Thursday, 21 March 2013

The bathroom is not a portal to another universe

The bathroom is not a portal to another universe
21 March 2013

Dear Luke, Amber and Cole

I would hereby like to inform you, that the bathroom is not a portal to another universe.

I don't have a supply of sweets and snacks in there, that I indulge in, behind your back.  Nor do I go there to communicate with the dead.  Or for that matter, watch the latest Blockbuster releases without you either.

I go there to pee.  And yes, occasionally, I do a number two too.  It is a biological necessity.  Nay, a vital and fundamental need.  One I cannot choose to ignore. 

There is no need to bang on the door.  I have not deserted you.  And I will indeed emerge again.

Every perceived immediate crises that you have, can wait until I'm done.  Wanting to know immediately, if you can have a tub of yoghurt before dinner time, does not fall in the crises category.  Nor does your urgent need to share your plans for your birthday party, nine months ahead either.  It will hold.  Unlike my bladder.

I promise I will emerge.  And lend you my ears, hands and ability to cook and drive once more.

Furthermore, I am unable to come and look that very same instant at the cool thing you want to show me on your computer game.  Nor do I really care.  I don't want to hear your Eisteddfod poem.  Or listen to you playing the piano.  And as for your belief, that I have to come and admire your ability to dribble the soccer ball for the seventeenth time in one day, right this very instant, I believe you are sadly mistaken.

I am willing to make one small concession.  In fact I'm woman enough to admit.  I do occasionally only pretend to need the bathroom, to escape your constant demands.  I don't suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and a bout of incontinence as you might be led to believe by my apparent poor bladder control.

I escape to the sanctity of my en suite bedroom, and lock the door behind me.  And I do this only to preserve my sanity.  As a brief measure of respite.  Your constant pursuit of my continual attention is draining.  And I just need a little recharge.  A mere five minutes of Helene-time.

This is not a luxury.  This is of cardinal and absolute importance.  Yes, more important at that very moment, than your immediate need to show me your cool superhero.  The one you've had for over three years and that I've already seen.  Numerous times.  Because I bought it for you.  Or your wish for me to sign your school letter stating you won't be going on the school choir camp.  Because you don't indeed belong to the choir.  Or your desire to engage me in a discussion about the merits of an upper body workout as opposed to exercising your glutes.

So in conclusion, my beloved children.  The bathroom is not a portal to another universe.  Occasionally, I just wish it was.

With lots of love,


PS:  If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom…..
If you're a mom, then you feel my pain
Just.  Leave.  Me.  Alone.

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