Having a weird mom builds character

 

Having a weird mom builds character

5 May 2024

I’ve heard it said, many times before. That one of the key factors in building character, is having a weird mom.

 

Which quite frankly, explains a helluva lot.

 

I think Albert, Katrine and I have that covered. Our darling mom, Maggie, has certainly ensured that she’s lived up to her end of that deal. She definitely did her bit. 

 

And man, has she. Thanks Maggie!

 

She is constantly doing the wackiest, oddest things ever. And as such, I think it’s aided us in not sweating the small stuff. In taking things in our stride.

 

Now this has made me wonder. Did she pass the baton forward, to her girls. Cause aren’t we both moms too?

 

I suppose that the most equipped people to answer that question would be our kids. They’re in the firing line so to speak.

 

Which means that I can unequivocally confirm, we’re carrying on with the family tradition. And very proudly so.

 

My kids often bemoan their weird mom status. I’m sure that’s code for the fact that they’re actually celebrating it. Right?

 

And as such, I’ve got absolutely no doubt at all. That our girls, will be weird moms too. And delight in the privilege while they’re at it. Cause why be boring and normal, right?

 

Having three children basically makes you a bouncer

 

Having three kids basically makes you a bouncer

21 April 2024

Having ONE child makes you a parent. Having TWO makes you a referee. THREE or more? You’re basically a bouncer.

 

I somehow foolishly hadn’t quite anticipated everything that my role as being a mom would encompass.

 

I had anticipated the flood of love. The labour-intensive honour of looking after a small and needy baby. The privilege of showing an eager and inquisitive toddler the world. The miracle of joining and enabling a young pre-school child in discovering their world. The years spent guiding a young child through primary school. The challenge of teenagers, eager to explore their boundaries and experiment with greater independence. The responsibility of nurturing a child into an adult who is responsible, kind, confident, caring, loving, capable, has a great work-ethic and everything else that goes along with raising a fully-fledged human being.

 

I was all prepared for the above. I didn’t quite know how I was going to achieve it, but I knew what the end goal was. And I was fairly confident that I would be able to pull it off, growing alongside them. Stretching not only their boundaries and understanding of what it would all entail, but also mine. We’d be in it together. A partnership of sorts if you like.

 

Now what did really take me by surprise was some of the by-products of raising children.

 

And few things sum it up better than this random quote I came across a few days ago. In fact, it captured it perfectly. Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee. Three or more? You’re basically a bouncer.

 

Having only one child, when I had my Luke was fairly uncomplicated. Yes, it was challenging and we both had to muddle through this parenting thing together. But I had way more time with only one child. My attention wasn’t divided. And I was only dealing with one set of challenges at a time. When I was potty training, then I was potty training. That was the phase we were in. No other distractions or difficult areas of parenting to traverse. When it came to teaching him anything for the first nearly four years of his life, he was my sole focus.

 

And then, when he was 3 years and 10 months old, Amber was born. And things became a little bit more tricky. In fact, I was super complacent before Amber was born, thinking that I would absolutely rock this two-children parenting gig. I mean, I’d already done it once before, right? How hard could it be? Surely I was an expert by now? I’d already done all of the challenging stuff once before.

 

But somehow, because Luke was already nearly four years old, he had become fairly independent in many ways. Able to bath himself, dress himself, brush his teeth, eat on his own, etc. And when Amber was born I was once more flung back into full-time dependence from a teeny tiny little baby. I had forgotten in the nearly four years that had passed how big the time investment was with a small baby. Cooking supper with a baby on your hip. Your life divided into roughly four hourly feeding intervals. A quick trip to the shops no longer merely entailing putting a safety belt on a child in a booster seat. No way sirree bob. It encompassed a cumbersome snug-and-safe baby seat. A torture device to carry. A huge baby bag with extra nappies, a spare dummy, blankets, snacks, usually more than one different change of clothing in case there was an explosive nappy situation, to name but a few critical essentials. The explosive nappy thing happens more often that you can actually imagine. These are always hugely impressive. In a bad way, if you catch my drift.

 

When Luke and Amber were both tiny they were firm friends. But once they got a little bit older I discovered that my kids were not immune to what inevitably happens. Siblings do what siblings do. They bicker and annoy each other. The vie for attention and they want the same toy or even random object. Who knew two kids could fight over an empty toilet roll. But hey, they do. So in addition to parenting two kids, I also played a starring role as referee. I swear they would get a kick out of just bickering. And developed it into a competitive sport of sorts. Hence, I refined my role as referee. Yay me. Sigh.

 

Cole was born two and a half years after Amber. And this time I wasn’t surprised by the needs of a small baby and the addition of another child into the mix. Amber was still relatively small and at one stage I had two kids in nappies. I’ve spoken to many people with three kids, and they all seem to feel roughly the same. The jump from one kid to two kids is sometimes quite big. But by the time you add a third child, you simply just go with the flow and they’re born into the chaos that already exists. Nothing really fazes you. You’re already doing multiple things at the same time. In my case I was doing the primary school run with one kid and helping Luke traverse the whole new world that was school. Homework in the afternoons after school. Packing lunch boxes, school sports, constant play dates with friends, helping at school cake sales, Cubs on Friday afternoons, karate lessons twice a week and so it goes on. Amber was a very attached toddler and demanded lots of my attention. We’d do fun things together at home in the mornings while Luke was at school and baby Cole just chugged along and did everything and went everywhere. So I was juggling three kids at three different stages in their lives and all of the challenges that forms part of that.

