Saturday, 9 March 2013

I've had to lie to my boys, that they won't go bald

I've had to lie to my boys, that they won't go bald
9 March 2013

I'm not proud to admit it, but I've lied to my boys.  I know, I know.  Lying is bad.  A terrible sin.  Particularly bad if you’re a parent and you’re supposed to set an example for your kids.  To show them how to lead an honest and forthright life. 

But I ask you.  What was I supposed to do?  Surely not tell them the truth.  They would be emotionally scarred if I did.  In fact, lying to them was a kindness.  An act of mercy and compassion.  And motherly love too.  Admitting the truth would only have cost them precious sleep and given them cause for anxiety.  Worrying is a pointless exercise and best avoided, is my motto.

Individually, both of my boys have come to me separately over the years, and have confessed their greatest fear.  That they will go bald like their dad.  Ag, shame man!  What a scary prospect for them.

And each time I’ve looked them straight in the eye, and lied to them to their face.  I’ve told them, that they had no cause for fear.  That all will be well and their heads well covered for sure.

And technically they’ve each got a 50/50 chance.  Who can tell.  I confessed great genetic knowledge that I don’t really possess.  That my side of the family all appeared to be pretty hairy – now this is true.  I’ve even sprouted nonsense about familial and predisposed baldness skipping a generation.  Grant’s dad certainly still has a full head of hair.  That their boys might be the ones that were prone to shiny heads and not them.  And they both gave huge big sighs of relief.  Accompanied by a nervous little relief-filled giggle too.  And once the bald-fear floodgates were open, they told me exactly how worried they had been. 

Amazing how something like that can prey on one’s mind.  I remember feeling pretty much the same.  My dad’s Mom started going grey shortly after her 20th birthday and I was petrified as a young girl and even more so as a teenager.  Luckily it has not yet come to pass.  I do have the odd silver strand (very few, and I pluck them religiously), but a full head of grey?  Gratefully not so much.

But here’s the thing.  If Grant’s family history is to be believed, then all of the blonde boys go bald.  Which is really very, very bad news for my boys.

And in the light of this wisdom, I feel that it is best to educate my boys, on the off chance that this fate befalls them. 

Firstly, there are all the trite little sayings that all bald men, always seem to sprout.  You know the type.  Only so many heads were created perfect, the rest were covered in hair.  It’s not a bald patch, it a solar sex panel (eeuwww!).  They’re too tall for their hair, etc.  And so, I will teach all of these to Luke and Cole too.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.

Secondly, I will warn them about bad choices and the dire consequences of those bad choices.  Baldies seem to make two bad choices.  First there’s the comb-over catastrophe.  This is particularly horrid.  Even more so on a windy day or after you’ve indulged in a bit of swimming.  You know how gruesome it looks.  Long hair on the one side, nearly down to your waist, and the other side bald as a baby’s bum.  Even Donald Trump, one of the richest men on this planet, is unable to pull this one off.  The second huge mistake is one that Amber and Cole have nicknamed “The Donut” or “The Island”.  It is a look reminiscent of Friar Tuck from Robin Hood days.  Long hair all over, with a perfect little bald patch in the middle.  And I think that Amber and Cole’s nicknames describe this particularly well.

But alas, for the sake of my boys, I do hope they remain hairy.  And stay firm in my conviction that lying to them was kind.  Because the fact of the matter, is that no one can really tell.

Besides which, there is nothing much one can do about it.  Acceptance is important.

And if one can’t get to a point of acceptance, at least then there’s the comb-over, donut, island.  Silly me!  I mean, hairplugs!

Should you wish to achieve the bald look, then you can always add a hairless wig???
The donut or island as Amber and Cole call it
The comb-over catastrophe


  1. Ha haaaa!!! Hilarious!
    No not Daya's problem, although I believe also a great fear of his as a younger(?) man.

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