Tuesday, 28 August 2012

The Blame Game

The Blame Game
28 August 2012

Grant and I have this absolutely AWESOME game that we play.  It’s called “The Blame Game” and it is just sooo much fun. 

This is how it works.  Firstly you have to understand that the game only works if you have kids.  And the more kids you have, the better.  It sort of ups your odds on winning.  The object of the game, is to blame any “deficiencies” or “shortcomings” in your children on your partner, leaving yourself lilywhite by comparison.

So this is kind of our score. 

  • If any of our kids have bad eyesight – it’s definitely my fault.  Happy to admit that one – it is biological and mere genetics after all – I won’t take it personally. 
  • Athleticism is Grant’s fault – I have been stuck with those blasted two left feet and zero ball skills (my mother and father’s fault – thanx guys) – so if the kids are awesome at sport, it’s Grant’s ‘fault’.
  • Lack of athleticism – enough said, or should I rather say “Aye”.  In high school I played Netball for the 7th team, and that was only because they didn’t have an 8th team.  I was always the last to get picked in PT for teams – the dud nobody wanted to get stuck with.  And I really can’t blame them, I seriously suck at sport.
  • Bandy legs – Grant.
  • Knock knees – Moi!
  • Musical ability  – definitely my genes.  Rock on!
  • A love for reading books with pictures – Grant’s favourite literature is Asterix and Obelix – is it any surprise that Luke is comic mad then?
  • Scholastic skills and intellectual brilliance – this one makes me laugh out loud every time.  Grant seems to think that of the two of us, I’m the rocket scientist in the family.  If only he knew.  Ha-Ha-Ha.  I’m as thick as a brick, but that’s my secret.  Please don’t tell him, it will ruin my mystique.
  • Love of 80’s music – this is all Grant’s fault.  I completely blame him for forcing it down all of our throats.  Shame it got stuck on poor Amber-Berry and she is now the biggest Depeche Mode fan.  Quite odd for a 10 year old, I think.  Now the 80’s weren’t all bad – I mean it gave us The Police and U2.  But let’s face it – The Pet Shop boys were like a big brain burp.  Best forgotten.  Okay, okay so Grant doesn’t like the Pet Shop Boys either, but his decade is to blame for their existence.  So in my opinion at least, it definitely makes him complicit.
  • Love of the TV and channel surfing – this is defo Grant’s fault.  Amber is the queen of the remote - when she manages to prise if out of Grant’s hand.
  • Any nerdy tendencies in the kids – I get blamed for this and rightly so.  I mean, could I possibly have been a bigger dork at school???  You have no idea – Library Prefect, Drama Club, Choir, Piano, Honorary colours for music, etc.  Basically if any nerdy activity was being presented, chances were, I was there doing it.  And I had the whole look down pat too, right down to the spectacles I wore.  Still not entirely sure what the initial attraction was for Grant at all.  I’m assuming that after he met me, my “sparkling” personality won him over.
  • Rebellious, naughty, mischievous – this is so my Grantie.  I was a goodie-two-shoes remember.  Far too wimpy to rock the boat.  Rebellious, naughty, mischievous kids take after him.
  • Blissful ignorance relating to Geography – so far, so good.  I think this might have skipped my kids.  My grandchildren will have to blame me for this one day.
  • Reasoning and logic.  I seriously rock at this.  I can remain calm, stay focused, find a solution for a problem and fix it.  Grant on the other hand does a fair bit of flailing – I actually think that he has a flair for the dramatics.  Not being able to find an empty parking spot at the Mall sends him into a tailspin.
  • Quirky – whenever our kids do funny, quirky things – Grant just shakes his head and says “Those are your children for sure”.  And I must be honest – damn proud of it.
  • Premature balding – do I have to go any further?
  • Small feet – yip, that’s me.
  • Olive complexion – Grant can wax lyrical about my skin.  Really odd.  He also has a thing for my shoulders – weirdo.  Apparently they’re nicely rounded and not bony like his – meanie!!!  It could just be his gentle way of saying I’m, shall we say, ‘fleshy’.