 

And then Cole got slightly bigger, developed his own personality and became a little person. And then there was definitely 3^rd player in the game. Imagine having a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a 9 year old. Now I’m doing drop-offs at 3 different schools with 3 different drop-off and collection times. Everyone is doing some form of extra-mural. Luke was doing school sport, karate and Cubs. Amber was dancing and doing Playball. Cole was swimming and doing Playball. And all of them wanted playdates all of the time. It was wonderful. It was wild. It was absolutely crazy. Yet I didn’t even realise it at the time. It was just life. And I completely and utterly loved it!

 

However as they got even bigger, my role changed once more. In addition to being a Mom I was now not only a 3 player referee. But also a bouncer.

 

It was ridiculously busy. Manic at times. And involved a lot of mental mathematics to keep it all together.

 

But here’s the thing…

 

I loved every single minute.

 

Moreover, I was desperate to add a 4^th player to the game.

#truestory

Moms are their children's mirror

 

Moms are their children's mirror

25 March 2024

I randomly read something this morning, that I found extremely profound. And I can’t actually believe that I’ve never really thought of it before.

 

Moms are their children’s mirror.

 

Such a simply statement. Yet it moved me so deeply.

 

Firstly, I think this statement applies equally to dads as well. And having given it some thought, I think that a lot of what we subconsciously do as parents, is based on this principle. And even though I’ve never articulated it as such, it’s certainly a driving factor for me in the way I parent. How I speak to my children, what I speak to them about, how I build them up and praise them, and how I invest in them as people.

 

The thing is, that once I read this phrase, it struck me with great clarity, that this is exactly what my mom has always practiced. In how she’s parented me, my brother and my sister. And she has also used this with regards to her children’s life partners. Not to mention our children, her grandchildren. Unconditional support and belief in us. In everything. Always.

 

If my mom is my mirror, then I well and truly hit the biggest jackpot of all. Nobody believes in me more. She loves me unconditionally. And I know that it goes without saying, but I’m one hundred percent sure that I could do anything, or tell her anything, and her love would not waver. Not in the slightest.

 

She supports my every endeavour. Is enthusiastic about my hobbies and interests. She knows and loves my friends. She encourages me in everything I do. With utter conviction in my abilities. It’s the most wonderful ego trip. Yet I know that she genuinely means it sincerely.

 

If I look at myself through my mom’s mirror, I am capable of doing anything. I am an awesome parent. A wonderful wife. A phenomenal sister. An incredible friend. A loyal and hardworking employee. I am creative. I am beautiful. I am thoughtful and kind. I’m caring and selfless. I’m considerate of others. I’m mindful of my place in this world and look out for those less fortunate. I am a talented writer and brilliant with words. A magical budding gardener. A fantastic homemaker. A crafting queen. An all round fabulous human being.

 

And, I like it. I really, really like it.

 

I love seeing myself through my mom’s mirror. And it is what inspires me daily to live up to the reflection of myself that I see in there, albeit through her eyes. That I’m worthy of those attributes and wonderful qualities.

 

I know that she most likely does this subconsciously too. The very same way that I do exactly the same with my kids. Building them up with encouragement, support and incredible belief in them and who they are. With true pride and gratitude for the awesome human beings that they are.

 

I quite simply rejoice in them.

 

And thus, I do hope that my kids will also see themselves through my mirror. Cause that is who they are.

 

Beautiful. Worthy. Valued. Special. Incredible.

 

 

I was a much better parent before I had kids

 

I was a much better parent before I had kids

19 March 2024

Truth be told, I was a much better parent before I had actual kids. Now I know it might sound odd, but it really is true.

 

This of course in my mind's eye, before my own little cherubs were born.

 

I was going to cook healthy meals. Maybe even grow organic fruit and vegetables. My little angels wouldn’t be submitted to the horrors of processed foods, not to mention take-aways. Sweets and sugary drinks? Taboo!

 

My kids were going to be great linguists, speaking many exotic languages. They were going to play numerous instruments. Excell in chess. Mathematics a mere breeze, hardly challenging at all. They were all going to absolutely love reading and embrace the sweet joy of getting lost in a good book. Some non-fiction works of course. With the odd fictional work thrown in should they want to unwind from absorbing oodles of knowledge.

 

I was sure I'd birth at least one lawyer and one doctor. Possibly two. There'd be a ballerina, possibly a horse enthusiast. Without a doubt a budding young chef. An orthodontist was potentially on the cards. And I was fairly certain there would be an engineer and an architect too. In fact, they’d all excel and have multiple career paths. Champions of industry, scientists, authors, great inventors of, well things. And of stuff too.

 

They’d choose healthy living. Abstain from smoking and drinking. Exercise regularly. Which I suppose was technically a given, as they’d be brilliant on the sport’s field too. Spare time would be spent helping the needy and doing lots of community work. Volunteering for charities and doing fundraising for those who would benefit too. Excursions up in Africa were potentially in their future, as well as trips abroad to further their careers. Well they’d have to, as they’d be in such demand.

 

They would hang out in good crowds. Choose their friends wisely. Be kind to the elderly. And just be all round awesome people.

 

And then I had the little suckers. And realised that having imaginary kids was a very far cry from the reality.

