Monday, 16 December 2013

I think my teenager is a vampire


I think my teenager is a vampire
16 December 2013

I’m getting increasingly worried.  I think my teenager is a vampire.

No, wait.  Hear me out.  I’m sure you’ll agree.

Now I do understand, that thanks to the increasing popularity and trendiness-value that movies like the Twilight saga have given to the whole vampire genre, it is possibly very in.  As in hip.  Maybe even a popular and enviable situation to be in.  In fact, I’m sure my teen could rock the whole broody-Edward-from-Twilight-thing.  I even have my suspicions as to who his beautiful-Bella would be.  But still, I’m not overly impressed.  I mean seriously!  Would you be?

Furthermore, I fear for the safety of my husband and my other two kids.  Not to mention myself.

So, what do I base my vampire suspicions on?

Well, for one, there’s the ludicrous hours he keeps.  As if he fears daylight itself.  He roams at night.  Almost as if coming alive only then.  Left to his own devices, he would while away the light of day, in blessed slumber.  Sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping some more. 

And then, like a phoenix from the fire, he rises late.  Though to be truthful, he’s not all the spritely once he rises either.  As if he’s still tired.  Bone weary and worn out.  Almost as if sleeping has sapped his energy dry. 

The full metamorphosis, to near-human, from the vampire-state, takes quite a while.  Though perhaps it is less metamorphosis and transformation.  Calling it transmutation somehow seems more apt?  I find that feeding the beast does help.

Point number two, in support of my vampire theory – mirrors.  He’s not overly fond of them.  Unless he’s on spot patrol.  Then he does tend to peer rather intently.  I’ve “spotted” this to be so.  Though I will have to pay more attention in future, and check if there’s an actual reflection.  The lack thereof would be a true tell-tale sign.

Point number three – garlic.  Now I know that traditionally, vampires are not known for their fondness of garlic.  In fact, their repulsion to it is rather well documented.  My teen vampire, has skipped this aversion.  Though I do believe that this is where the transmutation bit comes into play.  Sort of an evolution of the vampire species if you like.  But here’s the problem with this behaviour modification of his.  I was all a go to make the rest of the family garlic necklaces, to keep us all safe.  To ward off “His Vampire-ness”, when I realised the flaw in my plan.  Instead of repulsion, the opposite might be true. 

Point number four – of all of my kids, my teen is the fairest of all.  And we all know that vampires are particularly light of skin.  Yet another nail in his coffin.  Proverbially speaking of course.

Point number five – his obsession with the game Assassin’s Creed.  Now the link between Assassin’s Creed and vampires might be pretty slim.  But still I feel there is a link.  Mainly there is the symbolism of the main character wearing a long cape, complete with sombre, covered hoodie.  Rather austere.

Point number six – avoidance of sunlight.  Now this is how clever he is.  Sunlight is avoided, due to his skin medication.  Ba-humbug.  Likely story me-thinks.  Pull the other one.

Point number seven – vampire re-requisite number one:  Fangs.  Now Luke had a rather impressive pair.  Though thanks to the marvels of modern orthodontistry, and the very expensive Dr Slabber, the fangs now seem to be under control.

Point number eight – insatiable appetite and intense cravings for certain types of food.  So, the insatiable appetite thing is rather intense.  The term bottomless pit certainly comes to mind.  And as for the cravings?  Jelly sweets in any shape or form.  And chocolates too.  My teen once went off on a two week sports tour.  I do believe he ate a two week supply of sugary snacks and treats, the very first day.  And then proceeded to spend his pocket money for the trip, on supplementing his sugary snacks and sweets supply.

And thus, I am sure you will agree.  There certainly is room for concern. 

My teenager is definitely a vampire.  Which is actually such a pity. 

Cause I’ve been preparing for the zombie apocalypse…

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