Friday, 25 April 2014

If women were like men...


If women were like men...
24 April 2014

If women were like men, life would be very, very, very different.

We are truly a different species. 

But if we weren’t, exactly how would life be different?  What unrestricted freedoms would we have?  How would life be altered?  What would we now be allowed to do?

And so, having a great fondness of lists, I decided to compile one myself.

If women were like men:

  • For one, we’d scratch our vajayjay’s in public.  All the time.  With no self-awareness or embarrassment whatsoever.
  • We’d never shave our armpits.  Ever.  We probably wouldn’t care about our fuzz.
  • Compulsory leg shaving would become taboo.  No more awkwardly balancing on one leg in the shower, while doing the dirty deed.
  • We’d most definitely pee in public.  Though having to squat would probably take away a bit of that magic.  And having to wipe too.
  • We’d burp out loud, with a great sense of glee.  Hitting our chests with pride.
  • Farts would be encouraged.  Heralded as great achievements.  Seen as signs of virility.  And hold special significance.
  • We’d welcome chest hair. 
  • The beauty industry would go bankrupt.  Fizzle up and die.
  • The word “selfie” would be discontinued.  The habit of taking selfies, too.
  • We’d fondle TV remotes like they had magical, mystical properties.  And protect them with our life.
  • No one would ever change the loo roll.
  • Loo seats would permanently remain up.
  • Washing baskets would be phased out.
  • Crockery would no longer be produced – paper plates would suffice.
  • The fruit and vegetable industry would crash.
  • The diet industry would come to a dead halt.
  • There would no longer be any romantic comedy, romantic, chick-flick, or drama’s produced in Hollywood.
  • A whole bunch of actors would be surplus to requirements and retired – Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, etc.
  • The movie genre, “musical”, would no longer exist.
  • Meat production would have to be stepped up and escalated. 
  • Houses would no longer be built with bath tubs - showers only.
  • Daily soapies would no longer be broadcasted on TV.  Nor would infomercials, and talk shows.
  • Houses would no longer bear trinkets.
  • No effort would be expended on colour coordination – either for the home, or personal wardrobe.
  • Long pants would only require two variations – one pair of blue jeans, one pair of black jeans.  At a push, a pair of beige chino’s. 
  • Chicken would be reclassified as a vegetable. 
  • Words like, "stunning", "fabulous", "peeps", etc. would fall into disuse.  In addition, excessive use of exclamations in written word, will also come to an end. 
  • The psychology, psychiatry and therapist industries, will cease to exist.  As no one would ever open up enough to discuss their emotions and their issues.
  • Soup would no longer be regarded as a main meal option.
  • Electric blankets and hot water bottles would no longer be used – real men don’t feel the cold.
  • Virility and manliness, would be judged by the size of your technological devices, i.e. cell phones, laptops, PC’s, tablets, TV Screens, amount of buttons on your TV remote, etc.
  • A beer a day, would be seen as a carbohydrate.  A vegetable too.  An essential part of the daily dietary requirements.  In fact a health risk, to not indulge.
  • The music genre, R&B, would be discontinued.  In addition, artists like Kenny G, will be flogged.  His saxophone will be chopped up, and bits will be sent to the corners of the earth, so that it can never be reassembled ever again.  Pan flutes will receive a similar treatment.
  • Sport would become a religion.  We’d all be side line coaches, from the comfort of our couches.
  • All telephone bills would be drastically reduced.
  • The word “small talk” would be referred to as the habit of indulging in brief phone conversations.
  • Nobody would ever comment on the weather, or make “small talk” with other people while standing in queues.
  • There would be pockets of lost people everywhere, cause no one would ask for directions.  Ever.
  • Laundry would be outsourced.  Commercial laundry services would spike, whereas the manufacturing and production of washing machines, tumble driers, and irons, for domestic use would be discontinued.
  • The floral industry would take a terrible down turn.
  • The haberdashery and greeting card industry would close down all together.
  • On the odd off chance that gifts are bought, nobody would ever wrap them.
  • Lap dogs would never be carried around in little baskets.  Instead, a lot of preference would be given to big dogs.  And all animals would be required to walk by themselves.
  • The term “hair-care-regime”, would mean washing your hair.  With shampoo.  Not necessarily conditioner.  Hair dryers would be defunct.
  • Wrinkles would add character.
  • Bellies would be embraced and revered.  Seen as a sign of wealth and opulence.  Indulgence too.
  • Only three pairs of shoes would be needed.  One pair of sneakers/takkies/trainers.  One pair of lace-up shoes, other than sneakers/takkies/trainers.  One pair of slops or sandals.  At a push, you could dish the middle pair.
  • Instinctively, we’d know which way to turn taps open, or turn a screwdriver.
  • The war movie genre would show exponential growth.
  • Sports like fishing, darts, hunting, wrestling, boxing, etc. would expand, whereas sports like synchronised swimming, netball, and ribbon gymnastics would fade away altogether.
  • We’d install our own programmes on our computers.
  • We’d instinctively understand the complexities of the electrical mains.
  • We’d naturally gravitate towards hardware stores.
  • We’d change our own light bulbs.
  • Crafting?  What is crafting?
Yes, the list would indeed be pretty endless.  We’d also be able to tune our own TV’s.  Have our own barbeques.  And so on and so forth.

But how empty a world it would be?  No depth, no colour, no magical, marvellous, womanly mystery.

And thus, though I would most certainly enjoy some of the perks of being a man (like peeing standing up), I most definitely am not prepared to give up my womanly comforts.

Like scatter cushions, pretty ribbons, lengthy phone conversations, leisurely hot baths, a love of salads and fruit, romantic novels, chick flicks…

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