 

I remember a little Luke eating chicken nuggets in the bath when he was a toddler, cause he wouldn’t eat anything else. And whilst in the bath he couldn’t escape, so feeding was easier. Not to even mentioning that cleaning up was a breeze! He loved raw spaghetti and a berry juice cordial, no doubt laden with sugars and additives. And so the list goes on. I have stories like this of all three of my kids. Because that’s what real life is like.

 

Truth be told, all I ever really wanted was healthy, nice, well adjusted kids. Kids who were kind. Who made good choices, yet learnt from the bad choices along the way. Kids who could converse easily with anyone, were kind to animals, friendly to everyone.

 

And somehow, I got very, very lucky. I got just that.

 

Cause truth be told, there are plenty of doctors out there. Lawyers and architects too.

 

And maybe I wasn’t such a bad parent after all. They’ve all turned out remarkably well. Despite the handicap of having me as their mom.

 

So in hindsight, my ambitions were not only spot on. But I achieved them. Over and over again.

 

Now if only My Grantie would indulge me and let me have another. Sure, my eggs are most likely old and way past their sell by date. But if I could turn out three awesome kids at such a relatively young age, just imagine what I could achieve if I set my mind to it. As a far more experienced fifty one year old.

 

The sky is the limit. So about that potential accountant…

 

Advanced Level Badges - Taking my mom's-group-secret-society, to the final level

Advanced Level Badges - Taking my mom's-group-secret-society, to the final level - Achieving badge earning crowning glory - Professional, proficient, prolific, pro-frigging-tastic!!!

18 March 2018

By now, most moms have graduated to the advanced level badges.  The final stages.  The highest of the high.  You have passed both the beginner, as well as intermediate stages (see previous 2 blog posts).  So now this is where it's all at. By this stage, you are not only professional, but also proficient, prolific, and all round pro-frigging-tastic!

Eat your heart out Baden Powell, my society is waaayyy cooler!

