From the birds and the bees, to family trees.: My taste in men

My taste in men
6 September 2013

It is safe to say, that as I have “matured in years”, so too, my taste in men has matured as well. Or perhaps it has evolved.

And all I can say is thank heavens for that! Gone are my pre-tween and teen years, when I swooned over my favourite TV stars. Don Johnson in his Miami Vice jackets quite literally made me feel lightheaded. Well, the tan and the white suits (bizarre but true), somehow helped too. And let’s not forget the contrived beard stubble and the perfectly coiffed hair at all times. Add a bit of bling around the neck in the form of big linked silver or gold chains, and you’re pretty much good to go. He had the whole look down pat. But they still called him Crockett.

Then there was The Hoff. And in hindsight, this is most unfortunate and rather embarrassing to admit. Especially given the fact that I now see an alarming comparison, looks-wise, between The Hoff and Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear. Though perhaps this is mainly due to the hair. This was still in The Hoff’s Knight Rider years and the car similarity between him and Jeremy suddenly becomes even more evident. I would however like to clarify, I luckily outgrew my Hoff infection before he started donning his orange trunks for Babe Watch. Err, I mean Baywatch. I would also like to categorically state that I am not and have never been attracted to Jeremy Clarkson. Though I do find his wit, or rather half thereof, rather entertaining.

Then there was pretty boy, Face, from the A-Team. He was cheesy, but he was handsome. He was sweet talking with the ladies and a definite player. Unable to commit, to just one woman. Still one forgave it all, because of his charm. And for his kooky craziness, Murdoch had a certain humour appeal too.

Pulling out the big guns, Magnum deserves special mention. And in hindsight, my attraction to him leaves me rather puzzled. First of all, his Hawaiian style shirts, were excessively loud and bright. Eye blinding in fact. His moustache was bigger than big. His chest hair took fuzzy to a whole new level. And his mop or hair was rather unfortunate too. And once again, I see the Jeremy Clarkson pattern emerge. Especially given the fact, that our Magnum, spent as much time as possible in his swanky Ferrari. Jeremy would indeed approve of his love of fast cars, though not perhaps of the model. However, most telling of all, much as I liked Magnum, he’s simply always had an alarming propensity to wear excessively high-waisted pants. Even for the 80’s. He kinda set the bar.

Now when it comes to MacGyver, I’d like to apologise. And in my defence, I’d like to state that I was young. I knew no better. I was not properly educated yet. Because here’s the thing – I didn’t yet fully comprehend the horrors of the mullet. Sad but true. But fear not, my eyes have been opened. And I can see clearly now. And all I can do is ask myself this: if someone had shared with MacGyver how harshly he would be judged for his mane, what would he do? Well it’s pretty simply. He’d take a paperclip, a pencil, a bottle cap, a piece of string, some baking powder, a yellow daisy from the garden and fashion a new-fangled automatic haircutting device. Because that’s the way he liked to roll.

So, for this one I’ve had to dig deep. Remember that old programme called Riptide? Well, it had these two hunky guys and then the one computer nerdy type. So everyone always knew that the nerd was the brains of the operation. But a bit of bulky brawn definitely goes a long way too. And for this series, they clearly decided to hedge all bets, as eye candy came in both flavours – blonde with wavy hair and bushy moustache. And dark haired with dimples. It’s actually rather clever you see.

And who can forget that cutie, Ted Danson, from Cheers! Nah, just checking if you were paying any attention whatsoever. Now I’m not saying Ted wasn’t a lovely fellow. Cause chances are, he really was. Personally I found him a bit too horsey looking and his fondness of beer was bound to bring trouble down the line. And so with barely a backwards glance, I was quite happy to wave cheers to ole’ Ted.

Airwolf – I think their choice of main actor for Airwolf was rather inspired. As the dude actually looked quite wolfy. Though technically, at the time, I thought he was a bit of a fox. He owned the hair side parting style and made it his own. Once again, I’m seeing a bit of a car theme with his looks. Though this time, he reminds me of the original iceman – former Finnish Formula One champ, Mika Häkkinen, of McLaren fame. And looking at the pic of the original cast, all I can do is say, “What’s up with the eye patch dude”? At what point did the scriptwriters think, “Hey, let’s make the one guy wear an eye patch as it will create mystique, intrigue and confusion”? I mean, seriously?

And then who can remember “Tales of the Golden Monkey”? I can’t recall much, except that I absolutely loved it. And thought the main character was a dish of note. However, upon closer inspection of the pic of the original cast, I couldn’t help but spot that the main character dishy dude’s dog has an eye patch??? Uh, hello??? And all I can do is say, “What’s up with the eye patch ~~dud~~e dog”? At what point did the scriptwriters think, “Hey, let’s make the one ~~guy~~ dog wear an eye patch as it will create mystique, intrigue and confusion”? I mean, seriously?

Once again, I can’t remember the intricate details of the programme all that well, but I remember absolutely loving Moonlighting, with Bruce Willis. And I’ve pretty much liked him in most of his subsequent movies as well. And I think it is in part due to the fact, that the role hasn’t really changed. Yip, he’s been the stereotypical slightly off the radar in terms of rules and regulations, law enforcer type. He still has a naughty glint in his eye. He’s still slightly mischievous. But in the end, irrespective of the character he plays, and the amount of guns he gets to wield around, he usually end of getting the baddie. And the beautiful babe too. Yippee ki-yay!

Pierce Brosnan was made for the role of James Bond. Well and truly. Don’t believe me? Just think back to his Remington Steele days. He was suave. He was cocky. He was pumped to the gills with self-confidence. And in addition, he got to perfect his tuxedo wearing style. All round, on all levels, it was a sort of training academy for his 007 days to come. Kind of like a boot camp for Bond.

And then there was the lovely, lovely Johnny Depp from 21 Jump Street. He was cool and different even then. He was ridiculously young. Cute as anything. And somehow he never quite lost his appeal. In fact, with his “matured in years”, he’s grown even lovelier. Look it’s not to be disputed that I think he’s probably totally cooked in the head. He tends to play challenging and different roles. And his portrayal of the wacky rapscallion, Captain Jack Sparrow, is far too accurate and convincing. In addition he spends a lot of time around Helena Bonham Carter (I don’t think she’s all that stable) and Tim Burton (I know he’s not all that stable either).

And somehow or other, despite losing my heart, several times, to numerous heartthrobs on the silver screen and small screen, I find myself married to a bald man. No moustache. No wavy locks. No dimples. No six pack in sight. No flashy car. No olive complexion. No excessive chest hair (well…). No perpetual fountain of youth. No ability to make something from nothing. No inclination to fly a helicopter or a plane. No tuxedo. No white suit. No glaring and obvious bling. Though thankfully no eye patch either.

Yet surprisingly of all, he’s the loveliest of the lot.

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