Thursday, 30 August 2012

I won the Lotto - AGAIN!!!

I won the Lotto - AGAIN!!!
30 August 2012

Without a shadow of a doubt, I am by far, the luckiest person that I know.  Why on a daily basis, I win on average at least 3 Lotto’s!

To date I’ve won the Swiss Lotto, American Lotto, UK Lotto (that one was a biggie!), Australian Lotto and Nigerian Lotto (didn’t even know they had one), but to name a few.  I think it takes quite a while to wrap up all the paperwork, because despite winning my first Lotto years and years ago, the money is still not reflecting in my account.  But it’s okay.  I’m kind of patient.  I’ll just carry on checking my account a few times a day.  Any minute now…..

I am a bit disappointed though, that I never got to pose for a photo with one of those monster big fake cheques made out in my name, with all of those zero’s at the end.  Would look way cool, up in my house.  A true keepsake.  Come to think of it though, I don’t even recall buying tickets for these Lotto’s.  Wow, I really must start paying more attention when I’m busy clicking buttons on the computer.  There’s no telling what I can do and one has to be so careful these days.  Apparently there are so many scams out there.  To date, I’m very lucky that I have not fallen prey to one of these.  But then again, I am pretty shrewd and tuned in to stuff like this.  Not so easy to pull a fast one over me. 

But wait, it gets better, my luck does not only run to Lotto winnings.  No sirree, Bob.  Why, random strangers are forever depositing money for me into accounts I didn’t even know that I had.  I mean how AWESOME is that???  Let’s just take a moment to ponder this.  Not only don’t I have a bank account at the HSBC Bank in Hong Kong, but some kind philanthropic do-gooder has shared a huge lump load of cash with me into said bank account.  Incredible, hey?  Now if only I could find those non-existent banking details.  I will not admit defeat.  I will not give up.  I will not surrender.  I will be victorious and claim my money. 

Is it not perhaps possible that I maybe had a sleep-walking type of moment?  And in the middle of the night in my somnolent state, I got on the old telephone and internet, and hooked myself up to the HSBC?  It might even be worth my while to attempt hypnotherapy so that I can try and recall those account numbers and my pins.  It would be sacrilege for that money to just lie there.  In the interim I’m soothing myself with the knowledge of the huge amount of interest I’m surely earning.  Isn’t the banking world just great?

And the gift-giving doesn’t just stop there.  Even giant multi-nationals are getting in on the action.  Pepsi, yip, you heard me, Pepsi wants to give me money.  Quite bizarre, given the fact that I absolutely abhor the flavour of Pepsi.  It tastes like a Coke-wanna-be to me.  Maybe they are hoping to win me over?  And I must say, they have got the right approach.  Spot on!  For the amount of money, they’re offering me, I will definitely promote their brand.  And I’m quite convinced that if I chucked the Pepsi out of the bottle and poured some Coke inside instead, nobody would be able to tell the difference from mere looks alone.

Now one that did rather surprise even me, was the e-mail that I received from the Estate of the late president of Ghana, John Eveans.  When I googled him, I found out that he was a stand-up comedian in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  He obviously used to fit his comedy gigs in when he was over on diplomatic visits.  Very impressive if you ask me.  Why, the schedule this poor man must have kept.  What with his responsibilities as commander in chief of his country during the day, making important phone calls to fellow world leaders, making policy decisions, guiding the country on the road to economic freedom and prosperity.  The commitment that he showed in supplementing his income with his night job is truly remarkable.  It was extremely thoughtful of him to bequeath quite a few million dollars to me.  And truth be told, who even knew that Ghana had so much money?  Their oil fields must be doing splendidly indeed.  In fact watch out Arab world – the next world superpower is going to be Ghana, what with their oil riches and all.

Given my rather less that astute grasp of economics, I must say that the request from the International Monetary Fund to use my bank account was rather peculiar.  But big up to them, for trusting their precious gazillions to me.  They are the International Monetary Fund for goodness sakes.  So who am I to refuse them?  If they say they need my account, it must surely be so.  Far be it from me to question them. 

Even Bill Gates and Microsoft want to give me money.  So chuffed.  And seeing as Bill and I are now on a comfortable e-mail footing with each other, I think I’ll drop him a quick mail, asking him to help me with some of my Windows problems.  It really annoys me when I try and paste a picture into Word and it won’t let me resize the pic or move it around.  Sure he’ll give me a hand.   And not to be outdone by the competition, Apple Mac is also stepping up to the plate, and the amount of i-Phones, i-Pads and i-Pods that Apple are willing to give to me, is enough to supply me with Christmas presents for my family for years.  What a bonus!!! 
Amazingly enough though, some people can be very short sighted and vindictive, not seeing the bigger picture.  I have this dude called, Snowy Smith, who keeps on pestering me with e-mail requests to boycott Barclays Bank.  I absolutely refuse.  I don’t even know what his beef is with Barclays Bank?  Perhaps they made him in stand in queues at the tellers for hours on end.  Or they never gave him enough £10 notes when he wanted to change a £100.  But, jeez dude.  Enough already.  I suppose I’ll just humour him and make him think that I’ll also boycott them.   How would he know that I don’t even have a Barclays Bank account?  Or the South African equivalent – an FNB account either?

Anyway, enough jibber jabber for one day.  Quickly want to check my Bank Account one last time today.  You never know.  Today might just be my lucky day.  Hope springs eternal and all that.  And I must quickly confirm my appointment with Madame Lyubitshka for my hypnosis session tomorrow morning.  Really hope that I find her caravan easily.  Perhaps I should just follow the light?


  1. Incredibly well written Helene! About the Blame Game - good thing you got your dad's brains!

  2. This is brilliant! I received an email a while ago telling me that I had a deceased ancestor and that he had left all his millions of dollars to me! All I had to do was make a small deposit of $5000.00 and they would open a bank account for me and transfer the money into my name! Eazy peazy!

  3. Helene, I am so sorry to hear about your missed windfall! At this point I must warn you that I have surpassed you in the Billion Dollar stakes. I never knew that I had so many rich uncles and aunts, specially in Africa! Just goes to show, the family did not stop trekking at the Jukskei River all those thousands of Moons ago.

    Should you really be short, I have at least one very large Swiss account which came with a set of keys to my own private vault. Misplaced the keys somewhere, but can't be too hard to find with a metal dedector!

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