneer in the music industry and make ground breaking changes. His inclusion is a given.

Stevie Ray Vaughan. Now that boy could make a guitar weep, never mind cry. He had such a unique sound. Addictive in fact, making one want to listen to more and more. He is one of the greatest guitarists that ever lived and he inspired a whole generation to attempt to follow in his footsteps.

Bob Marley educated a generation on reggae music. He taught about caring about more than just money. He was humble. He was grounded. I believed he lived a fairly honourable life. His lyrics gripped our hearts and spoke to us. And as for his music? It seduced us.

Keith Moon – will a greater drummer ever be born? From what I can understand, he was part lunatic, part genius. He was the king of the skins and he was able to bring The Who followers to their knees in absolute adoration of his brilliance.

Kurt Cobain’s death was a great loss. Like so many of the greats, he was a visionary. Perhaps most appreciated after his passing. He forged a path in music, that had never before been taken. And I believe that he was truly in it, for the music. Not for the fans. Not for the money. Not for the recognition. He just quite simply loved the music. And he had a story to tell.

Janis Joplin would never ever have had a need for a vocal amplifier. She had a huge pair of lungs on her and her vocal range was truly amazing. Even when she screamed and screeched her lyrics, she was pitch perfect and had absolute control over her voice.

Jim Morrison would have brought sex appeal to any band he joined. In addition, he had a husky, soulful voice, that spoke to one. I think he would have been able to, with his voice alone, reach into your chest and rip your heart right out. He could coax those type of emotions and make you believe anything he crooned at you in his lyrics.

Amy Winehouse is another great loss. She was a troubled soul. Her own worst enemy. On an apparent self-destruct mission. One she clearly succeeded in. Sadly for us. I think she also was never quite understood and was most likely a lonely person, surrounded by thousands of adoring fans. Her talent was obvious and it is sad that her passing could not have been prevented. It appeared as if she was begging for help, through her actions alone.

Freddy Mercury simply had the very biggest stage persona around. He engaged with his audience and was a phenomenal showman. He pulled them under his spell, and swept them up through the magic of the music. A gifted man indeed.

Karen Carpenter had a hauntingly, sweet and beautiful voice. Absolutely pure. Crystal clear. And though I am not a Carpenters fan, she was exceptionally talented. The tone of her voice was incredible, and though she might not necessarily cope and adapt to the band of misfits of my other selected stars, I do think she would have been an awesome inclusion.

Now, I don’t mean to cause too much offense. Only a little bit would suffice. But there are simply some people, I would not invite into my band. From a South African perspective alone, even if they turned up at my door, in a zombified state, begging for inclusion, I’d have to turn them down. I do not want Worsie Visser. People named after processed foods are questionable. Bless Bridges would not be welcomed either. People named after receding hairstyles, are also questionable. I am sure they are talented in their own genre, it is simply not my taste in music. I’m sure they probably wouldn’t want to be included in any rate.

And so, can you just imagine, the music my band would be able to produce? All the musicians, masters at their instruments. The cream of the crop. The elite if you wish.

But I do sadly foresee a few problems. Alcohol and drugs could very well be their demise. A second time round for some. Added to that, I think there might be the odd monster-sized ego too. Many might express a wish to name the band after themselves. Sort of a “Keith Moon and friends” kind of vibe. Predictably this could lead to tensions.

And so, I’d have to have a few preventative measures in place to ensure my new band’s success. I’d have a full time team, dedicated to keeping Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Keith Moon and Janis Joplin off the drugs. I’d have a whole team, yes, a whole team, keeping Amy Winehouse off the booze. I’d keep Elvis off the booze, the drugs and the food and ensure he had round the clock medical care. He was battling in his personal life, as so many of them do, so perhaps a therapist would be welcomed to the team too. The same medical practitioner, who helped Elvis, would be employed to cure Bob Marley’s melanoma. I’d do my best to keep Freddy Mercury away from all the good looking boys, and possibly educate him on safe sex in the process. I’d employ a dedicated dietician, to feeding Karen Carpenter. I’d never let Stevie Ray Vaughan get in a helicopter. Ever. And I’d have a ban on guns anywhere near my guys. In that way, I’ll be able to save both John Lennon and Kurt Cobain.

See! All sorted.

Perhaps the biggest problem of all, will be the naming of my band. But I think I’ve got that licked too. We’ll go for an acronym of sorts.

“4J’s, 3K’s & the BEAFS”

And, as their leader and supreme commander, my first order of business, will be to order them to immortalize me in music.

I’d finally have my very own song. Perfect!