Friday, 29 January 2016

Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.

Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.
29 January 2016

Following on from yesterday's Beginner Level Badges, from my Mom's Society, I present to you with the Intermediate Badge Requirements listed below:

  • Personal Space Badge this badge is awarded to mothers at birth.  However, it is a gift that keeps on giving.  Children have no sense of personal space.  Nor boundaries.  It is a concept, they simply cant grasp.  Nothing is sacred.  Not even the air you breath.  They are particularly fond of breaching the personal space bubble, when they are sick.  And simply dying to give you gastro too.  Or on the odd occasion, when they have a nightmare, and you selflessly invite them into your bed, so that you can comfort them.  Beeeeeg mistake!  They will hog your duvet, your pillow and mattress space too, and you will find yourself, doing a death-defying cling to the outer ends of the bottom left hand corner of the mattress, for a wee little bit of sleeping space.  Only to find a foot in your face.  One wearing your sock.  Jeez!
  • I-Forgot-I-Have-A-Test/Oral/Project Badge this badge is only ever awarded after bedtime.  Which is when unparalleled amazing memory recall from offspring, usually comes into play.  Mere hours before the aforementioned test, oral or project.  In general, requests of this manner are hardly ever generic.  Rather, theyre extremely type specific, of the I need Lumo green A3 paper, variety.  Something hard to drum up out of thin air.  Like having failed to mention the need to dutifully record the moon phases for the previous lunar month, complete with accompanying pictures.  You know, sort of easy-to-achieve things.  You can simply fabricate.. Why just a few years ago, my one kid recorded the most cloudy moonless nights in living history
  • Triangle/Square Badge this award is given to all those mothers who have accidently cut their beloved offsprings lovingly prepared sandwich into triangles, when it was meant to be cut into squares.  However, the reverse is also possible.  Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted triangles and you foolishly presented them with squares.  Pffft!
  • I’ll-Do-It-Myself Badge this award is given to all mothers who have heard this phrase over and over again.  It can be noted that this phrase is most often uttered by children, who really cant be doing what they want to be doing, by themselves.  Like peeling their own orange, with a sharp knife, at the age of three.  However it is not merely reserved for death-defying feats.  It is also uttered most frequently, when the mothers are pressed for time.  And theyre in a reeeaaallly big hurry.  Like being late for the school run with a kid in Gr1 (they stress terribly at this age), and your delightful toddler, insists on first putting their snack box into their school bag for playschool, and having a lengthy struggle with a stubborn zipper on the offending bag.  Then insisting on putting their bag on their back, on their own, battling to get their arms through the straps.  All this in aid of the 12 step journey to the car.  Having reached the car, they then insist on taking the bag off their back.  Battling once more.  Then they insist on climbing into the car, at a snails pace.  Before struggling with strapping themselves into the safety belt.  All of this accompanied by howling from the Gr1 kid.  In hindsight, never leave home without earmuffs.  They come in handy at the most unexpected times. 
  • Safety Belt Badge this badge is awarded to all mothers who on a daily basis, has to utter the time-old-phrase of please put your safety belt on.  This despite this being the norm, for every single car trip.  Ever taken.  Anywhere.  No exceptions.  Ever.
  • Toothbrush Badge this badge is a really trying one and simply always well deserved.  It entails the mother uttering, please brush your teeth in a calm and friendly voice.  Followed shortly thereafter, by, go and brush your teeth, and then, Your teeth!.  Lastly followed by, for the 4th/5th/6th time, go and brush your teeth right now.  At this point, it is a given, that the child has still not brushed their teeth.  After a few more terse and less friendly instructions, sometimes accompanied by an increasingly raised voice, the child might eventually proclaim to have brushed their teeth.  You might even hear the sounds of the electric toothbrush in the distance.  But do not be fooled.  The wily child, simply puts the toothbrush on.  Without putting toothpaste on it first.  Wetting it.  Or even putting it in their mouth.  They will try this tactic every single morning.  And most especially at night.  They are slimy little suckers when it comes to brushing their teeth. 
  • Towel Badge mothers who spend an inordinate amount of time picking up or instructing their offspring to pick up their towels, need no explanation for this award.  It speaks for itself.
  • Lice Badge the lice badge is also slightly larger than the average badge.  And is gold embossed.  It entails the long suffering mother spending hours of her life, combing out nits out of a howling childs hair.  A child who proclaims at 23 second intervals, youre pulling my hair.  There is a reason, that lice combs are used.  And not lice brushes.  A whack from a lice comb, does not inflict too much damage.  Whereas brush beatings can be rather severe.  It really is an in-built safety measure.  The reason for the gold embossed badge, is the fact that lice infestations, are the equivalent of a relay race.  Lasting weeks.  No sooner have you deloused child one, before they pass it on to kid 2.  Just when kid 2 is lice-free, kid 3 is infected.  And kid 1 starts complaining of itching once more.  Lice badge moms are known to be overly fond of alcohol. 
