The Facebook-tag-ometer

The Facebook-tag-ometer
4 November 2013

The world of science is filled with many marvelous instruments.  Gadgets and gizmos that measure and calculate. 

They measure speed, density, velocity, wind speed, quantity, and so the list goes on and on.

They tell us more about the very things they measure.  And give us an indicator of how effective these things are.  How intense.  How accurate.

I have however sensed a gap in the scientific world.  A sort of a gap in the market.  How come there is no accurate measure of the speed of teenagers?  Sloth-like though they may be for much of the time.  Is this perhaps because of problems with poor calibration?  Do even the instruments themselves give up on teenagers?  Do they run out of patience, cause teenagers are just so very, very, very s-l-o-o-o-w? 

Nothing much seems to motivate them to action.  To spur them on.  To induce enthusiasm and speed from them.

Oh, well, unless something is to their direct benefit of course.  Why then they can turn positively spritely!  If offered an item which holds enough value to them, they might even be motivated to get a jaunty little spring to their steps.

Yet nothing.  No nothing.  Is a faster mechanism for measuring true unhindered teenage speed like the “Facebook-tag-ometer”.

And here’s how it works.  It’s actually pretty simple in fact.  All you do, is find a less than flattering pic of your teenager.  Now by less than flattering I don’t mean a pic of them in their jocks.  Or chewing with their mouth open.  Nah!  No need to look that hard.  Just a lovely wholesome piccie of them hugging their gran, ought to do the trick.  Maybe even one of them cuddling with a younger sibling on the couch.  A rare sighting of them doing the dishes wearing their PJ’s would also work just fine.

So what you do, is take your pic, load on to Facebook.  And do remember to tag.  Because barring the tagging, it just serves no purpose.  And in order to expediently get a favorable result, do write a wonderful wholesome little tag line along.  Something along the lines of, “Johnny so loves spending time with Granny – they’re just so close”.  Or, “Don’t know how I’d cope without Susan’s selfless and regular offers to the dishes on weekends”.  And let’s not forget, “Johnny and Susan are just such close, loving siblings, enjoying one another’s company.”.

Once you’ve done this, just sit back, relax, and wait.  Your efforts will be rewarded nearly instantly.  For good sportsmanship, I suggest tagging them whilst they’re at school. 

It prolongs the game wonderfully, ensuring maximum efficiency and proper reaching of the target market (fellow moms and that dear beloved granny).  This way, they don’t have access to their phones and thus they’re unaware, how wildfire-like their lovely little photo is spreading over the Internet.  Chances are, the second that school bell rings, you’ll be cell phone pinged, phoned and messaged constantly.  Until the offending photo is removed.

But here’s the thing you see – why put the Facebook-tag-ometer into play, unless you want something in return?  Dig into your cold capitalist little heart and set out a course of desired action from your teenager before you remove the post.  Perhaps they need to up their help around the home.  Visit granny.  Or spend some time with a sibling.  Just a thought.

Alternatively, there’s always foot massages, cars to be washed, etc.

And fear not – if Facebook is not really your thing?  A BlackBerry profile pic is equally effective.  Just saying…

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