Friday, 31 May 2013

The Best of the Worst Country Song Titles

The Best of the Worst Country Song Titles
31 May 2013

So just the other day, Ellen DeGeneres was on in the lounge, whilst I was cooking in the kitchen.  Amber absolutely loves her show, and every so often, puts it on.  Now I really, really enjoy Ellen.  I never actually sit down and watch it.  I’m not sure when it is on, or even what channel it is on, but whenever I catch a glimpse, I’m normally glad I did.  You know why?  Because she makes me laugh.  Every single time.  It stands to reason that she would - she is a very, very funny lady.

And on this occasion, she was having a dig at the awful Country song titles that there were.  It was a hoot!  I could barely believe these titles.  Did people really write songs called, “I flushed you from the toilets of my heart”.  As well as, “I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me”.  For real?  Seriously?  As in, not only did they write these songs, they recorded them.  And then, horror of horrors – they sold them.  To people!  Who bought them?  The mind boggles!

To be truthful, I abandoned cooking right then and there.  I was spellbound.  Nay, mesmerised.  To be even more honest, I was pretty much useless after that.  Because once that segment was finished, I simply had to dash to the computer to Google, “Best of the worst Country song titles”.  And do you know, that once I entered my search, there were 4 990 000 results on the web within 0,27 seconds? 

I was hooked and have been ever since.  It has caused much mirth and peals of laughter.  Unprovoked at times, when I’m busy doing something else, and one of those titles simply pops up into my head.  Now this is not blasphemous at all, I just find it really, really, really funny.  But there is a Country song called, “Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life”.  And I think the reason I find it so funny, is the mental image that comes to mind.

And please do allow me to share some of my personal favourite “Best of the worst Country Song Titles”:

  • I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
  • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
  • I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
  • If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
  • If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
  • If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
  • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
  • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
  • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
  • Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
  • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
  • You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly
  • My Tears Have Washed "I Love You" Off The Blackboard Of My Heart
  • I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
  • I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
  • If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
  • I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
  • The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There
  • I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
  • I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
  • Did I Shave my Legs for This?
  • I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me
  • I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade
  • I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)
  • I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing
  • I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
I would also like to categorically state, that I do not like Country music at all.  Nor Western for the matter.  Not even one little bit.  It is simply a personal preference, and I mean no disrespect to anyone that does.  But to combine my aversion to Country and Western music with these ridiculous titles together is alluringly tempting and begging for ridicule.  And I find it really hard to resist.

Now, I’m putting myself out on a limb here.  But perhaps a part of the intrigue and “magic” of these songs, is that the words are just so very, very honest.  There is no deceit.  There is no circumventing the truth.  Nothing is couched in airy-fairy, touchy-feely fake-ness.   These Country guys and gals, just get right on down and tell it like it is.  No holds barred.  If their lives sucks, they’ll tell you all about it.  If their dog died, they’ll tell you.  If their favourite TV programme got canned they’ll tell you. 

And then it struck me.  Don’t I do the same with my blog?  Perhaps Country and Western artists are musical bloggers!!!  Of course yes!  It all makes perfect sense.

Naturally, it didn’t take long for me to start thinking of ways for me to blog in song too.  And for extra authenticity, it stands to reason, that I would tap from my very own life for inspiration.  And so I give you:

My pocket’s gone dry, cause my Jumping Castle’s done popped” – Technically, this is not true.  I have fourteen Jumping Castles, all in good nick, but damn it would make a good tune.  Loads of awesome elements in there.  I’ve got the lingo down pat, and financial hardships are always a winning theme.

I’d make you supper darling, but my cooking skills are gone” – An awesome excuse for not cooking a meal.

I’ve got me a hankering for a lovin, but I best get my roast in this darn oven” – Always got to put food first.

I’d buy you a shiny car, but I ain’t got no money, so I’ll have to give you a hug instead” – True story.

You warm the cockles of my heart, like the car seat heaters, warm my butt” – If only I had car seat heaters.

You’re done breaking my heart, with your channel hopping-ways” – Many a wife can identify, I’m sure.

You parked your pick-up in the garage of my heart” – Don’t have any explanation for this one.  Don’t even have a pick-up.

Your hair might be long gone, but the rest of your body sure ain't” – Say no more.

You’re the cherry on the love cake of my life” – Corny enough?
Roses are red, violets are blue.  I loved you so much, I made you lamb stew” – I do make a killer lamb stew.

See!  How easy was that?  I’m a natural.  Perhaps I was a country artist in a previous life?  Alternatively, country stars could simply outsource to me.  I’m sure I’d be able to come up with some truly winning and memorable lyrics for sure.

Watch out Taylor Swift.

I’m a comin…




  1. This is so funny! And so its time for me to come out- have to say I LOVE Shania Twain - best Country Singer ever! Even got one of her DVD's! True story!

  2. Oh - and of course the great Johhny Cash too! Tee hee!!

  3. When I’m looking for the latest country music, I always end up in one spot – 103.1 WIRK. I was even lucky enough to catch up with Keith Van Allen in the streets and got free ‘Rib Round Up’ tickets. Just one of the many events that keep me tuned into