High Schools - their subjects are just so outdated

High Schools - their subjects are just so outdated
26 September 2013

High Schools clearly need to step things up a notch and get with the programme!  Teenagers are faring terribly with regards to their academics, and I have figured out exactly why.

Their subjects have not kept abreast of the times.

Cause let’s be honest, History is so dated (get it?), Science is so scientific (kind of the point), Maths is all about numbers (Uh, duh!  Teenagers all have calculators on their phones, able to work out all the needed sums they are unable to do.), Geography is so concerned with places and soil (Hello!  It’s dirt!), Economics is so shallow and obsessed with money, Biology is so ….. (hang on – thanks to their hormones, Biology is the one subject they actually show interest in).  But you get my point.  Obviously these subjects are geared towards the kids of yesteryear.  Positively archaic compared to the needs of the kids of this era.

Why if the Education Department would just change the curriculum, to suit the needs of the teens of today, they’d all be blinking geniuses!  Excelling at their schooling.  Sailing through it all.  Acing every test.  They’d be all Cum Laude this and Cum Laude that.  Brainboxes, one and all.

And so I’ve given it a little bit of thought, as to exactly which subjects they should include in their revised curriculum statement.  Subjects that would best service the knowledge that the kids already seem to possess.  I mean why bother teaching them something they have no interest in, inclination towards, or desire to comprehend?

Instead, we could focus on the following instead:

FACEBOOK

Now let’s think about this.  It’s actually pretty clever, I’m sure you’ll agree.  Entry level courses, could deal with the basics, like setting up your account, controlling privacy settings and the like.  Slightly more advanced courses, geared towards the older teen, could explore successful tagging of friends.  Synchronizing applications between their Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts.  The intricacies of mobile uploads.  The minimum status update requirements (I think new statuses are generally posted at 27 minute intervals), as well as the appropriate time frame between sending out game requests to their entire address book.

TWITTER

How to maximise abbreviations, so as to not exceed the 140 character limit.  With proper dedication, entire paragraphs can be condensed into one long sentence.  It does indeed require patience and diligence from the novice student, yet soon they’ll find themselves able to lol, rofl, wud, tms, toz , ttul, and tyt with the best of them.

TEXTING ABBREVIATONS

Please see my reference above.  Texting abbreviations are simply huge.  Even though technically they’re actually short.  And they’re not used for texting only.  Any social media benefits from this skill - i.e. Facebook, email, WhatsApp, BBM, etc.  I would however recommend that a fellow teen should give lectures of this kind, as an adult teacher would simply be at a loss for words.  No, really – a loss for words.  I think that part of the trick is to eliminate vowels entirely, and hence most of these chats appear to be Polish, or of Czech origin.

TAKING OF SELFIES

Any self-respecting teenager worthy of the name, has a virtual plethora of selfies.  Entire folders dedicated to this popular art form.  For the teenage girl, there are certain basic requirements, including pouting of the lips, plumping of the breasts and maximum exposure of flesh.  In fact, being able to create the impression that you’re wearing nothing at all, requires a high level of skill, and most advanced courses will deal with this.  For the teenage boy, the requirements are slightly different – maximum bicep exposure is key and the liberal dotting around of alcohol is super important, as it gives credibility and has a certain bad-ass factor too.

SUCCESFULLY ORGANISING A PARTY, USING A MOBILE PHONE ONLY

Most event companies can learn lots, simply from the manner in which teenagers are able to organise large scale get-togethers with a minimum of fuss, and effort too.  Given the 140 character limit, used for tweeting, as well as the generous use of texting abbreviations, they are known to simply broadcasting messages to hundreds of people at the click of a button.  And I do believe that they make use of certain phrases, to garner maximum exposure and guarantee attendance.  Amongst others the phrase, “no parents supervising” is hugely popular.  As well as “byob” (bring your own booze – a dead giveaway that there will be no parents supervising).  And let’s not forget that old chestnut – “Open Party – invite all your friends”.

BUNKING CLASS

I believe that this is a short course and that attendance numbers dwindle, as certain trade secrets are revealed.  These stock trade secrets are then put into play, teens bunk, and hence after a few classes, there is no need for classes at all, as the students are effectively bunking.  Sweet success!  In fact this is a measure of exactly how effective this class is.