• Recitals/Concerts/Eisteddfod’s/Gradings/Graduations/Prize Givings Badge – these are the long-suffering moms.  The ones who have sat through 3 hours of prize giving, only to watch their little cherub, go up, for 11 seconds, to receive a certificate for choir attendance…  Eisteddfod is my worst.  The opportunity for disaster is just too ripe.  Like your kid or someone else’s forgetting the dance moves and freezing.  Or singing their solo off key.  I physically age at these events.
• School Meeting Badge – this one needs no introduction.  Places of education have a propensity for meetings.  Of the lengthy kind.  The requirements of this badge, are at least 7 PTA’s.  However if you are presented with the necessity to attend 3 PTA meetings on the same night, at the same time, at at least two different schools, the requirement drops down to three.  Been there, done that.  Wished I had a clone.
• Book Covering Badge – this badge can only be achieved in January.  Moms joining our group in February, will have to endure a whole 11 month long wait, in order to qualify for this badge during the following January.  Now the whole cover-the-text-book-with-plastic thing is not too bad.  Nor is the whole cover-the-workbook-with-pretty-paper-before-covering-it-with-plastic thing.  The problem comes in when you have 3 kids.  Each having a minimum of 11 subjects.  Some requiring more than one textbook.  And more than one workbook.  You can literally find yourself with a hundred books to cover.  It is wise to train your kids to do this arduous task themselves, or to assist you at the very least.  Even if there job only entails cutting bits of sellotape.  Fanning you cool with an old Ideas magazine, and making you coffee.
• Mom’s Taxi Badge – there is an automatic exclusion on this badge for mothers who live within walking distance of school.  In addition, if their children do no extra-mural, off school premises, they do not qualify for this badge either.  To best qualify for this badge, said mother needs to preferably have more than one offspring.  Personally if you’re aiming at getting your badge quickly, I can recommend 3 kids.  Each of them doing extra-murals at the same time, at different venues.  Furthermore at least one child has to be teenager, requesting midnight pick-up times.  Bonus points are earned if you live in another town to the one that your kids do their schooling in.  I found that this was one of my easiest badges to complete.  One Wednesday afternoon was all that it took…
• Lost Property Badge – mothers with children with ADHD are also easy-achievers with this badge.  They are proficient in digging through lost property boxes at various schools.  They mark every item said child takes to school.  In more than one place.  However, most importantly, they never send nice towels, best shoes, new clothes, good cutlery and crockery, or favourite items along on school camps.  These items will never return.  It can be noted that sleeping bag covers, should be cable tied to the zipper of sleeping bags.  These mothers spend the GDP of some African countries on slip slops every summer.
• Split Personality Badge – this badge goes to all mothers of teenagers.  These mothers experience moments of deep concern.  When they look at their former-sweet-children, who have suddenly changed into hormonal-teenage-horrors.  Occasionally these mothers consider counselling, medication, alcohol (for themselves) and exorcism, as a means of reaching their former darling children again.  Please note, that changes in personality, generally run concurrently with physical changes in the body.  You know exactly what I mean.  Apparently, they will eventually morph back into human life form again.  I’m currently waiting as fast as I can…
• Delaying Tactics Badge – aaahhh, yes!  The old Delaying Tactics Badge.  This badge can only be awarded under two circumstances.  The requirements are strict and adherence is expected.  You may only qualify for these badges at:  Bedtime, Homework/Studying.  Children do anything, say anything and behave in any way, to avoid these two unavoidable outcomes.  Occasionally, they will even fake their own death.  They will need innumerable bathroom breaks, profess starvation, have leg cramps (phantom – have you tried making a poo yet?), stomach cramps (phantom – have you tried making a poo yet?), headaches (phantom – have you tried making a poo yet?), they will be thirsty, and my personal favourite – have the longest, boring, most dull, unimportant story to tell you.  Taking 13 looooooong minutes.  In which time, you can feel yourself aging.  Please note that it is important that the mother in question, refrains from clubbing the child with a TV remote (loads of red tape).
• Cake Sale Badge – this badge is awarded to those mothers who lovingly bake and make home-prepared treats for cake sales at school.  Numerous times.  Over and over and over again.  There comes a point, when you feel that you will never get the smell of popcorn out of your hair (sorry, I don’t bake – popcorn is about as good as it gets from me).  However, fear not.  This badge is also awarded to those mothers who do the selling at cake sales.  The ones who end up paying in an exorbitant amount of money for the poor kids who just don’t have enough cash on them, and you don’t have the heart to say, “No my love, you can’t have a chocolate cupcake”.  These mothers handle sticky coins and help little fingers to open wallets.  They run after kids who forgot their change and they patiently give little kids the chance to feel grown-up by doing their own selection and timeously counting out their money.
• Telephone Badge – this is a special one.  There is a reason, the old chord phones of yonder were replaced by hands-free portable ones.  Few things are more trying than a child who discovers, 17 seconds after you’ve taken a phone call, that they need to ask you a super-dee-duper important life-and-death-question.  Like, does Barney have a belly button.  Yip!  At birth, all children have an inbuilt sensor, that goes off.  Mainly when you’re on the phone.  They’re hungry, they need you to wipe their bum (they like to holler this loudly, so the person on the other end of the line can hear it), they’re thirsty, they’ve got a sore foot (have you tried making a poo yet?), they’re killing their sibling, or my personal favourite – the whole super-dee-duper important life-and-death-question thing.  Like, why is the grass green or why are bananas bendy?  Which brings me back.  Phones with chords were fazed out.  As a safety measure.  To protect children.  From irritated mothers.  However, it can be noted that some of these mothers did use these chords on themselves, in self-mutilation.  I really understand.
• I’m-Hungry-Badge – this badge can be attained at any time of the day or night.  However, it is easily achieved during certain critical moments.  The half an hour leading up to you cooking supper.  The half an hour after you’ve just cleared the table from a meal and they’ve assured you that they’re full.  Any shopping trip ever.  Particularly when you’re in the aisle of torture (the sweet and snack aisle), or when you’re waiting at the till and the tills are simply lined with all things sugar.  Actually, any time they leave the home and they know that you’re carrying your wallet, you’re vulnerable.  You are not immune if you’ve just fed your child.  Because here’s the trick – these hunger pangs are not actually hunger related at all.  It can also be said that kids have a fondness, which they’re fond of declaring loudly (to anyone willing to hear – the elderly makes for a great audience), for expensive items.  Like watermelons out of season, when they cost the same as a rump steak.  I can really recommend hearing loss (don’t forget your earmuffs!).  However, I usually have healthy snacks on hand.  Apples, carrots, etc.  Ironically, upon presentation of these food alternatives, they usually find themselves feeling full after all.  Hunger gone.  It’s a miracle!
• Story-Time Badge – this badge is only for those mothers with small children.  Obviously.  You qualify for this badge, once you can quote a book, verbatim, from front to back, without even opening the book.  Extra points are given for being able to quote the page number.  Even more points are earned for being able to do this feat, when being randomly woken up at 3am.  The expert mother can even doodle the appropriate pictures.  Badges are also awarded to mothers who bravely dodge the, “just one more story”, request, 943 nights in a row.  Irrespective of how many stories she has already read to the child.  Or the lateness of the hour.
