Sunday, 8 June 2014

Vending machines - they're more deadly than sharks

Vending machines - they're more deadly than sharks
7 June 2014

So a short while ago, I did a blog about weird fears of death that people have.  From strange and bizarre things.  Mostly induced by exposure to TV.  Like the ludicrous fear I had of death-by-quicksand when I was a kid.  It can all be traced back to those old Spaghetti-Westerns my dad used to watch.  As a family, we loved them.  And lapped them up. 

Though for me, probably the greatest fear of all, has always been death-by-great-white, followed closely by death-by-rattlesnake (actually any snake).  And this is all thanks to foolishly watching Jaws as a kid.  Even now, as a forty one year old adult, I don’t enjoy swimming.  In the pool.  Ever convinced that a great white is going to sneak up on me and tear me limb from limb.  Truly terrifying.  No amount of logic can dispel this inherit and completely baseless fear.  It simply is.

But then the other day, I saw something completely and utterly random.  And it convinced me, that I’ve been looking at this all wrong.  Blaming completely innocent, harmless “things”.  Like sharks and snakes.  When unbeknownst to me, the real random-death-cause had been going undetected.  Practically staring me in the face.

Are you ready for it?

Every year, more people are killed by vending machines than by sharks!

Are you kidding me???  Had I known, I wouldn’t have dared set foot in an airport again.  Or a hospital for that matter.  And don’t even let me get started on those ones they have at schools.  Preying on innocent, harmless and sweet little children!  No weapon to defend themselves.  No cause to even suspect!  I’ve always been told that snacking is bad.  But not dangerous!  Downright deadly.

Moreover, I could’ve been swimming all of these years!  In the sea, never mind my little inflatable pool at home! 

Apparently in the US alone, vending machines account for 13 deaths annually.  Whereas poor, humbled, misunderstood, and much-feared sharks are only guilty of about 5 deaths a year.  A much safer bet by far, I’m sure you’ll agree.

But never mind that.  It gets even more strange.  Every year about 34 people are killed by dogs in America.  And practically every household has a killer.  As a pet!  In fact, I’m equally guilty.  I have two!

Then there’s death-by-ants.  Yip, ants.  And don’t forget those sweet, buzzing, happy-yellow-and-black-stripey, pollen-carrying bees. 

However, those poor Russians.  They have it hard.  I suppose they can avoid swimming so as to save themselves from sharks.  In an effort to elude those murderous vending machines, they can decline going to hospitals, airports and schools.  But what are they to do, when an average of about a hundred people a year are killed from icicles.  ICICLES, I tell you!

Perhaps the safest bet, is to just lie in bed.  Surely the most effective way to protect yourself from harm’s way.  Except for the fact that in the great US of A, 450 people a year are killed by falling out of bed.  Is there nothing sacred!  Must the grim reaper lurk absolutely everywhere!

But perhaps, harshest of all, is the continent of Africa.  On average 2 900 people are killed every year by hippos.  Now that’s hectic!  And Disney goes an immortalises Gloria, the “friendly, dancing, laughing, tutu-wearing, rainbow afro sporting” hippo, in Madagascar.  False advertising I tell you.  Promoting the “innocence” of a dangerous and potentially deadly killer.

Which explains why I’m contemplating leaving Africa altogether.  The potential for accidental death is far too great.  And if statistics are to be believed, America’s not really a viable option for me.  And nor is Russia. 

So, I’m thinking perhaps Iraq.  Why if I avoid all of the terrorist, insurgent and military hotspots, hospitals, schools and airports with vending machines, icicles,  sharkie swimming pools, and sea’s, ants, flowers-potentially-sporting-bees, and beds, I should be perfectly safe.

Or not.

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Meet Gloria - she's an assassin

Snacking is dangerous for your health


  1. Amazing.......
    I am astonished!

  2. Helene, this is one of your funniest blogs!! Enjoyed it tremendously!!! Too funny!!!!!