AVOIDING CHORES USING LAME EXCUSES

Teens are actually gifted when it comes to this.  They show remarkable ingenuity.  The old “my-tummy-is-sore-I-need-the-loo” is taken and then worked into another few standard excuses.  Teens are also super adaptable and therefore they are able to turn the standard chore-excuses into homework excuses too.  It is amazing how flexible they can be.  And given a bit of practice, the experienced teen will never find the need to resort to the old, “my-dog-ate-my-homework” excuse.  They would have evolved and harnessed their full potential, with impressive results as their just rewards.

SPEED HOMEWORK

Speed homework is a wonderful example of dedication to diddly-squat and sloppiness.  No effort is required.  No brain power either.  And speed homework used in conjunction with “I-left-my-books-at-school” is a wonderful alternative to doing homework the old fashioned way.

STUDY PRETENCE

They are absolute pro’s at study pretence.  And just to clarify, study pretence goes hand in hand with an inability to tell the time.  They will swear high and low that they’ve been studying for an hour already, when you know with every fibre of your being that just twelve minutes has passed since they entered their room for their studying session.  This lack of time-telling ability is also witnessed when you urge them to get off their PlayStation, computer, TV, Wii or Xbox.  However, the reverse is then true.  They will claim that they’ve only been playing for 12 minutes, when you know with every fibre of your being, that one whole hour has passed, since they stopped their studying session.  Truly remarkable!

EXPOSING BOXERS

Sexism is not cool.  And we all know that.  But, exceptions are to be made.  And for the “Exposing Boxers” course, girls are surplus to requirements.  This course includes practical examples and a lot of role play, in order to know exactly how low the outer pants crotch should hang, in order to expose maximum boxer levels.  Be prepared – this does require a lot of practice.

HAIR-STRAIGHTENING

Now just as the boys have their own exclusive courses, so too do the girls.  Hair straightening is serious business indeed.  And adults can be forgiven for thinking that only girls with curly or frizzy hair will attend these classes.  However nothing could be further from the truth.  There simply is no straight-enough.  This is an impossible ideal, yet an outcome that is yearned for.  Singeing the hair with a GHD, or any other manner of straightening tool, as well as an excessive use of expensive hair products is encouraged.

CHANGE – HOW TO NOT GIVE ANY BACK

Teens are particularly adept at not giving change back to their parents.  Irrespective of the denomination given to them, you will never get any change back at all.  Course material includes ways for the teens to effectively train their parents to lower their change expectations.

ILLEGAL DOWNLOADS

With regards to illegal downloads, the course matter is rather vast and covers a rather wide spectrum of material.  It ranges from illegal game downloads, TV mini-series’, latest movies, game cheat codes, etc.  This is rather advanced though, and not one to be entered lightly.  Be warned that this course does on occasion have the undesirable outcome of guzzling up your entire internet bandwidth.  But such is the price one should pay for a good education.  

YOUTUBE

A huge portion of this section of the curriculum, deals with uploading.  In general the upload material can vary largely.  From videos of themselves singing, to “cool” fights that happened at school.  There is no limit in terms of the size or subject matter that gets uploaded.

FRIDGE AND SNACK RAIDING

This subject, will deal with the hidden potential that gets unlocked when you are able to turn on your internal food radar.  No sniffer dog could ever compete with the success ratio achieved by hungry teens, when it comes to finding hidden food and sweet treasures.

TEXTING WITHOUT LOOKING AT YOUR SCREEN

Teens have an incredible ability to multi-task.  However this talent only comes to the fore with regards to texting.  Not with anything else.  They are able to text at super speed, all whilst maintaining a conversation with a parent, eating noodles, dribbling a soccer ball, and keeping an eye on the TV screen.  And to be honest, I’m so jealous!  I would love to be able to do the same.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate my earlier claim.  If High Schools simply changed their subject material, teens would fly through school.  It is true that they will be practically unemployable, but is that really so bad?  More jobs for us old fogeys.  More money to spread amongst a smaller amount of educated people.

Schools have clearly missed a critical coup.  Why if only they took my handy tips into consideration, we could turn our failing education system around.  Pass rates would soar.  Attendance might even boom.

So long, conventional education and subjects.  So long…

It’s been really good.

Or should I rather say,

Its bn rly gd?

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