Monday, 3 March 2014

The Chick Flick Glitch


 The Chick Flick Glitch
3 March 2014

Come on now.  Seriously!  Who does not enjoy a chick flick?  Especially if you’re a chick.

Though I’m not sexist at all.  If you’re a dude that likes a chick flick, more’s the power to you.  It’s an awesome babe magnet.  Few things are more likely to rev your lady’s engine faster, than saying, “Let’s watch Notting Hill tonight, my love”.  Alternatively, “That Hugh Grant in Love Actually, is such a sweetie, let’s watch it again, my sweet”.  And never underestimate the incredible power of, “The Notebook”.  Especially if you throw in a, “best we grabs some tissues for the both of us, babe”. 

You.  Will.  Score.

Guaranteed.  Alternatively, you can lie in bed and cuddle all night long.  Holding hands.  Giving long massages.  With no happy endings in sight…  Possibly discussing the merits or Hugh Grant, over Ryan Gosling.  Debating the clever use of the juxtaposition of…

But let’s be honest here – Hugh Grant’s not a real hit with the guys.  Maybe it’s the floppy hair.  Maybe it’s his unparalleled success with the ladies, that sparks a bit of jealousy.  Maybe it’s the way he’s a complete and utter dork, yet he still gets the hot chick.

Who can tell.  Anyway, suffice it to say, he’s not really popular with men.  Nor are chick flicks really.

Which is why I like to indulge when my Grantie’s away on a work trip.  I gorge myself.  It all starts off with a trip to the DVD shop, to glance and look.  To ponder and amble.  Until finally I’ve made my choice.  Usually, a front cover, combined with a title catches my eye pretty quickly.

But then, I don’t always go on gut instinct alone.  Normally I have a bit of notice that Grant’s going away.  And so, I make a mental note of the movie with the most amount of potential, and I ask around.  Is it any good?  I ask the shop assistant.  Who truthfully, is not all that accurate a judge of chick flicks – he’s a man.  On the very odd occasion, I might even google it.  But I’m scared of spoilers, and don’t really want the plot given away.

And to be truthful, my requirements are not really all that hard to meet:  Good looking guy.  Now I have noticed in the past, that even really ugly guys in movies, can become disarmingly handsome as a movie progresses.  The first time I ever saw Tom Cruise, was in Top Gun.  I’d only just heard about him, how hot he was, and how awesome the movie was.  And I was extremely disappointed the first time he appeared on the screen in front of me.  Surely, Tom Cruise was the tall sandy coloured hair guy – Goose.  Not Maverick?  Alas, a shirtless while later, combined with aviator sunglasses, and a distinguished looking white uniform, I was sold.  Hook, line and sinker.  And so, if the obviously handsome guy is not present at the beginning of a movie, I’m willing to give it some time.  To let the looks settle in.  Sometimes, there’s even a lengthy nerdy transformation to jock period.  And this I also get.  Also not improbable, is the fact that the obviously handsome guy in the beginning, is not the big catch after all.  Maybe it’s the shy quiet guy on the side lines.  The classic best friend.

Another requirement for chick flicks, is pretty obvious too - the beautiful, cute chick.  It’s a given.  Though she can also come in many guises.  Just like the man.  Her looks can grow.  She can go through a radical transformation.  Usually a swanky occasion, like a Prom or a fancy dress-up occasion, or another, can provide the perfect backdrop foil for the process of accentuating her dashing good looks.  And ravishing figure.  That was quite obviously there all along.

Now once you’ve got those two details ironed out, the main guy, and the leading gal, it’s pretty straight forward to deliver a chick flick success.  The story line can be thin.  Paltry at best.  Obviously transparent.  Even predictable.  It’s a part of the chick-flick charm.

Cause at the end of it all, this is what you want – barring a few necessary hic-ups on the way to everlasting love, guys gets girl and they all live happily ever after. 

End of the story.  Perhaps one can do a wee little flash forward in time, to see a few cutie kids, blah, blah, blah.  I’m okay with that.  In fact, I like it.

It’s what I want.  Nice.  Easy.  Predictable.  Romantic.  Safe.  Secure. 

Chick flicks are not a thinking gal’s thing.  They’re a relaxing, unwinding, happy ending thing.  Soothing and comforting.  Though thinking gals can like them too.  They also need to have some thinking down time.