• Sleep-Dodge Badge – most mothers complete the Sleep-Dodge and Delaying Tactics Badges together, as there is some common ground between the two.  However some kids take the whole sleep-dodge thing to a whole new level.  There is a reason kids are for well-known for their amazing creativeness and imagination.  The dramatic child goes with the, “there’s a monster under my bed” story.  The clever mother, though sympathetic in the beginning, must harden up and be smart.  Especially if this is the 23^rd consecutive night in a row the child has dished up the same story.  Particularly if the child has already exhausted the other Delaying-Tactics resources to no avail.  And said child is exhibiting no obvious sign of fear and is in fact sporting a smirk.  Because they are indeed laughing at you.  I was the lucky recipient of a gold-star-medalist in the Sleep-Dodge stakes.  My little cherub could projectile vomit on cue, in order to avoid sleeping.  Yip, on purpose.  For fun.  To avoid sleeping.
• Glitter Badge – this badge is given in conjunction with playschools and preschools across the world.  It entails liberal dusting of all artworks with glitter.  In fact, excessive use seems to be encouraged.  Kids tend to come home, covered in glitter from hair to toe.  The most pesky place to remove said glitter, is from the actual scalp area.  True story.  Glitter is truly, the gift that keeps on giving.  It never ends…..
• Roadtrip Badge – I am only giving you 4 words.  These are the only words needed to explain this badge – “Are we there yet?” These words are usually uttered at 7 minute intervals.  From the start of your four and a half hour journey.  Non-stop.  By various kids.  However, brief reprieves do exist.  At every 42km enforced bathroom break demand by the kids.  Irrespective of whether there’s a bathroom in sight or not.  Sigh.
• Show Badge – aaahhh yes!  The Show Badge.  This is not to be confused with the concert badge.  The show badge, describes the little home-plays kids tend to do.  Or should I say, little home-style theatre productions.  Rule of thumb – they will not be well rehearsed.  You will be required to clap enthusiastically, irrespective of talent, plot line and props.  These “productions” (I use the term loosely), will usually be rather lengthy.  So make sure your seat is comfy.  I once had to endure a 23 minute dying scene by one of my kids.  In the scorching hot sun.  I nearly expired from heatstroke.  And boredom.  And my hands were sore from clapping.  I’d mistakenly assumed that my enthusiasm will speed things up.  Sadly, it encouraged my “dying swan”, to make many near-recoveries, before finally, mercifully succumbing.  Truth be told, I nearly assisted him to meet his maker in the end, by wacking him over the head with the little kiddie chair I had to wedge my bum into.  It was a near escape.
• Birthday Party Badge – this badge is awarded to the mother who has lovingly baked and self-prepared every edible treat, for the kids and the parents.  She’s packed party packs, colour-coordinated everything, bought matching balloons, risked fainting from blowing up the balloons, and lovingly made personalised birthday invitation for all of the little guests.  This badge is also awarded to the mother who simply sends an sms out, 3 days before the proposed party.  She scoots down to the local bakery on the morning of the party, to buy any cake she can find.  She randomly buys edible treats for kids and the staying moms alike.  She no longer does party packs and simply resorts to bowls filled with sweets on the table.  Kids have pockets, don’t they?  They can choose their own treat to take home.  If there are leftovers.  There’ll be balloons, if she remembers, but it’s not a given.  I’ve been both these moms.  The party-mom-over-achiever and the last-minute-dot-com-party-mom.  I can confirm that the kids have equal amounts of fun, either which way.  They don’t care who made the cake.  They just want tartrazine, sugar and food colouring.  And lots thereof. 
• Dance Party Badge – brave, brave, brave moms.  The thing with a dance party is this – dance parties only ever occur when there are hormones involved.  Which is why little kids don’t want dance parties.  Because if you’re a boy, then girls are gross.  And vice versa.  The first rule of thumb, that teenage hormones are a brewing, is the request for a dance party.  Unfortunately, dance parties are an after-dark-event.  So have your spies.  Be vigilant.  Personally, I can recommend headlamp torches.  Easy to spot the little buggers in the dark, when they’re trying to sneak off to have a smooch.  Stealth is everything.  Because basically, your precious child, that you’re going to all this effort for, does not really want you to be there at all.  Their requirements of you are simple – send out the invites, make sure there’s food and cooldrink, ensure the music is loud, and make yourself scarce.  It is a proven fact that sexist division will occur for the duration of the party.  With boys hanging in one corner, laughing and goofing off.  And girls titivating in the bathroom and having big girlie dances with each other.  Until 3 minutes before the first parent arrives.  And everyone finally starts dancing.  Together.  Strange but true.
• Sleepover Badge – this badge is only awarded to parents who have hosted sleepover parties.  Regular average one-kid-only sleepovers don’t count.  Cause the thing with sleepover parties, is this – THEY DON’T SLEEP.  It is a cruel misnomer, calling these parties a sleepover, when in fact they don’t.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Instead you’ll be treated to lots of giggles if it’s girls, pillow fights with boys, make-up spilled everywhere with girls, farting with boys, pieces of pizza on your couch, popcorn kernels under foot, loud guffawing, a pile of lost property afterwards, jumping on your chairs, running in the passage, etc.  With a bit of luck, the early faders will start to wilt after midnight.  But the die-hards will be loud and rowdy till about 3am, only quietening (if you’re lucky), after dire threats.  Which gives you about 2 hours if you’re lucky, before the first ones start waking up again at 5am.  However, this does all change when they’re teenagers.  Sort of.  They go to even bed later, but if they’re boys, they’re in a man-cave.  Girls watch movies until the early hours.  They rise later, however it might be for different causes altogether…
• Boardgame Badge – this applies to all games, played whilst sitting down.  And though boardgames are the norm, cards do also qualify.  Go-catch-a-fish in particular, played 23 times in a row.  It’s really a chore and requires diligent work to continuously lose.  Snap, however is also a qualifying game.  Monopoly is the easiest game to play in order to get your badge.  Mostly because the average game lasts about 5 and a half hours.  And your 12 year old is a loan shark, charging exorbitant rates, as the banker.  Making you pawn your precious Clifton and Westville too.  It is very hard to withstand their boastful gloating when you land on their expensive property, with its rather distasteful and excessively flamboyant 3 hotels.  On one property.  On occasion I’ve considered offering my real car as capital surety, in order to pay back my debts.  Because the truth of the matter is, they won’t let you bow out gracefully and admit defeat.  They enjoy watching you suffer.  And it usually gets worse.  After offering to donate your kidney and a spleen just to get off their empire, chances are you’re going to land on Chance and get lobbed with a fake dentist bill.  For the very same 12 year old, with his crooked teeth.  Jeez!
• PMS Badge – this badge is obviously reserved for mothers of daughters only.  Once a month, a body-snatching alien swoops down, and turns your already-hormonal teenage daughter, into a 2 headed beast.  One who bites and snaps at anything and everything.  I suggest you throw chocolate at it.  It tends to help.  Alternatively there is a muzzle.  Though this is apparently frowned upon.   Please go into this with your eyes wide open.  No matter what you say or do, you are clearly wrong and insensitive.  When you reach breaking point, I suggest you concentrate your efforts on consuming the chocolate yourself.  And make a grab for your earmuffs at the same time.  
• Star Chart Badge – effective though the old star chart is, it demands dedication, perseverance and persistence.  There comes a point, in every single star chart experience, where I’m at least 2 days behind, because I’ve run out of stars.  Or rewards.  Or both.  All mothers make this same mistake.  It is exhausting.  And at some point, it just becomes ammunition in your child’s Delaying-Tactics game as well as their Bedtime-Dodge efforts.  Do not get roped into playing their game.  You must remain strong.  Do quick hand drawn crooked stars in blue pen if the need calls.  And leftover Spur mints from your handbag are ample rewards at a push don’t you think?

