Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Worst medicine names in the world


Worst medicine names in the world
18 March 2014

I’m a firm believer than being a martyr in today’s times, is a pointless and rather useless exercise.  Chances are no one will appreciate the effort you’re going to, to suck it all up.  To be brave. 

And therefore, though I’m not overly fond of tablets, medicines and pills, when there’s a need - well then, just take the bloody stuff and get better already.  Pop a pill. 

Not gratuitously, if you understand my meaning.  But purely medicinal.  To cure an ailment.  To aid your health.  To speed recovery and minimise discomfort.

And thus, if I’ve got a headache, and it’s bothering me enough to be annoying and make me snappish, I’ll take a Panado.  Why?  Well, it will make me feel better, cure my irritation and make me a better person.  It’s a no-brainer.  I’m pretty sure my family prefers me taking a Panado too.

However, this is few and far between.  I don’t have many health problems.  Head-aches uncommon.  Colds and flu’s too.  My only complaint is the occasional sore body – usually caused by lifting a heavy Jumping Castle, or sleeping funny.  A rarity.

But if you’re one of those stoic types, that prefers to stew out any ailment or illness all on your own, then I’m happy for you.  I salute you even.  You’re braver than me.  If you’re one of those, “no injection for me please doctor, just drill away” types at the dentist, I don’t salute you, I question your sanity.  There’s no need to be that brave.  They don’t hand out medals you know.

Still, if you decline medicinal help, when it’s available, then I beseech you, please be quiet about it.  I’m not unsympathetic.  But if you’re not feeling well, and the cure would be a pain killer, then TAKE-THE-BLOODY-PAINKILLER!  Or shut up already!  Alternatively remove yourself.  Albeit it quietly.  With minimum fuss. 

Just the other day, I went to the pharmacy to get some anti-histamines, for some of the sinus sufferers in my home.  Yes, I make them pop a pill.  It’s a kindness to me and to them.  Especially as breathing is rather essential to life, and they were battling on their own.  And standing in the queue at the pharmacy, I had time on my hands, and I was glancing around, when some of the bizarre medicine names on the shelves caught my eye. 

Who thinks up these names?  Do they have a panel of people?  People with either an odd sense of humour, no originality or no concept whatsoever of the use and application of the medicine they’re naming?

Firstly, Anusol jumped right out at me.  Now I’m no pharmacist.  Nor doctor.  But even I can guess what part of the anatomy, this is aimed at.  And though I suppose the name is pretty descriptive, I can’t imagine being a client in need of Anusol, and sidling up to the pharmacy counter, whispering in hushed tones, to the stranger assisting you, that you’d like some Anusol please.  Praying the whole time, that they heard you the first time and that you wouldn’t need to repeat your request.  Though possibly regular customers of Anusol, just write their prescription on a piece of paper, and slide it across the counter?  Makes sense to me.

Another one I found rather odd, was Betapyn.  Now which sick bastard thought up this little nugget?  Surely the aim of pain medication is to make the pain go away.  Not getter “better” and more potent.  Though I do suppose the pronunciation is “Beta”, as in Alpha, Beta, Charlie, etc.  Still, it looks a bit unfeeling.  As if it’s encouraging pain.  Instead of coaxing it to go quietly away.

But Betapyn is not the only ineptly named pain medication.  Let’s not forget Propain.  Now call my crazy, but I thought the whole point in taking pain medication, was because you were anti-pain.  As in against it.  Not pro it at all.

And will I ever forget how terrible my morning sickness was when I was pregnant with Amber.  I could set my clock to it.  And though my stomach felt pretty unsettled for most of the morning, by 10h15 every morning, I turned green.  Feeling horrid beyond belief.  And the only safe medication on the market, to counteract my nausea?  Well, it was a teeny tiny little tablet, called Vomifene.  Unfortunately, just seeing the name on the packaging made me gag.  And thus I was unable to take it. 

In my mind at least, the medicine should aid recovery.  Not hamper it.  Nor induce it.

And so, in writing this blog, I wondered if there were other “ill”-named medicines out there.  Which meant that I consulted my good friend, Google.  Naturally I was not disappointed.  A firm favourite was Aciphex.  No idea what it’s used for, but when pronouncing it, it sounds like “ass-effects”. Perhaps for fat-bottomed girls?  Personally I find that my ass-effects grow, as my bad eating habits increase.  There’s clearly a link.

Another alarming pattern, are the horrid names given to female hygiene products.  There’s Vagisil, for one.  Nice!  In fact, most feminine hygiene products, have horrific names.  Gruesome, and far too descriptive.  But perhaps I’m being unfair.  Medication for laxatives and diarrhoea, though polar opposite conditions or ailments, have equally awful names.

Which made me think, I wonder if I can apply to get onto that medicine-naming-panel-thingie?  I’d love to give it a try.

Just imagine the absolutely awesomely awful names I could invent. 

It would be medicinal madness and mayhem!  What fun!

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1 comment:

  1. Liquid silk, nogal!! Made from aloe?
    What next!

    I agree, the names are tooo dreadful!
    But you would be good!