Saturday, 2 March 2013

My husband's GPS used to be a porn star


My husband's GPS used to be a porn star
2 March 2013

No seriously.  In fact I'm 100% convinced of this fact.  Not that I have all that much experience with porn stars mind you.  Well, actually I have none.

But in my opinion at least, my husband's GPS sounds just like I think a real life porn star would sound.  So how does that sound exactly?  Well you know... Not that I've given porn stars all that much thought.  Promise! All evidence to the contrary. 

Her voice is all husky and suggestive.  Very throaty.  She's all flirty and purrs incessantly.  Very over the top.  And I just bet she wears tassels in her spare time for fun.  And indulges in pole dancing to keep extra fit.  

And not surprisingly, given her "tacky" profession, my husband has not remained very faithful to her.  Hah!  That will teach her.  Or maybe not.  I supposed she's used to this type of behaviour.  One can only hold someone's attention for that long.  I think that fleeting affections are part of her trade. 

When he gets tired of her, he just trades her in for a newer, sexier and younger model.  His very first GPS, got the moniker, Sandy.  It sounded just right and suited her to a tee.  No offence to the Sandy's of this world.  I'm sure they're all lovely, nice people.  Not necessarily all flighty and flirty.

And then, a few years down the line, Sandy got replaced.  This time with a flirtatious sounding chick with an Aussie accent.  Naturally, her name was Sheila.  It suited her and was rather fitting, given her nationality.   

And now, a few years later, Sheila has been retired.  To be replaced by another "hot babe". Predictably her name also starts with an "S".  The very sexy sounding Sadie.  My least favourite of the lot.

They all sound like brazen hussies to me.  And as if they've got their eye on my man.

When I harness their directing and road mapping skills all I seem to get is "recalculating, recalculating".  Not very helpful at all.  But then again, perhaps that is there true mission?  To confuse me and make me well and truly lost.  More misdirection than direction, if you catch my drift.  Saboteurs of my marriage, never mind getting me to my destination!  I think they possibly want to off me to make way for themself in my man's affections.

I just bet Sexy Sadie sings a whole different tune when it's just the two of them in the car.  Then she's probably all "turn left here, baby".  And "anywhere you want to go big boy".  As well as "just turn right, stud".

Tart!!!  And as for that husky flirty voice.  Jeez!  Give the poor woman a throat lozenge or a glass of water.  As for the whole out of breath thing, perhaps she’s been exercising.  On her pole.

But here's the thing.  I've found a nifty setting.  Very handy and simply perfect.  I can easily off Sandy, Sheila or Sadie, and replace them with a man's voice.

There's a very posh sounding pom, whom I've aptly named Bainbridge.  A real austere tight lipped sounding British gentleman that one is.  But I bet he has a naughty side too.  Then there's the kangaroo loving Aussie who can only go by the predictable name of old Bruce.  And just perhaps when I’m done with him, I’ll introduce him to Sheila.

But my favourite by far?

Well that would be the hot Californian surfer dude.  I simply call him my Brad.....
 
 

6 comments:

  1. I have my Irishman on my GPS! Love him!

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  2. Yes everythings gone virtual now - No more real backseat drivers if you know what I mean!

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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