31 May 2014
I would hereby like to nominate myself, Helene Magda Cloete, for the Nobel Peace Prize. The highest possible honour to be bestowed on an individual. Most importantly, the greatest award I will most likely ever receive. Apart from being award Weigh-Less Boland Slimmer Of The Year (From back in the day when I was a real porker. Obviously I was their favourite loser. Personally I prefer to view the whole loser-thing in a positive light. Just saying).
Anyway, back to my Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, yes, nominating myself might seem a bit distasteful and boastful, but still. Once you realise the magnitude of my brilliance, I suspect fellow nominations for my greatness will follow. In the thousands. Nay, millions. In fact, I suspect the Nobel Committee, will have an influx such as they have never witnessed before.
So pray tell, what is my great invention? What marvel of science did I develop? What philanthropic effort to benefit world peace, end third world debt, and promote fair basic living conditions for one and all, did I devise?
Well, I thought I’d keep you in suspense a little longer. Rather than go into a lengthy diatribe, heralding my greatness, I thought I’d do it in a novel new way. I’d share my acceptance speech with you (I mean of course I’m going to win – it’s a no-brainer!). It seemed only fair that I prepare one. Nothing worse than standing on the stage, trophy in hand, mumbling your way through a garbled and incoherent tribute of thanks, whilst your adoring crowd is clapping away, giving you a standing ovation. It really was for the best that I wrote one in advance. Yet another measure of how good I am at forward planning. I really have covered all of the bases here.
And so, without any further ado:
Ladies and gentlemen, I would firstly like to thank the Committee. I humbly accept this award as a token of my genius. And apologise for the rush in nominations my invention caused. Secondly, I would like to thank my fellow nominees. It is an honour for me, to be regarded and seen in the same light as captains of industry, doctors of medicine and science, and professors of literature. Being a recipient of the Nobel Laureate will forever more be one of the highlights of my life. Along with my Weigh-Less certificate of course (It’s a very fetching green piece of paper with an emblem and everything! Bit disappointing that the signature on there, is but merely a facsimile of the real thing, but bygones. My name is still handwritten at the top of the certificate – in blue ballpoint.).
Now as for the history behind my little invention: I am a semi-proud owner of a teenager. Yes, lucky, lucky me. I can attest to the fact that the teenager of the species is a trying specimen indeed. Moreover, they’re not solitary creatures. They morph and multiply. In addition, they roam in packs. And hence in an effort to repel them, I invented the TEENAGE WEAKNESS IRRITATION THWARTING SYSTEM. Shortly known as TWITS. Clever, I know. You get it right? Twits!
Anyway, so exactly what does TWITS comprise and entail? Well, it’s multi-faceted. Complex, yet simple at the same time. It aims to hit them at all of their weak spots. Leave no stone unturned. And have no avenue of repelling ability unchartered.
- Don’t have good, enticing, tempting food in the house. No sweets. No sugary or chocolaty treats. No take-aways. No wheat. No fruit. To be safe, I advise vegetables only. Of the worst possible type. Brussel sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower for good measure too. And as for liquid refreshments? Water only. Mind you, not refrigerated water either. Preferably tepid. Neither hot nor cold. No ice ever. Though should you feel like giving them a spoil, you could try and tempt them with a nice nourishing veggie smoothie. As long as they make it themselves. By hand. Perhaps a combo of beetroot, broccoli, onions, leeks and gem squash?
- No technology. Hide the TV remote. Better even, disconnect the DStv. Internet unplugged. PlayStation mysteriously “damaged”. DVD player sadly “faulty”. Xbox unfortunately “in for repairs”.
- Now I resort to a subsection – a slight differentiation between boys and girls. For girls – declare a make-up free zone. Cover all mirrors. Hide the brushes, hair straighteners, and jewellery too. Accessorising is taboo. Baking, an all-time favourite girl’s last resort, obviously a no-no. Lack of sugar and wheat remember. For boys – outside play is forbidden. Remove all manner of balls, bats, rackets and equipment with wheels such as skateboards, bicycles, j-boards, penny boards and long boards too.
- Only make pre-approved literary material available. Nature magazines. Financial journals. Historical works of non-fiction. And please note – no illustrations at all. Nothing. At a push, graphs are allowed. But no colour please.
- Present a doctor’s certificate (these can easily be fabricated or downloaded off the internet). Proclaiming horrendous and potentially fatal ear infection, barring noise of all kind. No CD’s, no music, no instruments of any kind. Not even a whisper of sound may be heard, so delicate are your ears. Instead, all forms of communication, will be restricted to written. On unlined paper. In cursive. With a red pen. Using double spacing.
- Declare yourself unfit for taxi-ing duty. Just expand on some license revoked story or other. Or car broken down. You can even resort to lack of petrol, if push comes to shove.
Cause the alternative for them is terrible. Writing notes to each other with red pens, on unlined paper, in cursive, whilst they’re sitting in quiet rooms, munching on some Brussel sprouts, displaying all their spots and zits, and frizzy hair, looking forlornly at broken TV’s, unable to find a ball, pouring over financial journals and black and white pictures of the lesser-spotted-toad.
Yip, you’ll be free of all twits for sure. Yeehaaa!!!
Btw - Moms, Dads, and fellow adults - it's a pleasure. One small step for one small parent. A giant leap for parenting of teens. (I will be selling Franchising opportunities, with step-by-step instructions on how to follow my TWITS plan. Including certificates upon completion. I'll even do my own signature. In a green pen, if you like.)
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