I don't dance, I balter

I don't dance, I balter
26 November 2013

BALTER – to dance or tread clumsily

Oh I get it.  It’s kind of when you’re balsy enough to think you can dance, but you actually falter.  It makes perfect sense.

And truthfully, I’m quite good at the art of baltering.  I don’t always look like an idiot.  But I’m well aware of the fact that I don’t look really all that cool either.  At least when I’m dancing. 

However, everyday life is a different matter.  I’m quite capable of stumbling for no apparent reason.  I don’t even need an object in the way.  It can just happen randomly.  And so, depending on the shop I’m in, I tend to walk up to the counter and hand my handbag over.  Well aware, that I’m quite liable to knock something over with it, otherwise.  In fact a while ago, Amber and I went to Mr Price Home.  A big retail shop, specialising in home ware products.  Yes, some of its dainty.  But lots of it is not.  My poor Amber was a nervous wreck.  Every so often, she’d pipe up – “Mommy – step away from the glasses”.  Or “Careful!  You just missed that!”.  I do believe that it was an unpleasant experience for her. 

Though we do tend to laugh a lot too, as something always gets knocked down.  By me.  Or something gets dropped.  By me.  And in situations like these, I always revert to my fall-back position.  I point my finger at her, look around me, and say in a loud voice, “She did it!”.  Apparently, I’m not very funny.  Though I do beg to differ.  Personally, I find it very funny.

But it would appear, as if I’m not the only baltering idiot out there.  There are many of us.  We rome amongst you.  And stealth is not our mode of movement.  Chances are, you’ll hear us, long before you see us.  Or we’ll simply bump into you.

Flight footed, we’re not.  Twinkle toes, neither.

And as luck would have it, I happened to STUMBLE upon some awesome YouTube clips of fellow balterers.  None more special than this one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrwU1_fIlNg.  It’s a beauty.  Absolutely hysterically funny.

Firstly, there’s the naff music.  Spine chillingly awful.  Then there’s the horrendous outfit, making him look like a male stripper gone wrong.  Oodles of chest hairs on display.  Big on the bling.  Added to that, there’s the whole wing arm bits, collar around the neck, and excessive and gratuitous use of sequence and glitter.  You simply HAVE to see it.

But if you haven’t – picture this…  Visualise the corniest male dancing outfit.  In the world.  No, cornier than that.  Dig deep.  Keep digging.  Just a little bit more.  Well, whatever you’re imagining now, it’s even worse.  The dancing itself isn’t all that bad.  Probably standard early 80-ish stuff.  However, there came a point when “Fred Astaire” simply got a bit ahead of himself.  He kicked his one leg up really high, and he must have  pulled a hamstring.  Yet, the video makes it look like he kicked himself in the face.  Which he might actually have done.  It certainly looks like he connected his leg with his face.  And he’s pretty much concussed thereafter.  Truly dazed and confused.  Barely able to stand on his own.  Very, very funny! 

But back to my own baltering.  Lack of rhythm and dancing skill aside, I’ve always enjoyed dancing.  Immensely.  Most particularly, when I don’t have to look at myself doing it.  Cause then I’m actually pretty good.

However, when I do catch the odd unfortunate glimpse?  The term blithering, baltering buffoon comes to mind.

Perhaps my saving grace, is the fact that it’s just as well, I’m not supple.  As I’d be sure to kick myself in the face too.

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