The moral of the story is this – us mothers have it tough.  It is one pitfall after the next.  Until you have that one magical moment.  When the stars are aligned.  Your kids are achingly sweet.  And you simply know – it’s all so worthwhile, and I’d do it all over again.  Because every mother knows the undisputable truth – THEIR kids are the best.  And they wear those hard earned badges with pride.  Because it means you’ve walked the walk.  Not only talked the talk.  You’ve put in the time, the effort.  And you’ve given your heart.

Us moms.  We rock like that.

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Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.

Intermediate Level - Badges, badges, badges! My very own Mom's version of Cubs/Scouts/Brownies.
29 January 2016

Following on from yesterday's Beginner Level Badges, from my Mom's Society, I present to you with the Intermediate Badge Requirements listed below:

• Personal Space Badge – this badge is awarded to mothers at birth.  However, it is a gift that keeps on giving.  Children have no sense of personal space.  Nor boundaries.  It is a concept, they simply can’t grasp.  Nothing is sacred.  Not even the air you breath.  They are particularly fond of breaching the personal space bubble, when they are sick.  And simply dying to give you gastro too.  Or on the odd occasion, when they have a nightmare, and you selflessly invite them into your bed, so that you can comfort them.  Beeeeeg mistake!  They will hog your duvet, your pillow and mattress space too, and you will find yourself, doing a death-defying cling to the outer ends of the bottom left hand corner of the mattress, for a wee little bit of sleeping space.  Only to find a foot in your face.  One wearing your sock.  Jeez!
• I-Forgot-I-Have-A-Test/Oral/Project Badge – this badge is only ever awarded after bedtime.  Which is when unparalleled amazing memory recall from offspring, usually comes into play.  Mere hours before the aforementioned test, oral or project.  In general, requests of this manner are hardly ever generic.  Rather, they’re extremely type specific, of the “I need Lumo green A3 paper”, variety.  Something hard to drum up out of thin air.  Like having failed to mention the need to dutifully record the moon phases for the previous lunar month, complete with accompanying pictures.  You know, sort of “easy-to-achieve” things.  You can simply fabricate….. Why just a few years ago, my one kid “recorded” the most cloudy moonless nights in living history…
• Triangle/Square Badge – this award is given to all those mothers who have accidently cut their beloved offspring’s lovingly prepared sandwich into triangles, when it was meant to be cut into squares.  However, the reverse is also possible.  Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted triangles and you foolishly presented them with squares.  Pffft!
• I’ll-Do-It-Myself Badge – this award is given to all mothers who have heard this phrase over and over again.  It can be noted that this phrase is most often uttered by children, who really can’t be doing what they want to be doing, by themselves.  Like peeling their own orange, with a sharp knife, at the age of three.  However it is not merely reserved for death-defying feats.  It is also uttered most frequently, when the mothers are pressed for time.  And they’re in a reeeaaallly big hurry.  Like being late for the school run with a kid in Gr1 (they stress terribly at this age), and your delightful toddler, insists on first putting their snack box into their school bag for playschool, and having a lengthy struggle with a stubborn zipper on the offending bag.  Then insisting on putting their bag on their back, on their own, battling to get their arms through the straps.  All this in aid of the 12 step journey to the car.  Having reached the car, they then insist on taking the bag off their back.  Battling once more.  Then they insist on climbing into the car, at a snail’s pace.  Before struggling with strapping themselves into the safety belt.  All of this accompanied by howling from the Gr1 kid.  In hindsight, never leave home without earmuffs.  They come in handy at the most unexpected times. 
• Safety Belt Badge – this badge is awarded to all mothers who on a daily basis, has to utter the time-old-phrase of “please put your safety belt on”.  This despite this being the norm, for every single car trip.  Ever taken.  Anywhere.  No exceptions.  Ever.
• Toothbrush Badge – this badge is a really trying one and simply always well deserved.  It entails the mother uttering, “please brush your teeth” in a calm and friendly voice.  Followed shortly thereafter, by, “go and brush your teeth”, and then, “Your teeth!”.  Lastly followed by, “for the 4^th/5^th/6^th time, go and brush your teeth right now”.  At this point, it is a given, that the child has still not brushed their teeth.  After a few more “terse” and less friendly instructions, sometimes accompanied by an increasingly raised voice, the child might eventually proclaim to have brushed their teeth.  You might even hear the sounds of the electric toothbrush in the distance.  But do not be fooled.  The wily child, simply puts the toothbrush on.  Without putting toothpaste on it first.  Wetting it.  Or even putting it in their mouth.  They will try this tactic every single morning.  And most especially at night.  They are slimy little suckers when it comes to brushing their teeth. 
• Towel Badge – mothers who spend an inordinate amount of time picking up or instructing their offspring to pick up their towels, need no explanation for this award.  It speaks for itself.