So, do not vary from this recipe.  Do not tweak it.  Do not try and reinvent the wheel.  Stick to the thin story line, and all will be well. 

Cause few things in life cause greater disappointment and distess, than a chick flick that quite simply doesn’t deliver.  That leaves one feeling unsatisfied.  And still wanting.  Needing happy ending closure, with no hope of it in sight. 

Guaranteed chick flick failure, is the death of either the hot guy or the cute chick.  I mean what’s the point?  Why even bother?

And as such, I was a real sitting duck the other day.  I walked into the video shop, and immediately a DVD cover caught my eye.  It featured the lovely Rachel McAdams, in a bright red dress, quite literally glowing with happiness, laughing her head off.  The title, “About time”, also held promise.  Surely nothing bad could come from this?  In addition, there was the inscription on the DVD box – “from the creators of Notting Hill and Love Actually”.

This movie was guaranteed to deliver and deliver good.  I felt supreme in my confidence, that I’d struck gold once more.  My absolute favourite all-time best chick flick collection, was sure to grow.

To be fair, I was doubtful, before the opening credits even stopped.  The leading man, would take a heap load of imagination to see in a romantic light.  He was too skinny.  His hair was too ginger (and I actually like ginger hair – seriously, I do).  His accent was wrong.  There were a whole bunch of things that simply felt off-kilter.

Still, I’ve been down this road before.  And so I cautioned myself to give it some time.  Surely, I would come around and eventually even fall a little bit in love with him myself?

Alas, it was not to be. 

About five minutes into the movie, the leading man, was led off into his father’s study, for a good old Dad-and-Son bonding talk.  I braced myself.  This was sure to be the juice bit.  The exact point where the movie finally really kicked off.  Where things perked up.

Well, imagine my surprise, when the words popping out of dear old dad’s lips was this:  “Son I have to tell you something.  The men in our family have a special gift.  It sets us apart from the rest of the world.”

Well, my interest was tweaked.  I do believe, I even leaned forward.

And then dear old dad, delivered the death blow – “The men in our family can travel in time”.

To be fair, there was no comeback after this point.  Particularly, once it became evident that Daddums, wasn’t joking.

I was morbidly fascinated.  Holding out a shred of hope, that this was a joke, and that everyone would dissolve into peals of laughter.  But nought.  This was not to be.

Despite my disbelief, I sat through the whole thing.  Mouth gaping open for most of the time. 

It wasn’t even good.  Not even remotely.  Boy kind of got girl.  Could back track in time, and fix messed up dates.  Could do reruns and perfect certain things.

And because I could not face the fact that this could potentially be an epic movie fail, I watched the whole bloody thing.  Optimistic, that there would be a magical turn around at some or other point.

But no.  Skinny ginger, eventually got his girl.  And they lived an extraordinarily average life.  Day in and day out.

Kind of like real life, I suppose.  Which is great, when you’re the one doing it.

But when you’re looking for blessed escapist relief, it’s an epic fail.

And so next time Grant’s away, I’ll just watch The Notebook again.  Or maybe Notting Hill. 

Or The Lucky One.  Fifty First Dates.  Never been kissed.  Four weddings and a funeral.  Serendipity.  The Lake House.  Dan in real life.  The Proposal.  PS I love you.  Something’s gotta give.  And so the list goes on and on.

Perhaps best I be more selective in the future, before adding some new best chick flicks to my list.

I quite simply can’t afford the bad karma of having to endure another Chick Flick Glitch.

It will destroy me!

The heart wants what the heart wants – a mushy, squishy, predictable, satisfyingly happy ending.  It’s only fair.

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Aaahhh, some true beauties, amongst those listed here

Both The Holiday and The Notebook, are absolute favourites and I've watched them again, and again, and believe it or not, again

Lies I tell you - pure lies!

Even the small print lied. Saying that this movie was made by the same geniuses that gave us Love Actually and Notting Hill, is pure blasphemy!

The Lucky One - another movie worthy of mention

This is a fictitious list. Be warned. Though both my Grantie and I are very, very fond of The Family Stone. So that counts as one. And to be fair, Grant also likes Notting Hill. Then there's his fondness for...

Love Actually - one of the best in the business

Chick Flicks rule. Though I am extremely partial to a good action movie or a series too.

1 comment:

  1. I would far rather watch a familiar chick flick than a depressing new flick any day!
    Yep, Rob can't stand Hugh Grant..................