Tuesday, 29 October 2013

I'm considering getting my husband a second wife

I'm considering getting my husband a second wife
29 October 2013

I’m toying with the idea of getting my husband a second wife.

Oh, we’re not having marital problems at all.  And it’s not as if we’re getting the big D.  In fact far from it. 

I actually want to get him another wife, while he’s still married to me.  No, he’s not a Mormon.  Nor do I actively encourage the practice of polygamy.  But I’m flexible, and willing to adapt.

Wives do a heck of a lot.  They’re generally, busy, capable people, able to juggle multiple balls.  They do.  They organise.  They arrange. 

Now just imagine, if there were two of us?  Just imagine how much we would be able to accomplish in any given day?  Though to be honest, I’ll give the second Mrs Cloete, all of the crappy jobs.  The ones that are not much fun.

And so, in essence, I’m thinking about outsourcing some of my wifely duties.  On spreading the load.  On making my life less rushed and hurried.  Of being able to delegate a bit more.

Afrikaans people are quite often known to call their domestic help, “Ousie”.  But given our surname and the fact that the 2nd Mrs Cloete, would be an extension of me, or a reprint second edition, so to speak, I’ll call her “2C”, instead.  Pronounced, as “two-see”.  Sounds marvellous and has a wonderful ring to it already.  Though speaking of rings, best she gets no crazy ideas about getting a big fabulous ring from my man as a part of the deal.  Ain’t gonna happen!  And while we’re at it, conjugal duties will not be a part of her perks.  Those are reserved for me alone.  I’m not really into sharing all that much.  And as such, smooching and hand holding is not allowed either. 

And so perhaps, just to hedge all of my bets, I’ll have to do a thorough check on 2C before employment.  There will clearly be a few boxes that need to be ticked.  She’d need to be ugly – no bones about it.  Being physically repulsive will go a long “weigh” too.  Maybe throw in a bit of body odour while I’m at it, to just ensure that there is no attraction.  And finally, she’d need to be super old.  Just so that I’m hedging all of my bets.

I’d make2C do stuff like the endless carting of kids all around.  The school meetings, the covering of books, the runs to school lost property.  I’d make her sit in the sun at school gala’s and be a time keeper at athletics.  She’d volunteer to be on the Governing Body and help to organise treats for teacher’s birthdays.  She’d make snacks for school events and help with costumes for dancing shows.  She’d definitely to tuck shop duties.  She’d do hair and make-up for umpteen kids at school concerts and help to frame kids art work for exhibitions.  She’d do trips to the municipality, Telkom and the bank.  She’d do the daily shopping and I’d send her on a culinary course for sure.  She’ll delight in daily homework and school projects will be her passion.  She’d be an administrative whizz and run the whole home like a pro.

Though, I suppose I better exercise a wee bit of caution, lest she becomes more valuable to the family than me.  I would hate to be replaced in the end.  They might just prefer her services to mine?

And perhaps given all of the above, I’m making a critical error.  Rather than getting my husband a second wife, maybe I should rather be investing in getting myself one of my very own?  I’d make her go to the gym, yet make her efforts show up on my body.  She’d pack school lunches for sure.  She’d cook without a doubt.  Homework would be her joy.  Practicing orals with kids her favourite.  She’s do all the tedious, mundane and boring bits of life.

Taking loads off my shoulders.  And easing my life instead.

Freeing up valuable free time, for me to spend with my man.  Romantic dinners and walks on the beach.

I think it’s a master plan!

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Oh yes I do! I do! And, I do!

Maybe four is a lovely number? I'm the really skinny one, to the right of the groom. His right, not yours.

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