• Lice Badge – the lice badge is also slightly larger than the average badge.  And is gold embossed.  It entails the long suffering mother spending hours of her life, combing out nits out of a howling child’s hair.  A child who proclaims at 23 second intervals, “you’re pulling my hair”.  There is a reason, that lice combs are used.  And not lice brushes.  A whack from a lice comb, does not inflict too much damage.  Whereas brush beatings can be rather severe.  It really is an in-built safety measure.  The reason for the gold embossed badge, is the fact that lice infestations, are the equivalent of a relay race.  Lasting weeks.  No sooner have you deloused child one, before they pass it on to kid 2.  Just when kid 2 is lice-free, kid 3 is infected.  And kid 1 starts complaining of itching once more.  Lice badge moms are known to be overly fond of alcohol. 
• Communicable Disease Badge – the Communicable Disease Badge is not an easy achievement.  And is usually achieved after Chickenpox.  Once more, Chickenpox, is not so much a disease, at it is a relay race.  The itchy baton being passed from one kid onto the next.  If you have 3 kids, you can find yourself housebound for 5 weeks.  With miserable kids.  Spotty miserable kids.  Who can’t refrain from scratching.  The benefit of most anti-itching oral medicines, is the high alcohol content.  There comes a point, when the kids are too zonked to scratch.  Use this time to sleep.
• Walking Tissue Badge – this badge, goes to every single mom who has ever used her t-shirt, dress, jersey, sweater, scarf or pants to wipe a child’s nose.  On rare occasions, she can even be known to sacrifice a sock, or her handbag lining.  At a push, a till slip from Checkers has also done the trick.
• Cartoon Badge – this badge is awarded to moms who have lost a certain range of hearing, due to squeaky cartoon voices.  The decibel range is forever more scarred.  Upon hearing just a few seconds of the Barney song, or the voice of Phinneus, or Hannah Montana, these moms can be found in the corners of rooms.  In a foetal position, rocking themselves, mumbling, “make it stop”, over and over again.  They have also been known to make bizarre looking Voodoo dolls, resembling Hannah Montana and Barbie.  Occasionally even Spiderman and Superman.
• Learner License Badge – I don’t really feel that I need to expand much on this one.  Suffice it to say, that you as the mother, are a blithering idiot.  Knowing very little about driving and road safety.  Which is surprising, I suppose.  Given the fact that most moms of Learner Licence kids, have been driving for 20 years or more.  But fear not.  Your Learner Licence driver knows everything!  Can drive anything.  And the fact that they occasionally nip the side walk or stall the car, is merely a means of keeping you on the edge of your seat and ensuring that your knuckle defying clutch on the sides of your seat, is not released.  It can be noted that mothers of Learner Licence kids, all of a sudden find themselves, with offspring who have developed extra sensory hearing.  At the merest tinkle of car keys, they come racing down the passage, with a request to drive you somewhere.  These mothers are known to go into stealth mode on occasion, to avoid just such an experience.  Using extreme caution to remove the car keys from the hook at the kitchen door, occasionally going into fictitious bouts of coughing, to mask the sound of jingling keys.  Learner Licence kids are also fond of the element of dodging the law.  Requests for driving are often uttered, when they don’t actually have their Learner Licence on their person.  Because, “the police will never pull us over, no one will ever know”, and my personal favourite, “I know how to drive, I won’t have an accident”.  Learner Licence moms are also overly fond of alcohol.  Occasionally they indulge intentionally, so that they themselves are over the legal limit, therefore avoiding the whole teenage driving experience altogether. 
• Teenage Badge – the Teenage Badge is not only bigger than the average badge, gold embossed and emblazoned with tassels, it also comes with a voucher for a rare treat -  a set of earphones and an iPod to muffle out the sounds of teenage whining and demands, a sleeping eye mask to prevent accidently witnessing uninhibited eye rolling and a t-shirt, stating, “been there, done that, wearing the t-shirt right now”.  Unless you have actually parented a teenager, you have no comprehension of exactly what this entails.  Boundaries will be crossed.  Experimenting will occur.  Liquor will be consumed (not only by you).  Cigarettes will be smoked.  Hormones will be having a party.  There will be boy/girl problems.  Teachers will be declared unfair.  Homework will be ruled archaic and senseless.  Curfews will be deemed outdated.  No matter how old you are, how many children you have born, the fact that you have completed school, and tertiary education, you’ve run a home, had a few jobs, endured many a hardship, you still would not have it as bad as them.  In addition, despite your advanced years and life experience, they are sure to know more.  About everything.  Yip, they’re special like that.  A particular favourite of mine, is the slow way they speak to me on occasion.  Enunciating with care.  As if I’m the most intellectually challenged person, every having crossed their path.  It’s a miracle I’m bright enough to cook them supper every night, without burning the house down.
• Lunchbox Unpack Badge – this is a badge that you’ll find yourself earning again, and again, and again.  Kids have a latent, inherent inability to unpack their lunchbox from their school bags at the end of every day.  It might be a physiological design error.  A group of teenage “intellectuals” are investigating this phenomenon right now.  But they’re finding the research a bit lame…