  • Communicable Disease Badge the Communicable Disease Badge is not an easy achievement.  And is usually achieved after Chickenpox.  Once more, Chickenpox, is not so much a disease, at it is a relay race.  The itchy baton being passed from one kid onto the next.  If you have 3 kids, you can find yourself housebound for 5 weeks.  With miserable kids.  Spotty miserable kids.  Who cant refrain from scratching.  The benefit of most anti-itching oral medicines, is the high alcohol content.  There comes a point, when the kids are too zonked to scratch.  Use this time to sleep.
  • Walking Tissue Badge this badge, goes to every single mom who has ever used her t-shirt, dress, jersey, sweater, scarf or pants to wipe a childs nose.  On rare occasions, she can even be known to sacrifice a sock, or her handbag lining.  At a push, a till slip from Checkers has also done the trick.
  • Cartoon Badge this badge is awarded to moms who have lost a certain range of hearing, due to squeaky cartoon voices.  The decibel range is forever more scarred.  Upon hearing just a few seconds of the Barney song, or the voice of Phinneus, or Hannah Montana, these moms can be found in the corners of rooms.  In a foetal position, rocking themselves, mumbling, make it stop, over and over again.  They have also been known to make bizarre looking Voodoo dolls, resembling Hannah Montana and Barbie.  Occasionally even Spiderman and Superman.
  • Learner License Badge I dont really feel that I need to expand much on this one.  Suffice it to say, that you as the mother, are a blithering idiot.  Knowing very little about driving and road safety.  Which is surprising, I suppose.  Given the fact that most moms of Learner Licence kids, have been driving for 20 years or more.  But fear not.  Your Learner Licence driver knows everything!  Can drive anything.  And the fact that they occasionally nip the side walk or stall the car, is merely a means of keeping you on the edge of your seat and ensuring that your knuckle defying clutch on the sides of your seat, is not released.  It can be noted that mothers of Learner Licence kids, all of a sudden find themselves, with offspring who have developed extra sensory hearing.  At the merest tinkle of car keys, they come racing down the passage, with a request to drive you somewhere.  These mothers are known to go into stealth mode on occasion, to avoid just such an experience.  Using extreme caution to remove the car keys from the hook at the kitchen door, occasionally going into fictitious bouts of coughing, to mask the sound of jingling keys.  Learner Licence kids are also fond of the element of dodging the law.  Requests for driving are often uttered, when they dont actually have their Learner Licence on their person.  Because, the police will never pull us over, no one will ever know, and my personal favourite, I know how to drive, I wont have an accident.  Learner Licence moms are also overly fond of alcohol.  Occasionally they indulge intentionally, so that they themselves are over the legal limit, therefore avoiding the whole teenage driving experience altogether. 
  • Teenage Badge the Teenage Badge is not only bigger than the average badge, gold embossed and emblazoned with tassels, it also comes with a voucher for a rare treat -  a set of earphones and an iPod to muffle out the sounds of teenage whining and demands, a sleeping eye mask to prevent accidently witnessing uninhibited eye rolling and a t-shirt, stating, been there, done that, wearing the t-shirt right now.  Unless you have actually parented a teenager, you have no comprehension of exactly what this entails.  Boundaries will be crossed.  Experimenting will occur.  Liquor will be consumed (not only by you).  Cigarettes will be smoked.  Hormones will be having a party.  There will be boy/girl problems.  Teachers will be declared unfair.  Homework will be ruled archaic and senseless.  Curfews will be deemed outdated.  No matter how old you are, how many children you have born, the fact that you have completed school, and tertiary education, youve run a home, had a few jobs, endured many a hardship, you still would not have it as bad as them.  In addition, despite your advanced years and life experience, they are sure to know more.  About everything.  Yip, theyre special like that.  A particular favourite of mine, is the slow way they speak to me on occasion.  Enunciating with care.  As if Im the most intellectually challenged person, every having crossed their path.  Its a miracle Im bright enough to cook them supper every night, without burning the house down.
  • Lunchbox Unpack Badge this is a badge that youll find yourself earning again, and again, and again.  Kids have a latent, inherent inability to unpack their lunchbox from their school bags at the end of every day.  It might be a physiological design error.  A group of teenage intellectuals are investigating this phenomenon right now.  But theyre finding the research a bit lame
