The Omitted Olympic Events

The Omitted Olympic Events
15 August 2012

And so the Olympics have drawn to a close.  And what a great spectacle it was.  I am not sporty at all and have unfortunately been blessed with two left feet as well as zero ball skills.  So seeing all these athletes, at the very peak of their excellence, is truly incredible.  The dedication and commitment it takes to reach this level of brilliance is remarkable and a testament to their perseverance.  And I salute them, one and all.

I loved all the excitement and all of the hype.  The fanfare of the opening and closing ceremonies, and the feeling that nations were united in the common good of sport.  Where else would you find countries like North and South Korea,  Israel and Syria, all put their differences aside?  No animosity, just good old fashioned sportsmanship.  Or at least the pretence of it.   And weren’t some of the events or rather their inclusion in the Olympics games interesting?  And by the very same vein, the exclusion of others as well.  But even I have to admit that they missed the mark on a few places. 

I mean, why weren’t the Maasai Mara there?  They would have kicked everyone’s butt in the ‘Vertical-Jumping-In-One-Place-Contest’. 

And as for those lunatics that do the running of the bulls in Pamplona - forget Usain Bolt’s sprinting prowess.  They would’ve left him in the dust. 

Or how about an event where school kids have to jockey for the front of the tuck shop queue.  Now there’s true competitive killer instinct in its finest form.  

If there was an Olympic gold medal to be awarded for drama and acting, forget about the likes of Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson – I can state categorically, that in my mind at least, the “Oscar” of Olympics should go to soccer players.  Is anything more dramatic than the way they fall to the ground, clutching uninjured shins, writhing in pretend agony? 

Ooh, and what about Postmen – running away madly from rabid looking dogs, trying to maintain their dignity whilst not losing their mail? 

And if cars and speed are more your thing, you have never seen anything until you’ve witnessed the mad dashing about that a mother does on an average day.  Getting her various offspring to and from their numerous extra-murals.  There’s always a severe time restriction and added to that great distance between activities, delivering nail-biting finishes in record time. 

Also few things are more brutal than a bunch of housewives doing a tug-of-war over the last ripe avo in the shop.  Forget using a rope – for real authenticity you need fresh produce – nothing like living on the edge and the impending doom of squishing the avo to smithereens in the process. 

And can you imagine the speed that swimmers on a beach would achieve, should a shark warning be issued?  Eat your hearts out Chad Le Clos and Cameron van der Burgh, now we’re talking real aquatic abilities. 

If they included ‘Sibling Bickering’ as an Olympic sport, I’m sure that the Olympic committee would simply be overrun with entrants.  They’d have to do loads and loads of heats, working through a virtual plethora of moody kids. 

And those gymnasts, needn’t think they’ve got the edge on balancing.  No way, Jose.  No drunk, anywhere, any place, any time, anyhow will spill even one drop of his drink.  He might fall flat on his face, break a leg and dislocate a shoulder in the process, but the arm and hand holding the drink will be raised aloft, keeping his drink intact. 

Or how about the frenetic flailing that is such common practice amidst the nepotistic awarding of government tenders – everyone with an eye on the end game and the monetary reward (that naturally has to be equally divided between family members). 

And can you imagine the flying start to a sprinting race if there was a ‘SALE’ sign at the finish line?  In fact they could even make this one a steeple chase, as the ‘athletes’ would probably have no problem climbing and stampeding over the prone bodies of their fallen comrades. 

Oh, and if they had a ‘Teenage-Lip-Giving-And-Cheeky-Contest-Combined-With-Eye-Rolling-Event’, I can name a whole bunch of likely medal contenders.  Why, under my very own roof, I suspect that I have an Olympic Champion in the making.  And in four years’ time, when we ‘jet’ off to Rio so to speak for the next Olympics, I suspect that at aged 14 by then, Amber will be coming up the ranks as well. 

But if there is one area and one area alone, in which I will make my brilliance known and win my very own gold medal, it is in the ‘Enthusiastic-Mother-Screeching-Support-For-Her-Children’ division.  I seriously rock at this.  No need for modesty.  I’m good and I know it.  And to be honest, I’m not all that discerning.   I can whip up the same level of energetic frenzy and noise making whether we’re at a piano recital, a dancing concert, a swimming gala, a rugby match, a hockey match, a cricket match, a netball match, a karate grading, a poetry Eisteddfod or a school play.  And interestingly enough, whilst I’m enthusiastically giving my winning performance of parental support, for some or other reason, my children seem to visibly shrink and pretend that they are in fact invisible and don’t know me at all.  How rude!!!   I mean after all I’ve done for them?  Incubating every single one of them for nine months.  And I didn’t push out twins or triplets.  I never even made them share my womb.  I unselfishly gave each child their requisite 9 months.  In fact, Luke even got an extra four days.  Feeding them.  Clothing them.  Not to mention the unfathomable amount of sleepless nights I’ve had thanks to them!  Have you ever?  And that’s the thanks I get??? 

Perhaps I should start practicing for the Rio Olympics so long.  Speaking of which, Luke is playing a hockey match on Saturday, Cole is playing four hockey matches on Saturday and one on Monday and in a week’s time Amber will be doing her Piano exam.  AWESOME!!!  Note to self – dust the pom-poms and banners off.  Nah!  Who am I kidding, they never get a chance to get dusty.  GO TEAM CLOETE!!!