• Fussy Eater Badge – aaaaahhh yes!  The Fussy Eater Badge.  This badge is mostly reserved for families of multiple children.  Where more than one child has a dislike for some random food substance, for no obvious reason.  Like eggs.  Please note that said child does not have an allergy.  Said child just doesn’t like the thought of eggs.  However, eggs in batter is allowed – for treats like pancakes, waffles, flap jacks, cakes, etc.  The Fussy Eater likes to be picky about something that most other people are not fussed about at all.  Vegetables are a common thread.  Occasionally, the fussy eater, picks a colour of vegetable they distrust.  For no obvious reason.  For example.  All of my kids are absolutely crazy about my Spaghetti Bolognaise.  Particularly, when they don’t have the bolognaise bit with their spaghetti.  And they actually only have the plain cooked spaghetti on its own.  Some even like to forego the whole cooking-the-pasta-ritual.  And like to eat their pasta raw.  It makes for very crunchy meal times.  #wishiwasjoking
• Acceleration Reflex Badge – this badge is awarded to the moms with the most amount of self-restraint ever.  The Acceleration Reflex Badge is only ever awarded to mothers of teenagers.  It happens in that exact moment, when you’ve spent a bit of time with your “all-knowing and wise” teen in the car, and you drop them off somewhere.  And as they get out of the car, and they walk in front of you, you have to clamp down on the urge to accelerate.  And flatten them.  Acceleration Reflex Badge moms often have white knuckles and clenched teeth.
• Chore Badge – the Chore Badge is awarded to those moms who have braved the wrath of their children.  By daring to give them humiliating and demeaning tasks.  Like making their beds.  Unpacking the dishwasher.  And setting the table.  These are clearly an evil manner of mother.  Respect!
• Extra-mural Badge – this badge is awarded to those moms who have wasted away the best years of their lives, gaining pigmentation next to the sports field.  Watching their kids playing hockey, tennis, netball and rugby.  Mostly with mediocre skills.  They’ve done swimming lessons and karate.  Art, modern dancing and ballet.  There have been instruments – string, wind and percussion.  There has been choir and Playball.  The list goes on and on.  And on and on.  These moms have done it all.  Albeit from the side lines.  They actually deserve medals, one and all.
• Make-over Badge – this badge is mainly awarded to the mothers of girls.  For bravely enduring the worst manicures in history.  The clown-like make-up applications and the  eyeball watering, scalp and hair pulling endured, during the routine offers from their daughters to do their hair.  Brave mothers have endured this all.  Even worse, they’ve professed to love the results.
• Are-You-Wearing-That Badge – the badge goes to the moms of teens.  Babies don’t care what you wear.  They’re not discerning about what style of clothes they ruin and stain for you.  Toddlers and young children are not too fussed either.  However, the second one of your children develops hormones, they become the fashion police.  It.  Does.  Not.  Matter.  What.  You.  Wear…..You.  Will.  Get.  It.  Wrong.  Guaranteed.  It’s too long or too short.  Too bright or too dull.  It’s got too many pockets.  Or not enough pockets.  The golden rule is this – wear it anyway.  Because history will prove, in 10 short years, when they look back upon the pics taken on this very day…..That.  They.  Were.  Wrong.  Because who actually looks like an idiot?  Undies are called just that – undies.  It implies that the garment is meant to be worn UNDERNEATH something.  To name but one example.  We’ve all lived to regret our teenage dressing disasters.  Why, personally I can attest to the bubble skirt fiasco.  The yellow/purple combo at all times.  The hair bubble too.  So here’s my suggestion – simply bide your time.  Take pics of what they’re wearing this very minute.  It’s a bit of a long game, but fear not – you will be victorious!
• Art Work Badge – this badge is particularly applicable to mothers of playschool and preschool children.  Rule of thumb – never presume to know or understand what the artwork is.  It might look like a sweet little painting of a dog.  But chances are, it’s a turtle.  Or a frog.  Possibly even a car.  The first time they come home with a box construction, it’s all rather sweet.  Until you realise that box-construction-day is every Thursday.  And you are never allowed to throw anything away.  EVER!  Any given “masterpiece” can consist out of an empty 17kg box of corn flakes, a Berocca tube, a tissue box, a rusk box, a toilet roll inner, a box that formerly contained batteries, and a shoebox.  All miraculously glued together with 3l of cold glue.  Which is never quite dry.  So it gloops down all over your car.  And have I mentioned yet that it’s covered in glitter?  Red if you please.  In addition, brace yourself – there is a whole subdivision dedicated to loo roll creations.  At Easter time, they’re turned into cutesie little bunnies.  At Xmas they become Santa.  At Valentine’s Day they become picture frame holders and at …..  And so the list goes on.  And don’t even let me get started on the dry noodle creations.  You have but nooooo idea.  Unless you’re an Art Work Badge mom.  In which case you’ll get it.  And only too well.  So here’s my advice.  Deconstruct the box-construction creations, piece by piece.  And smuggle the bits out of your house.  Weekly.  In small deposits, in the big black bin, on bin collection day.  Shortly before collection.  This all done, lest the child becomes suspicious of your activities and they decide to investigate the bin.  Hell hath no fury, like a child whose artwork has been violated…  If you are ever caught out, desecrating artwork, my advice is this – LIE!  Save yourself and blame the father…

Lots of food for thought Moms.  I am sure that without too much effort, many of you, have already qualified for an enviable amount of badges.  Such is our multi-tasking skills.  While you've been thinking you've been merely parenting away, day in and day out, with your main goal simply being bedtime when the little cherubs go off to sleep, you have inadvertently already qualified for many a badge.

Tomorrow I will end off with the highest level of badge earning - Level 3 - Experienced/Advanced.  Stay tuned for more tomorrow... 

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