From the birds and the bees, to family trees.: Crimes against confectionery

Crimes against confectionery
19 June 2014

Man, oh man! I’ve seen some horrendous crimes against confectionary. Though to be truthful, mostly by my own hand.

However, am I alone? There’s a family story, of my mom, aged about fifteen, dying to impress her boyfriend, my dad. He was invited for a meal, and my mom wanted to make a sweet treat for dessert. I imagine in the hopes of showing off her culinary skills, and winning him over. And in her teenage wisdom, she elected to make a Roly Poly pudding. Now I have heard this story from various sources. My mom, my Dad, my gran as well as some of the other survivors. By all accounts it had a similar density and weight loading strength capacity as hardened, steel reinforced concrete. My dad used to fondly liken it to a brick. Similar weight, shape and colour. Aaahhh, fond memories, I believe it was.

In great optimism, I once decided to attempt baking Luke a birthday cake. Yes, it was rather foolish. Because I did not only attempt a normal square or round cake. I tried to make a Ninja Turtle cake. A friend’s mom had a mould, Luke was having a karate type party, and it seemed perfect. But as his party was a few days after his actual birthday, I thought I’d bake it twice. Once for his birthday, and once for the party. And what a good call that was.

Reason being, that on the birthday, I baked the cake, and all actually went well. However, when it came to icing the cake, I simply make a dark chocolate icing and liberally dolloped and smeared it all over the cake. The term, “unpalatable” rather accurately describes it. If brave enough to overcome, the terrible visual picture it made, the actual cake tasted fine. One just had to cross the visually unpleasing bridge. I quickly realised, that I would have to find proper coloured icing instead, and do it the correct way, for the party. And in the end, it didn’t look half bad.

Cake is a wonderful, marvellous, joyful, happy thing. It brings delight and pleasure. But every so often, things go a bit pear shaped. And you’re left with something ever so slightly undesirable. Most likely not the end product you were shooting for. Lots of times, the main mistake is the writing on the cake. Things often get lost in translation. Probably when verbal instructions are given over the phone. For Luke’s 5^th birthday, having learnt from my foolish ways, I decided to outsource. He needed a cake, shaped like the number five. Pretty simply really. Just a plain chocolate cake, with little army men and soldier stuff dotted around. It was an army party after all. I spoke to the baker. Made eye contact. Explained my requirements. In simple, concise, easy to understand words. Yet about two hours before the party, when my husband went to fetch the cake, it said, “Luck”. As opposed to “Luke”. Interesting indeed. We just went with it of course. Soldiers need luck all the time…

And then, quite unexpectedly, just the other day, I spotted a truly awful cake, and it gave me the idea. Are there any other awful cakes out there? What am I missing out on?

I did a quick search. And found out, that there was nothing “quick” about it at all. There were pages, and pages, and pages dedicated to catastrophic cakes. Entire blogs in honour of bad cakes. Virtual visual encyclopaedias immortalising the horrors.

It was a most enlightening experience. And in hindsight, my cake was bloody marvellous. I wouldn’t have made this list at all. The problem being, that once I started looking at the pics, I quite simply couldn’t stop. There were just too many of them. And most of them truly good. In a really bad way.

It also made me realise something else, when I was looking at some of the best terrible cake photos on the internet - clearly I’m not alone. There are many similarly afflicted individuals out there. And what they’ve done is a heinous and mostly unforgiveable sin. They’ve committed crimes against confectionary.

I wouldn’t put a mouth, to most of these “wonders”. And just look at them! Is it really any wonder??? I don’t think you would either.

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Few things, say, "I love you son", like an 18th Birthday cake, endorsing weed. What swell parents!

Now is it just me, or does Tink need to lay off the carbs and protein a bit? There's a hell of a lot of thigh action happening. And looking at the size of her wings, I don't think she's still flying. The wing-to-weight ratio seems a bit off.

I find this disturbing, on so many levels. It's creepy and smacks of cannibalism. Eeeuuu!

This little piggy went to the oven... I don't think anyone will buy him at the market

Messed up, is what this is!!!

Nice one! That's telling Ryan exactly how you feel. Sure he's strived all of his life to win your approval. NOT!

There simply are no words. Those princesses seem happy. Sorry - I just had to.

Bambi looks like she got hit by a car

Interesting take on a bee cake. Lots of effort? Not so much!

This is the stuff of nightmares - the dog is melting. Fancy a slice?

Stoppit! This is creepy, nasty and just plain wrong.

What kind of sick and twisted mind wants a cat litter box cake? I would not want to be stuck on a deserted island with this individual.

This is in terribly poo(r) taste - wouldn't want a bite

This is wrong. Very, very wrong.

Okay, all of the baby cakes are really freaking me out. Big time!

I am quite simply speechless. Not sure if this is a wedding cake or a divorce cake. Either which way it is nasty!

This is what is known as an epic fail. A funny one. But a fail none the less.

Alrighty then! Do dictation often?

Why would anyone want a spaghetti and meatballs cake? People are strange.

And then they get more strange. Yummy...

Apparently a divorce cake. Charming!

What can I say? I'm a huge fan of irony.

My only thought here is Halloween?

Shoot me now!!! So gross!

"Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye."

Aaahhh! Precious! Momma's giving birth to Casper. And by the looks of things, she's going to breastfeed.

Why??? Why??? Who does this???

I just don't get it

I'm guessing this took about 5 minutes to put together. No wait - maybe only three and a half.

Very Lion King. And odd.

Yay! It's about the small things in life.

Gotta admit - this did give me a laugh. Creepily accurate "entry" point.

Uncalled for. There were even more accurate depictions, but I couldn't bring myself to share them.

Okay, these baby ones, are making me lose the plot. In addition, this baby is not looking healthy. Far too blue. She needs oxygen dammit! Not a cake knife.

I'm assuming this is in honour of Thanksgiving?

I do apologise. It hurts my eyes to look at it. I merely share to show you how incredibly strange people are. This is pretty twisted.

My son, "Luck". Sadly at five he could spell his name, so he picked up on the error. Dutifully explained to him that soldiers need luck (and weapons, and good training, and bullet proof vests, and 3 square meals a day, and really short haircuts), to get them through combat.