Monday, 6 May 2013

Elevator Music - it sucks!

Elevator Music - it sucks!
6 May 2013

Man, but elevator music sucks.  Big time!  And it would appear as though the founders of terrible-elevator-music-incorporating-synthesized-remixes-of-great-masterpieces, have “successfully” branched out to telephone-on-hold music too.

Quite frankly, I would rather head unending repeats of that poor chick that keeps on saying, “Your call is important to us, please hold”.

Just today, I had to phone our local municipality and I was “treated” to a horrendous rendition of “I want to hold your hand” by The Beatles.  And let me tell you, that John Lennon is turning in his grave.  He might even be doing flick-flacks too.  It is absolute sacrilege doing something as hideous as a pan flute performance of such a great song.  They defamed a beautiful piece of music, irrevocably.  Even Michael Bolton or Kenny G would be better.  Why?  Because they are already awful.  On their own.  And so the founders of  terrible-elevator-music-incorporating-synthesized-remixes-of-great-masterpieces, are not in actual fact denigrating a piece of music that has great historical and sentimental value, when they malign one of these songs.  I am able to simply tune it out.  Because the basis of their pan flute/synthesized remix is already pretty darn bad.  It is hardly possible to make it any worse.

But to do that?  To The Beatles no less!  My ears may start bleeding.

Don’t you think that we could make our world a better place, if they started playing better music to us while we’re on hold?  We might even start believing them if they say that our call is important, if they reward us with good music while we wait. 

And so, I would like to propose that a team of dedicated professionals, set about finding a solution to our dilemma.  Perhaps they can invent a sort of PABX telephone system thingy-ma-jiggy.  One of those automated ones (even though I HATE them and prefer speaking to a real person).  A system so advanced, their inventors might even be eligible for and in fact win Nobel Peace Prizes.  So great would their service be to the whole human race.

Hey, it can happen you know!  And so, when you dial through, there can be this husky, manly, male voice that answers a call.  And then “The Voice” says,

“If you’re a man, please press 1.” (this will ensure that the husky manly male voice, is replaced by a husky, sexy, female voice – clearly we aim to please)

“If you enjoy pan flute music or synthesized remixes of great songs, please hang up.  You are NOT important to us.”

“If you support local music and wish to listen to some home grown talent while you wait, please press 2.”

“If you wish to order an online CD of the awesome home grown music you have just listened to, please press 3.”

“If you are partial to heavy metal, please bang 4 repeatedly.”

“If you enjoy flaky teeny-bopper music, please press 5.  Or don’t.  I mean you can if you really want to.  It’s entirely your call.  No pressure.  Whatever.”

“If you enjoy death metal and very dark music of the Marilyn Manson and Slipknot variety, please press 666.”

“If you enjoy religious music, please press 7.”

“If you enjoy classical music, please press 8 very softly (pianissimo).”

“If you enjoy rock and blues, please press 9.”

See!  Now how difficult was that?  If I was greeted with an intelligent system like the abovementioned, I might find myself spontaneously dialling our local Municipality a few times a day.  Just for fun!

You see where I’m going with this?

A Nobel Peace Prize, I tell you!

This is what really happens behind the scenes at call centres, when they say "Your call is important to us" - they kill themselves laughing at us!

Ja, right!

If only we believed them...

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