Monday, 15 July 2013

Memoirs of a one year old - Chapter 2

Memoirs of a one year old - Chapter 2
15 July 2013

Having dealt with the basics, in chapter 1, it’s time to move on to chapter 2 – Mobility, Manipulation and Bowel Movements:

I had been feeling increasingly frustrated with my lack of mobility, despite the courteous use of the seat-push-wheel-thingy that the TNC’s (big ones) plonk me down in on occasion.  I do find though, that I resent the amount of control it gives the TNC’s in choosing my destination.  Thus leaving little room for manoeuvring in my fertile imagination as to where I'd actually like to go to.  Naturally I was chomping at the bit, to take more charge of my own life.  However I had to be mindful of the over developed caution gene with the TNC’s and had to gradually condition them to greater acceptance of my increased mobility.

Predictably I had mastered the finer arts of walking quite early on.  Still I sensed that it might cause the TNC’s distress.  And so I worked out a schedule, whereby I would gradually stretch their mental boundaries of my dexterity and competence.  I started my campaign of increased acceptance of my abilities by wowing them with my rolling abilities.  Amazing how little it takes to impress them.  After a few weeks of rolling around apparently aimlessly (I actually used this time to scope my surroundings), I decided to step things up a notch, by becoming more vertical and hence sitting commenced.  Once again the TNC’s were wowed.  Shame, they’re actually so easy to dazzle.  Still this could not satisfy me for long and I progressed to crawling soon thereafter (way more opportunities to case the joint I was staying in – man, you’ll never believe the dust I found and the attempting allure of power sockets – one I find hard to resist as my fingers would fit in there so easily).  It was but a short leap from crawling to standing up and coasting around the furniture, simply to pacify them and assure them off my strength, stamina and perseverance.  All this with my eye on the end game – walking baby!  I also felt that the whole sustained release strategy of my campaign-of-increased-acceptance-of-my-abilities was fair warning, giving the paparazzo’s enough time to be ready to capture the golden moment.  My very first steps.  Well, my first steps for their benefit, I should say.

Moving swiftly along, to things of a more prosaic nature – bowel movements.  Right, so the thing with bowel movements, is this:  It is a great tool for manipulating the TNC’s.  Firstly it is best to understand that the different “parcels” I dispense in my nappy or diaper, are actually a form of communication.  Let’s forget about the “solid” parcels for the moment, and focus on the liquid ones instead.  The liquid parcels are used to get some much needed attention, a spot of cuddle time, as well as a bit of a walk-about.  A change of scenery if you like.  Now the solid parcels are used for the same purpose as the liquid parcels, with a few extra dimensions added to spice things up a bit.  You might say, I tweaked things.  They are a way for me to give me opinion on the food I have just consumed.  Sort of a rating or score card if you like.  Everyone’s a critic!  On occasion, to make a point, I have withheld the dispensing of parcels as I feel that it is good to keep the TNC’s guessing and build up a bit of excitement.  Some anticipation if you like.  Every natural performer, learns how to read his audience.  To know how to best entice his audience and get the most from them.  To draw out the suspense.  Though at the same time, I have also come to appreciate the fact that I can use my parcel-power as a form of punishment.  Leaving a messy treasure when they least expect it.  The things performers have to do on occasion.  The level we have to sink to.  It’s a nasty business, I know.  Still the TNC’s place a huge amount of emphasis on regular delivery of parcels.  In fact, they’re likely to get quite in a tizz if you leave them waiting too long.  The trick is all in the timing.  If your timing is good, and you leave them waiting just long enough, they reward your parcel efforts grandly.  And make you feel like a genius.  Which of course you are.  But, if your timing is bad and you keep them hanging too long, you get hauled off to the TNC that smells just like the place where you first emerged from the portal.  This TNC tends to wear white and usually makes me undress, only to put a cold metal object on my chest and back.  Most peculiar.  Doesn’t he know that the cold metal object has no bearing whatsoever on my dispensing of parcels?

In fact, I get taken quite regularly to the portal place.  Or somewhere similar.  Apparently they call these “The Clinic”.  They always make me undress here too and weigh and measure me.  Personally I find this obsession with appearances rather shallow.  But what can I do?  The side benefit of these portal visits, is the opportunities it affords me to interact with other wise beings, similar to me in size.  The things I’ve learnt on these visits have left me spellbound.  And even slack jawed on occasion.  One poor fool said that he shared his new home, not only with two TNC’s, but also with two other creatures, sort of medium in size.  The one, not much bigger than him, told him horror stories (his language was supposedly a combination of ours, and the TNC’s language).  The stuff nightmares are made off.  Apocalyptic in fact.  Talk of the milk eventually drying up.  What a cruel world!!!  Of our nappies or diapers being removed and having to deposit parcels into a different container all together.  What manner of beast would even think up such a thing!  It sounds inhumane and barbaric!  I’m assuming the poor fellow is sadly misguided.  No milk!!!  Have you ever!  Chance would be a fine thing!

Why didn’t he just try and feed us another whopper while he was at it?  Like we’d eventually grow fangs like the big ones?  Or perhaps morph into beings of their size?  Ridiculous!  Poppycock!  Preposterous!

Please tune in again tomorrow, for Chapter 3 – more about sleep deprivation – a cunning method of mind control, as well as other forms of torture.

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1 comment:

  1. These are such fun, Helene! Looking forward to the next episode! X