Thursday, 7 November 2013

My children's brains are surrounded by magnetic fields



My children's brains are surrounded by magnetic fields
7 November 2013

And you thought I knew nothing about science, hey! 

Well, let me tell you, I happen to know a thing or two about the field.  In fact, I think that some of my research might be ground breaking work.  Setting new standards for excellence and raising the bar. 

And I’m hardly surprised.  I’m sure numerous accolades will soon start flowing in.  So revolutionary are my theories.  So innovative and fresh.

However, don’t just take my word for it.  I shall prove it to you.  And will leave you convinced too. 

But, just to ensure that I get things just right, I thought it best that I follow the scientific method as set out in my daughter’s Grade 5 Science text book.  Actually, to be truthful, this scientific method is explained in length and in detail in her Grade 4 text book too.  It was also explained in my eldest son’s Grade 6, 7, 8 and 9 text book.  And hence I’m pretty confident I’ve got it just so.  Furthermore, should I have any doubts, I comfort myself with the fact that I shall be able to cross check exactly how the scientific method works in the following few years, during Grades 10, 11 and 12.  And just to make double, nay triple, sure, I can check all three of my kids books, in numerous subjects (Life Science, Physical Science, Geography, Technology, etc.) simultaneously over the next few years.  The Education Department, never seems to tire of the friggin scientific method, irrespective of the subject being taught.  And subsequently, my grasp thereof, is pretty accurate.  Scientifically speaking of course.

Alas, I digress.  Back to that pesky scientific method and my theory that my children’s brains are surrounded by magnetic fields.

The Scientific Method:
  1. Investigative Question:  Are my children’s brains surrounded by magnetic fields?
  2. Research:  Attempt to get academic knowledge to seep into my children’s brains.  Read up on subject matter to support my theory and hypothesis.
  3. Hypothesis:  Knowledge is unable to penetrate the cerebral cortex, cerebellum, medulla oblongata, frontal lobes, cerebrum, thalamus, temporal lobes, corpos collosum and grey matter wriggly bits of my children’s brains, due to the presence of a strong magnetic field, acting as a negative force shield, repelling information penetration.
  4. Design experiment:  Spend a lengthy period of time with each child and try and get them to remember key vital points of information for the express purpose of recalling this information in an exam and test environment.
  5. Test hypothesis:  Plough hours into the youngest test subject – 9 year old Cole.  Attempt to get the test subject to learn copious amounts of Afrikaans vocabulary words including spelling.  Also focus on parts of speech, the Afrikaans double negative, Tenses and twenty three lists of Afrikaans phonics words.  Repeat the process with his English work.  And go through similar experiences with Maths and Life Skills.  Plough hours into the middle test subject – 11 year old Amber.  Attempt to get her to understand ancient Egypt and the mummification process.  Also explain the friggin scientific method to her in detail, quoting experiments.  In addition, the field of Geography, in particular biodiversity and various eco systems and biomes are to be explained at length.  With specific detail given to all of the provinces in the country, their indigenous fauna and flora, weather patterns and geographic proximity.  Plough hours into the eldest test subject – 15 year old Luke.  Actually, he’s pretty much on his own.  However, when ‘invited’ by the fifteen year old subject to engage in the learning process, focus is given in particular, to the enigmatic field of Accountancy and Economic Management Sciences.  This is to be actively encouraged to enter his brain.
  6. Results:  Abysmal failure.  Despite repeated attempts to get information to adhere to grey matter, there clearly was no adhesion.  Whatsoever.  Across all subjects.  Across all subjects the subjects had to remember.  However, these results may be subjective.
  7. Conclusion:  It is hereby confirmed, through a lengthy, prolonged and protracted period of time, that there is indeed a curiously strong magnetic field, surrounding my children’s brains.  This force field is repulsive.  Preventing proper cohesion between brain and information.   

All variables were kept variable…  The independent x axis was kept independent…  The dependent y axis was studied dependently. 
Can there be any doubt as to the accuracy of my theory?  My hypothesis has been proven true.

Worst of all, I think this condition might be hereditary.

My brain is surrounded by a magnetic force field of gigantic proportions too.

This is scientifically accurate.  I am sure of it.

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  1. Helene, I really enjoyed this one!! Its definitely hereditary - seems you got it from your motherdsd side of the family! I was not born with the "helmet"- I was born with the force field!!

  2. HILARIOUS! I wish you had written this many years earlier so I could provide proof to my teachers about why certain things were the way they were. I've been trying to get my students on to the scientific method as well. They'd much rather talk among themselves. Magnetic Fields Phenomenon? So I let them play which allowed them to play levels using that method. But you know what? I think I might be a little devious and print out your pictures for them. Is that okay?

  3. Hi Angel! So glad you enjoyed this. Good luck with that scientific method. Will definitely have a look at school of dragons. Very happy for you to use the pics. Keep well!