  • Fussy Eater Badge aaaaahhh yes!  The Fussy Eater Badge.  This badge is mostly reserved for families of multiple children.  Where more than one child has a dislike for some random food substance, for no obvious reason.  Like eggs.  Please note that said child does not have an allergy.  Said child just doesnt like the thought of eggs.  However, eggs in batter is allowed for treats like pancakes, waffles, flap jacks, cakes, etc.  The Fussy Eater likes to be picky about something that most other people are not fussed about at all.  Vegetables are a common thread.  Occasionally, the fussy eater, picks a colour of vegetable they distrust.  For no obvious reason.  For example.  All of my kids are absolutely crazy about my Spaghetti Bolognaise.  Particularly, when they dont have the bolognaise bit with their spaghetti.  And they actually only have the plain cooked spaghetti on its own.  Some even like to forego the whole cooking-the-pasta-ritual.  And like to eat their pasta raw.  It makes for very crunchy meal times.  #wishiwasjoking
  • Acceleration Reflex Badge this badge is awarded to the moms with the most amount of self-restraint ever.  The Acceleration Reflex Badge is only ever awarded to mothers of teenagers.  It happens in that exact moment, when youve spent a bit of time with your all-knowing and wise teen in the car, and you drop them off somewhere.  And as they get out of the car, and they walk in front of you, you have to clamp down on the urge to accelerate.  And flatten them.  Acceleration Reflex Badge moms often have white knuckles and clenched teeth.
  • Chore Badge the Chore Badge is awarded to those moms who have braved the wrath of their children.  By daring to give them humiliating and demeaning tasks.  Like making their beds.  Unpacking the dishwasher.  And setting the table.  These are clearly an evil manner of mother.  Respect!
  • Extra-mural Badge this badge is awarded to those moms who have wasted away the best years of their lives, gaining pigmentation next to the sports field.  Watching their kids playing hockey, tennis, netball and rugby.  Mostly with mediocre skills.  Theyve done swimming lessons and karate.  Art, modern dancing and ballet.  There have been instruments string, wind and percussion.  There has been choir and Playball.  The list goes on and on.  And on and on.  These moms have done it all.  Albeit from the side lines.  They actually deserve medals, one and all.
  • Make-over Badge this badge is mainly awarded to the mothers of girls.  For bravely enduring the worst manicures in history.  The clown-like make-up applications and the  eyeball watering, scalp and hair pulling endured, during the routine offers from their daughters to do their hair.  Brave mothers have endured this all.  Even worse, theyve professed to love the results.
  • Are-You-Wearing-That Badge the badge goes to the moms of teens.  Babies dont care what you wear.  Theyre not discerning about what style of clothes they ruin and stain for you.  Toddlers and young children are not too fussed either.  However, the second one of your children develops hormones, they become the fashion police.  It.  Does.  Not.  Matter.  What.  You.  Wear..You.  Will.  Get.  It.  Wrong.  Guaranteed.  Its too long or too short.  Too bright or too dull.  Its got too many pockets.  Or not enough pockets.  The golden rule is this wear it anyway.  Because history will prove, in 10 short years, when they look back upon the pics taken on this very day..That.  They.  Were.  Wrong.  Because who actually looks like an idiot?  Undies are called just that undies.  It implies that the garment is meant to be worn UNDERNEATH something.  To name but one example.  Weve all lived to regret our teenage dressing disasters.  Why, personally I can attest to the bubble skirt fiasco.  The yellow/purple combo at all times.  The hair bubble too.  So heres my suggestion simply bide your time.  Take pics of what theyre wearing this very minute.  Its a bit of a long game, but fear not you will be victorious!
  • Art Work Badge this badge is particularly applicable to mothers of playschool and preschool children.  Rule of thumb never presume to know or understand what the artwork is.  It might look like a sweet little painting of a dog.  But chances are, its a turtle.  Or a frog.  Possibly even a car.  The first time they come home with a box construction, its all rather sweet.  Until you realise that box-construction-day is every Thursday.  And you are never allowed to throw anything away.  EVER!  Any given masterpiece can consist out of an empty 17kg box of corn flakes, a Berocca tube, a tissue box, a rusk box, a toilet roll inner, a box that formerly contained batteries, and a shoebox.  All miraculously glued together with 3l of cold glue.  Which is never quite dry.  So it gloops down all over your car.  And have I mentioned yet that its covered in glitter?  Red if you please.  In addition, brace yourself there is a whole subdivision dedicated to loo roll creations.  At Easter time, theyre turned into cutesie little bunnies.  At Xmas they become Santa.  At Valentines Day they become picture frame holders and at ..  And so the list goes on.  And dont even let me get started on the dry noodle creations.  You have but nooooo idea.  Unless youre an Art Work Badge mom.  In which case youll get it.  And only too well.  So heres my advice.  Deconstruct the box-construction creations, piece by piece.  And smuggle the bits out of your house.  Weekly.  In small deposits, in the big black bin, on bin collection day.  Shortly before collection.  This all done, lest the child becomes suspicious of your activities and they decide to investigate the bin.  Hell hath no fury, like a child whose artwork has been violated  If you are ever caught out, desecrating artwork, my advice is this LIE!  Save yourself and blame the father

