Saturday, 14 September 2013

The earliest reported case of Tinselitis

The earliest reported case of Tinselitis
13 September 2013

Dr Helene’s in da house.  And it’s only fair that I warn you.  Just this week, I have diagnosed the earliest reported case of Tinselitis.  Near unprecedentedly early.  And I fear it will be highly contagious.  In fact, I’m expecting an absolute influx of new outbreaks everywhere.

Now it is true, that Tinselitis does normally rear it’s expensive little head round about this time of the year.  Though I would say that November is a more common time to start witnessing new infections.   Possibly October at a push.  However, this year, we are most likely going to suffer from a rather virulent strain.  Particularly difficult to immunise against.  There is also no cure.  And hence Early Onset Tinselitis, or EOT is to be expected.

And so, Doctors orders are as follows:  Remain indoors less the disease spreads.  I’ve seen this happen in the past.  And you know how clever these little bugs are.  They are able to attach themselves to unsuspecting carriers or hosts and find their way into your home.  Possibly by osmosis?  Maybe even through your TV screens?  Vigilance is called for.  Be ever on the lookout.  Now is not the time to snooze.

It is true, that by December, most of us will be infected.  So brace yourselves.  Don’t be afraid.  This is fine.  Normal even.  Everyone needs to have a small Tinselitis infection every single year.  It’s sort of a way to build up your immune system.  To fortify yourself.

By the beginning of December, physical evidence of Tinselitis, will be found in most homes.  However some strong individuals, resistant to EOT, will be able to hold out until the 13th day of December.  Exactly twelve days before the very height of the infection.  When cross contamination is at its worst.  Though for those courageous souls, able to withstand submitting until the 13th, they normally too succumb to this plague.  No one is immune.  And how do they do it?  What makes them crack and join the illness fray?  Well, it usually occurs when their true loves gives to them a partridge in a pear tree.

But fear not.  My vast medical experience has taught me a few things.  And I’m nothing if not observant.  Mark my words.  This disease will eventually pass.  And by the 26th of December, I predict that we would have managed to successfully break the back of this dreaded and infiltrating infection. 

Slowly but surely, all evidence of its very existence will start fading away.

The symptoms will dissipate too.  Calm will return and all will go back to normal.

But in the interim:  Be Strong. 

You can never be too cautious.  Tinselitis is everywhere.  You have been warned.

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  1. What!! Already!!

    This year I am going to do Christmas again.
    By the way, as far as I know, it is a 'famiiie-kwaal' - runs in famlies.

  2. Bring it on!!
    Getting lights again too!