  • Dramatic – ironically, contrary to popular belief and despite my membership of the Drama Club at school, this is entirely Grant – please refer to crises of no empty parking spot above.
  • Fascination with cars, Rugby, Formula One, basically any boys stuff – Grant and Cole are like two peas in a pod – twins, a generation apart.
  • Lack of concentration skills – no way am I taking the blame for this one.  Have I mentioned yet that ADD is hereditary?  Grant meets all of the requirements, and I’m investigating the Ritalin route for him.
  • Creativity – that would be me.
  • Puzzles – Grant simply does not have the concentration span to do a puzzle.  It’s just far too passive for him.  Ironically all of the kids like puzzles.
  • Fire making and general practical boy abilities – this is all Grant and he’s taught our boys well.
  • Deep love of animals – I love animals, I really do, but Grant is way more animal batty than me.  At one stage all of us were a bit jealous of the amount of time and affection he gave our pet squirrel.  Amber and Cole also really do the animal thing big time.  If Amber doesn’t get married one day, she’ll be one of those weird animal ladies with a multitude of animals -  cats, dogs, chickens, birds, etc. roaming freely in her home.  Cole cries when he sees any animal cruelty anywhere – such a softy.  If they show a dodgy animal scene on TV, we quickly change the channel.
  • Night owls – personally I think that sleeping is a huge waste of time.  Now, I’m not saying I don’t like it, because I do love sleeping.  And few things are nicer than an afternoon nap.  But one can just get so much more done in a day if you don’t sleep a lot.  And bear in mind, I’m so scared I miss out on something exciting if I go to bed early.  Grant can quite happily go to bed very early, whereas the kids and I just love being busy doing stuff.  Not that the kids have any choice in the matter during the week.  I simply don’t want to see them after 8pm.  I go to the dark side if they’re still under my feet then.  Not a pretty sight.
  • An inherent grasp of technology – I am blissfully unaware of how stuff works and to be honest, ignorance is truly bliss.  So when it comes to understanding technical stuff – Grant is for sure to blame.
  • Adventurous eating and love of burny food – yet again Grant – he’ll try anything at least once.  Cole is also like this.  Absolutely fearless.  A bit of a worrying habit actually.
  • Cheekiness – naturally I don’t know what this is, but I’m sure that little old me would never be guilty of this.
  • Love of dancing – this is sooo me, never mind my two left feet.  And ironically, even though Grant is very athletic, when it comes to dancing he also has two left feet.  So we’re a perfectly mismatched pair.  But despite the fact that I tend to look slightly spastic when I dance, I absolutely love it.  And Amber and Cole both dig dancing big time.  Amber does Modern Dancing as well as Latin and she has loads of her own very unique Amber-type moves too.  Cole on the other hand – Michael Jackson’s death and the resulting TV footage made a huge impression on him.  Pelvic thrusts and groping of his gonads are the order of the day.

But all in all, Grant and I both think that our children are gorgeous, intelligent, talented, quirky, cute, precious, unique, etc. – the whole enchilada.  In fact, we both like to lay claim to all of their good attributes and qualities.  It’s fabulous seeing bits of yourself in your kids – especially when it’s the good bits.  And most times, I simply burst with pride that they’re mine.  But on those “rare” occasions that they do something that I don’t like, they’re definitely the spawn of Grant… 



  1. Helene, you are soooo amazing with your stories! You have me laughing out loud with realism!
    Reading about your family antics always puts a huge grin on my face.
    Thank you so much!!!

  2. The 'blame game' with your parents would be interesting!
    I'm sure you got all your good qualities from me!

  3. OMG Mom...you're a scream!! Having said that, Honey definitely gets all her good 'bits' from me. (ROFL!) I learnt alot about Luke, our precious most beautiful Amber-berry and Coley Moley through this one. So amazing, so interesting, so true!! They can count themselves lucky and maybe one day they'll say to you what I do to Mommy when I wind her up which is 'I forgive you..'. Usually doesn't get a very..err...'nice' response! xxxx