Lots of food for thought Moms.  I am sure that without too much effort, many of you, have already qualified for an enviable amount of badges.  Such is our multi-tasking skills.  While you've been thinking you've been merely parenting away, day in and day out, with your main goal simply being bedtime when the little cherubs go off to sleep, you have inadvertently already qualified for many a badge.

Tomorrow I will end off with the highest level of badge earning - Level 3 - Experienced/Advanced.  Stay tuned for more tomorrow... 

Thursday, 28 January 2016

I'm starting my own Mom's variation of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies - Beginner Level

I'm starting my own Mom's variation of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies - Beginner Level
28 January 2016

Ive decided Im going to take a page out of old Baden Powells book.  Look if he can start a secret society, so can I.

Just think of the fun.  Ill do a special handshake.  And make a salute of sorts.  Possibly a uniform (though it wont be brown).  And definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, huge, humongous, gigantic, enormous emphasis will be placed on the gaining of badges.  In true Cubs/Scouts/Brownies tradition.  Please note these will be simple glue-on badges.  No ironing or sewing involved.

But heres the deal.  My society will be exclusive.  A Moms-Only kind of thing.  No dads.  No husbands.  No boyfriends.  And never, ever, ever any kids.  They can’t even come to our meetings.  My society, my rules KIDS ARE BANNED!

Here will be our pledge.  One we shall recite at every single meeting:

We, the moms, will unite.  We shall strive for a just universe, where dads do equal duties and chores.  We all live with one goal in sight a day we will have a warm meal, at the same time as the rest of our families.  An uninterrupted meal.  We will one day be able to wear white clothes again.  We will lay claim to bathroom privacy.  Handbags and their contents will be the domain of mothers only.  We will not drive around unnecessarily for teenagers.  We will make decisions, best suited to our needs.  We will not stop, until our goals are realised.

