Friday, 22 March 2013

There's something wrong with my kids

There's something wrong with my kids
1 February 2013

Seriously!  I’m not kidding about this.  Something is fundamentally wrong with my kids.  Something really weird and odd.  Even twisted.  And just perhaps, it’s my fault.  I’m hardly all that normal either.

They spent a rather large part of yesterday afternoon stalking each other and licking one another’s elbows.  As mentioned before – something REALLY wrong with them.  As in weird.  And odd.  Twisted too.

Interestingly enough, I am spending A LOT of money on their education.  Huge amounts.  And in return for parting with my cash, I don’t find it unreasonable to expect them to be…..well…..educated.  As in learn stuff at school.  You know – Maths, Geography, History, Science and a bit of languages too.

It does then come as a huge surprise, that the only tangible knowledge Luke came home with on Thursday, that was imparted on him after nearly seven hours at school, was the sincere conviction and belief that you can lick someone’s elbow and they won’t even know about it.  So this is my question – did he pick this little nugget of seemingly useless information up from Maths, Geography, History, Science or those languages he’s supposed to be learning?  And perhaps more importantly of all, is it indeed true?

His best buddy has a mutual acquaintance in his class, and this boy supposedly spent most of Thursday proving his point.  He even went so far as to lick a teacher’s elbow in passing.  Amazingly, she was none the wiser.

But apparently, here’s the clincher.  If you anticipate and prepare yourself for the lick, you will indeed feel it.  But if you’re unsuspecting, then you’re a goner.

This was all discussed in great length while we were driving home from school.  Everyone tried to surreptitiously lick each other.  Rather difficult, given the close confines of the car and the fact that you can’t really sneak up on someone when you’re sitting right next to them.  It was however revealed to me, when we got home, that I was the lucky recipient of two licks myself.  Hard to believe, as I never felt it at all.  My attention was focused on driving, so I was pretty much a sitting duck.  Just to recap – my kids are REALLY weird.

So, I ask you – what was I supposed to do?  Possessing an enquiring mind and in the interest of science, I had to give it a go too.  Luke’s supposed elbow-licking hypothesis had to put to the test.  I did this experiment purely for science.  Or is it biology?

And by early evening, the licking had not stopped.  People were walking up behind each other, stooping and licking each other’s elbows.  If the aliens had to land in my living room last night, they would have left our planet unharmed and us earthlings unscathed.  Firm in their conviction that there is indeed no intelligent life on earth.

We formed two man teams, working in cahoots.  One distracting the victim, with something random, whilst the other did the licking.  And in this manner, I successfully licked all three of my kids – some more than once.  Perhaps I’m the one that’s REALLY weird?  The odd and twisted thing goes without saying.  I don’t think any of my friends would do the same.  I’m sure in some cultures the licking of elbows is frowned upon.  Apparently licking behind the knees, not so much.  But that’s something entirely different, as we all know.

All of us were eagerly awaiting the arrival of Grant yesterday afternoon, after a hard day at work.  A new guinea pig for us to experiment on.  He had no sooner walked in the door, briefcase still in hand, when he got licked.  Twice!  By different kids.  Cole however did confirm that licking Daddy’s elbow is not all that nice – way to hairy for his taste.

And should an outbreak of Hepatitis B, be the result of our forays into investigating some of life’s great mysteries like the elbow-licking anomaly, I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologise.

I did notice something though during the course of our afternoon.  No one volunteered to lick our domestic worker’s elbow.  Not once.  And we all simply adore her.  It’s not because she is a different colour, so it’s not racist.  Or for matters of hygiene, because quite obviously she’s meticulously clean.  I would hardly invite her into our home every day if she was not.  Occasionally she babysits or house sits for us, and she sleeps in Amber’s bed.  It’s nothing personal either.  I think it’s got to do with comfort level and personal boundaries.  One simply doesn’t kiss just everybody on the lips.  And apparently the same goes for elbows too.

So, I would like to urge you.  Should you visit me in future, take it under advisement and from a place of concern – wear long sleeved shirts.  Sweaters and jackets are even better.  And should you per chance get licked, know this – you are deeply loved. 

It’s a sign of affection for sure.


1 comment:

  1. Good Chuckle. Lovely stuff. Maybe Uncle Dan's genes?