Saturday, 16 November 2013

Dear Father Christmas - I think we've got to talk

Dear Father Christmas - I think we've got to talk
15 November 2013

                                                                                                 Santa Claus
                                                                                                 PO Box 25/12
                                                                                                 Arctic Circle
                                                                                                 Close to the North Pole
                                                                                                 SANTA 1

Dear Father Christmas

I think we’ve got to talk.

Now I don’t mean to be picky, and I’m sure you’re a really busy guy, but you’ve got some serious commitment issues Mister. 

The brief is pretty simple.  Even I can understand it.  All you have to do, is pay a personal visit to every single child in the world on the 25th of December. 

I mean seriously?  How hard can it be?

Actually, to be truthful, if they go to bed early enough, you can even start doing your deliveries during the late hours of the 24th.  Because the thing is this – when they open their eyes on the 25th, you better have been already.  Tardiness in this matter is unacceptable.  You can not afford to be late.  And a no-show is imminently worse.

In addition, to simplify your task, the earth was kindly made round.  And so, what this means in practice, is that while some kids are already waking up on Christmas morning, on the 25th of December, other kids are still blissfully sleeping.  Suspended in dream land by your colleague Wee Willie Winky.  This allows you some extra time, to do the rest of your dispatching and deliveries.  Ensuring everyone wakes up on the morning of the 25th, firm in the belief that you visited them too.

I’m pretty convinced that Grandfather and Grandmother Christmas taught you better. 

Talk about being slack!!!

Now I’ve been a mother for fifteen years already, and NOT ONCE HAVE YOU ACTUALLY PITCHED!  Ridiculous, I tell you!

But do I out you to my kids?  No!  Cause that would Crush.  Their .  Fragile.  Little.  Hearts.

And we can’t have that now, can we?  So, I cover for you.

In an attempt to lure you, we’ve left snack and drinks.  Even the odd beer on occasion, just in case you’re a lager or ale man.  And just to show you exactly how very thoughtful I’ve been, I’ve even encouraged my kids to leave carrots for your lazy lout reindeer.  Not that they, or you, have ever bothered to make a turn.

Now let me just tell you, you don’t want a whole bunch of bad press, about this.  And if I wanted to, I could make a real stink.  Is this really the route you want to follow?

Personally I feel that I am protected by the consumer protection act.  And I’ve been led to believe that you will deliver.  On time.  When needed.  With the gift goods.

And why should I not believe this?  I’ve read the books.  I’ve seen all of the Christmas movies.  You even stoop so low as to advertise on TV and print media.  Promising that you will do your thing for Christmas.  For institutions like Checkers!  And Pick ‘n Pay!  And don’t even get me started on those lengthy ones for Game.

False advertising I tell you!  And I know nothing, if I don’t know my rights. 

You’ve created a fake expectation.  One you don’t deliver upon.

How could you!  Cheating on little kids!

Look, perhaps on the odd occasion, you've had another gig.  And that I can get.  Maybe with the whole beard thing, you’ve stood in for one of the guys from ZZ Top.  Possibly even for my stepdad, when he’s had a double function, as his beard is rather impressive too.  I'm sure you're a busy guy.

But a complete no-show?  Fifteen years in a row?

Come off it!

Maybe you’re battling with distribution.  And I can grasp that it must be rather challenging, given ther vast area you have to cover.  Or maybe those supposed-hardworking-little-elves are not all that hard working after all.  Who knows – perhaps the problem is rather logistics and dispatching.

So, here’s my suggestion.  Outsource things.  Think big.  Companies like DHL, FEDEX, UPS, RAM and the likes will more than likely be able to help.  It’s kind of their thing.  They’re courier companies.  It stands to reason.  And if those short little elves, are not pulling their weight, then fire them!  Economic times are tough.  Unemployment is rife.  You’re sure to find replacements pretty easily.  The job market is flush with people just looking to be gainfully employed.  Maybe even hire some taller assistants this time.  I think it might have the added bonus of being an asset and helping with stocktaking in your warehouse.  Never mind that – storing your stock, as they could reach the really high shelves, to pack stuff.  And with regards to logistics and dispatching – you have to think these things through.  Plan in advance.  Make contingency plans.  Have you got a good software programme?  It could really help you to streamline things and make it all run smoothly.  Furthermore, I hope you’re starting present production way in advance.  One can’t leave these little things to chance.  And cut things too fine.  Personally I think that nice though hand made gifts are, there’s nothing amiss with you doing a bit of shopping for your gifts.  Just consult those advertisements you’re always so eager to do.  Why Game offers lovely specials at Christmas.  Checkers, Pick ‘n Pay and even Clicks too.

But basically, here’s the deal – I’m tired of you not pitching and having to single handedly eat and drink the treats we’ve left for you.  And those blasted carrots too.  I’ve even had to go to the mortifying lengths of writing my children letters on your behalf. 

And as for having to buy presents.  Out of my own pockets.  With my hard earned dosh.  And then letting you take the credit for it?

Well, that little ship has sailed.  The buck stop here.  Cheap skate!

Let’s make a deal.  How about I leave you some sherry too.  Possibly some chocolates.  Maybe even a little envelope with some bribery cash to entice you. 

So this year – please step it up a notch, will ya!  And tell those reindeers, they better not poop in my garden. 

Yours kindly,

Helene Cloete
aka - Annoyed Mom
aka - Your stand-in

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1 comment:

  1. The pressure!!! A lot of fun.
    I remember Ouma Helene Fooling you kids when she peeped through the window at Cloetenberg.
    Absolute titters of excitement.