But badges, are actually where its all at.  Because lets keep it real.  The chances of us moms actually being able to coordinate our schedules, in between our running around after our kids, to ever have a meeting at all, are rather slim.  So were left with badges.  Which in itself is not really a bad thing.  Cause we all like ourselves a bit of recognition, right?  So as for the badges, here are the requirements:
  • Change Badge this badge is one of the easiest accomplishments and most moms of school going children, complete this badge first.  It requires exact change given to at least 2 offspring, 1 minute before getting out of the car at school.  Mostly because the request for change is only given, 1 minute before getting out of the car at school.  It is fair to mention that the change requirements must include coins and notes, and have to be placed in an envelope or money bag.  Odd amounts are encouraged like R26 and R17. 
  • Barf Badge the badge will only be awarded, after a minimum of 5 vomit-on-mother-experiences.  If vomit is in the hair of the mother, then the minimum requirement drops down to 4.  If the vomit is in the hair of the mother, whilst driving a car, and it gets on the upholstery and in the gear lever mechanism, the minimum requirement drops down to 3.  If the vomit happens in a public place, like a shop for example, on a busy Saturday morning, the minimum requirement drops down to 2.  I would like to point out at this juncture that Pep Stores in Gansbaai will never be the same again.  One of my kids did violent chunks in Pep.  I still shudder at the memory.  As does the kind cleaning lady who helped us, Im sure.  And lastly, if the vomit experience happens late at night on a friends Queen sized bed, after said friend has kindly offered her bed, with her nicest duvet, for your kid to have a little kip on, you graduate to an immediate Barf Badge gold embossed.  Especially if the last thing your kid ate was Nik-Naks.  Enough said.  Sorry Thea.
  • Bean Badge this badge is awarded to mothers who have lovingly watered and nurtured their childrens science bean-growing experiment.  Numerous times.  This badge goes to the mother who buys a selection of mixed beans with every cycle of bean-growing experiments.  Said mother has an enviable selection of packets of beans, all missing about 5 beans only, from butter beans, to speckled, and red kidney beans too. 
  • School Project Badge this badge is given to those mothers, who can miraculously, whip up a school oral on the lesser spotted toad (amongst others), in 5 minutes flat.  Complete with pictures.  Though they might be grainy and very pixelated, and the yellow inks run dry, so the frog is looking decidedly purple and unwell.  The very same mother, might even be clever enough to save every single oral ever done, so that subsequent children can recite the same drivel, in subsequent years.  In extreme cases, this mother can be counted on to con her 7 year old son that Goldilocks is a very masculine oral, and that he should definitely go with it.  Cause she has the pictures already.  Though it can be said that Goldilocks is looking a bit green around the gills (red ink ran out).
  • Sewing Badge the sewing badge is given out to the rarest of mothers those with emergency sewing skills.  Like stapling a school hem in, minutes before depositing said kid into the car before doing the morning school run.  Safety pins and paperclips are also essentially haberdashery tools for this mom.
  • IOU Badge this is also an easily attainable badge.  It requires that the mother borrows money from her offspring.  Usually birthday money.  The trick is to give the money back before the next birthday.  Offspring are known to charge exorbitant interest rates.  In a best case scenario, these are emergency loans only.  Sort of quickly-nip-to-the-corner-cafĂ© for a loaf of bread, and rather pay cash than swipe a bank card for R11,50.  The banking charges are ridiculous.  But then again, to be fair, so are the extortion-like interest rates from the kids  Im good for it.  I swear!  They know where I live.
  • Shoelace Badge this mother is presented with a shoe lace crises.  On a regular basis.  Who knows how they fray so easily?  The mother then takes to randomly chucking shoes out of any person in the homes cupboard, in order to make a quick-fix plan.  The mother never actually remembers to buy replacements.  So a large majority of shoes belonging to any one person, is lace-less.  However if she does get replacements, the laces are long enough to lace up Big-Foots shoes, if he ever wore any.  Or short enough for the Tooth Mouse.  If he wore any too.  In hindsight the mother is overly fond of velcro shoes.  Or sandals.  And essentially the benefit of walking around barefoot is not to be underestimated.  It is very healthy and can be seen as medicinal as it enforces the child to get in touch with mother earth, in an extremely tactile manner.
