Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Man Flu - terminal but never fatal

Man Flu - terminal but never fatal
2 July 2013

Blegh!  Man Flu.  The worst illness on the planet.  Forget H1N1, the Plague, the Great Flu Epidemic of 1918, Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E….., the Rotavirus, heck even the Ebola virus.  Man Flu puts them all to shame and shows them who’s the boss.  It is a horrible, debilitating disease, that has been befalling the menfolk of this world and making them feel poorly since time immemorial. 

It really is a rather strange phenomenon and most certainly only strikes the male population of the planet.  Somehow or other, women are particularly immune to it and never seem to succumb.  Why even a particularly virulent strain of the Man Flu is unable to flay the average woman.  Of even a below-average-woman (if such a creature exists).

Personally, I've become rather adept at picking up the clues and the warning signs of an imminent outbreak, or should I rather call it a pandemic?  Sounds way more dramatic, and worthy of fear.

Phase 1 - Starting to complain of niggles in the throat area.  This can also be accompanied by extreme bouts of sneezing and a runny nose in general.  (During this phase, it is advisable to stock up on tissues or good old fashioned loo paper – double-ply is best).

Phase 2 - Phoning of the mother.  Sick men, phone their Mom's.  This is a well-documented fact.  And should the mother in question no longer be alive, then any other female mother figure would normally suffice.   Grandmothers or aunts make awesome "mother" substitutes.  Though at a push, I'm sure even the "tannie" at the "tuisbedryf" would do perfectly well too.

Phase 3 - By now the severity of the symptoms seem to have escalated and a trip to the pharmacy is essential to stock up on a vast array of medicines.  Some needed - some not so much.  Still, the whole placebo effect comes in to play.  Chances are that little artificial sweetener tablets, believed to be antibiotics, will do equally well, in “curing” the terrible ailment, called Man Flu.

Phase 4 - Giving up hope on the marvels of modern medicine curing the Man Flu, more "traditional" and unconventional steps are taken.  Vicks is rubbed on the chest and back area.  As well as under the soles of the feet (???).  I kid you not!  Evil looking concoctions are brewed up in the kitchen.  A combo of ginger, honey, lemon and cinnamon.  The most vile tasting stuff you have ever imagined. It is able to involuntarily induce the hurl-reflex.  In fact it is rather surprising that the mere threat of administering this "remedy" is not enough to send that Man Flu packing.

Phase 5 - Bed rest and relaxation.  This phase is normally able to run in conjunction with a few of the other phases simultaneously.  Concurrently with phases one to four.  In equal harmony.  This is supposedly super important, and can be implemented from the very first onset of Man Flu.  Nay, should be implemented from the get-go.

Given enough time, enough drugs and enough sympathy, the dreaded Man Flu symptoms are sure to abate eventually.  Keep the faith alive.  This too shall pass.

And ladies, if you’re not really feeling the sympathy, just fake it.  Under the evil clutches of Man Flu, most men will be unable to differentiate between genuine outpourings of sympathy and fake put-on ones.  Such is the power of Man Flu.  So your secret should be safe.

And remember to put your Mother-In-Law on speed dial.  It saves a lot of time…

BTW – I’ve discovered that Man Flu is actually just an acronym for,

Men Acting Nauseatingly Feeble Lamenting (feeling) Unwell

I’m sure you’ll all agree.  Kinda makes sense to me.

Click and Like on Facebook

No comments:

Post a Comment