  • Doctor Badge this badge is given to that mom who has a deathly sick child.  In the interest of the health of her child, this mom takes her child to the doctor, and on occasion even to the ER.  However these children are known to undergo a remarkable, nay miraculous recovery, upon crossing the threshold of the doctor.  They become chipper and active.  Pale no more.  Coughing abates and fevers subside.  Lethargy vanishes, and they are 100% happy and healthy.  Until you embarrassingly leave the doctor.  Minus any meds.  And you cross the threshold of your own home.  And said child coughs up a lung.  And runs a fever of 42.  Occasionally, they even pull out the big guns.  And projectile vomits.  In your hair.  Please read subsection 2 above.  This mother also immediately qualifies for the Barf Badge.  Gold embossed.
  • Bowel Badge this badge is often a prelude to the Doctor Badge above.  Any indication from a child that they are unwell, is treated with the same response from the mother, Have you tried making a poo yet? This response is given irrespective of the actual ailment.  Albeit a sore tummy, a headache, growing pains, a splinter, feeling dizzy, etc.  The Bowel Badge is the mothers first port of call for all illnesses.  Only once you have exhausted the Bowel response, a suitable period of time has lapsed, and youve dipped into your home medicine kit, or you really fear for your childs health, does the mother actually resort to taking her child to the Doctor.  Read point above, namely the perils of the Doctor Badge.  Because this is a tricky one.  Be very, very sure, before you risk humiliation.  One youll be charged for by your friendly health care provider.  At above medical aid tariffs.
  • Leftover Badge this badge is awarded to mothers who can miraculously con her family into eating leftovers, with a few minor adjustments.  A tweak here and there usually does the trick.  Personally I can highly recommend the addition of cheese.  Or a sauce.  Or even better, a cheese sauce.
  • Bedtime Badge this badge is given to the very wily-est of mothers.  The ones who have turned forward the clocks in her house and have told her kids that its bedtime already.  Hey, its survival of the fittest some times.  Its me or themAnd if Im not here, whos going to staple up their hems?  Or write their orals. 
  • Homework Badge also an easily attainable badge.  I find these very easy to accomplish at the beginning of the school year or new term.  When kids have to make a cover page for all of their subjects.  All 11 subjects.  I have coloured in my fair share of world maps Homework Badge moms are also dab hands at scouring old magazines for pictures their kids should be finding.  Of healthy food.  And dairy products.  And domestic animals.  And anything that starts with Lucy Lamplady.  The benefit of moms helping and pretending that theyre their kids, is that neatness goes out of the window.  Look, when youre pretending to be 8, you cant colour in perfectly between the lines now can you?  And scissor cutting skills take years to accomplish.  Homework Badge moms are also known for cutting certain essential corners.  Like bypassing the whole magazine route entirely.  And just printing the necessary pictures off the internet.  However the blue ink running out and all of your deciduous tree pictures, looking a bit red is just one of those things.  Like it or lump it.
  • Lunchbox Badge now it can be said that most moms do strive to pack a nice lunch box.  But there is the odd occasion, it just doesnt happen.  When the snacky-treat portion of the lunchbox is 7 sad peanuts at the bottom of the packet.  And the fruit is in fact, not a fruit at all, but a hastily peeled carrot.  The trick with this, is the ensure that the lunch box is popped into their school bag in the morning, before they have a chance to peep.  Because if they spot the contents of said sad lunch box before youve even left home, youre going to get an earful.  I prefer to think upon these occasionally sad lunch box days, as a surprise treat.  Best reserved for a grand reveal at school, during break time.  When youre not within ear shot.  Cause heres the thing usually they forget about it by the time they get home.  And just think its actually an exercise in delayed gratification.  Because the next days average-by-regular-standards lunchbox, will be stellar by comparison.
  • Music Tolerance Badge this badge can be earned with kids of all ages.  This badge is mainly applicable on car journeys.  Hence a confined space.  With no escape possible.  With small kids, the tolerance to repetitive renditions of The wheels on the bus, is tested amongst others.  As well as other uplifting and never ending little ditties, like 10 green bottles.  After a while, one graduates up to delightful and charming children CD choices, like Crazy Frog.  I have no words.  Yet now, I long for those days.  From personal experience with my 3, all car journeys are an auditory nightmare.  From Hip-Hop and R&B, to hectic Rap, Dubstep, Trance, etc.  And yip, no one can agree on the same choice of music.  Ive resorted to rewarding myself on the hour and half hour with requests to urgently listen to the news.  Something I have no real interest in at all.  It is a much needed reprieve from doef-doef-doef at times.
  • Countless Counting Badge the recipient of this badge has spent countless hours of her life, counting senseless achievements.  This mother can never regain this stolen time again.  It is forever gone.  Counting includes random achievements like, Please count how long I can do a handstand, and other treasures like, Please count how long I can hold my breath under water, amidst other senseless accomplishments.  Like laps swam in a pool, amount of underpants worn together, amount of hair ponies worn at one time.
  • I-Cant-Find-It Badge this is a very well deserved badge.  Given to mothers of blind children.  Although said children have 20/20 vision.  It is not so much a lack of seeing, as it is a lack of energy to look.  And look actively.  These children are not capable of moving anything in their search for something theyve lost.  Zip.  Nada.  Nothing.  Rulers are always at the bottom of school bags, because they didnt look deep enough.  Pencils are hiding underneath books.  The sandals or shoes are where they always are.  In the cupboard.  Imagine that!
  • Finish It or Pincher Badge this badge is also an easily attainable badge.  It is given to any mother who has stubbornly been unable to resist temptation.  Despite knowing the obvious pitfalls.  The mother who has finished the last 3 bacon kips left over in the school lunch box.  Who sneaks sweets out of the kids sweets packet.  Who pops a few nuts into her gob before packing the rest in the snack box.  Who pinches 4 fries from the McDonalds Happy Meal.  Who steals
  • Laundry Badge this is an arduous badge to complete.  It demands sorting through the laundry basket.  Kids have an inherent inability to differentiate between dirty laundry, laundry that needs ironing, and laundry they just dont feel like packing away.  Daughters are particularly deft at this.  Especially whilst getting ready for a big event, like a school dance.  Numerous outfit changes are tried on and paraded in front of the mirror.  Piles of clothes heap up in the fray.  Anything, not deemed suitable to wear to the specific event, is relegated to the laundry basket.  Where the mother has the great joy or sorting out the piles.  Into dirty, needing an iron, and just needing to be packed away.
  • Lego Badge this badge is given to any mother who has risked mortal injury, by stepping on a block of Lego.  Barefoot.  In the dark.  Whilst carrying something fragile.  Please note that though this badge is predominantly awarded for Lego-based-foot-injuries-taking-weeks-to-heal, it is not exclusive to Lego blocks alone.  Barbies shoes are equally effective.  And damaging.  Skinny cow.
  • De-tangler Badge all De-tangler Badges are golden.  And embossed.  With gold filigree.  They are also slightly larger than other badges.  Because theyre more special.  This entails brushing out a rats tail of hair.  Particularly at the end of a school holiday, after loads of swimming and sticky sunblock residue has gathered on said rats tail.  De-tangler Badges are best accomplished with the benefit of ear muffs.  Alternatively, the use of earphones, pumping out loud reggae music is recommended.  Only those mothers with the very strongest resolves and extreme measures of self-restraint, are able to withstand the temptation of occasionally wacking the rats tail recipient with a brush.  Apparently this is possible, but no reported sightings of this achievement have been recorded.  However, Im not saying its impossible per se.  Just highly improbable.
  • Why Badge the Why Badge is one of the most trying badges to get.  Why?  Its not that its difficult.  Its just that its annoying.  Why?  Because you hear the question, Why, so often.  Why?  Well, who can tell really.  Why?  Because I bloody said so!
  • Senseless Information Badge in similar vein to the Why Badge, the Senseless Information Badge is also a trying accomplishment.  It entails being bombarded, constantly, with senseless, unnecessary information.  Like, Did you know that Rottweilers are stronger than Maltese Poodles, and If you lick someones elbow they cant feel it, as well as Sia (random singer) never shows her face in public.  All information you are none the poorer for.  Having never heard it ever.  In your life.  A never ending barrage of things you could quite happily have spent your entire life not knowing, and not caring about.  Even worse, you cant simply ignore the information.  Dialogue is encouraged, so you have to temporarily at least, store the drivel.  Personally, I see it as an exercise in short term memory recall.
Tomorrow I shall expand on the badge requirements for Level 2 - Intermediate...  For now, I suggest you stew on the options available to you above, and make a list of those badges you would like to qualify for first.

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