Snow White and the three little bears

Snow White and the three little bears
20 February 2013

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there lived a fair maiden.  The most beautiful girl in all of the land.  She was pure of heart and spirit too.  And her Dad was rich – which didn’t hurt at all when it came to her popularity.

If anything, it made her a bit big headed, if you know what I mean.  But still she was plenty nice enough.

She lived in the biggest and best castle, high up on the hill.  Everything of the best – just for her. 

So one day, Snow White donned her red hoodie (some might even have called it a cape) and went for a walk in the forest.  Her dear old grandmamma was feeling rather poorly, and she thought she’d pay the old dear a visit.  She loaded her backpack with wholesome good eats, a few Red Bull energy drinks and set off on her way.

But the forest road was rather winding and long, and she got travel weary and a bit bored.  And thus, she started to wander off a little bit.  Truth be told, she followed a trail of breadcrumbs and thought she’d look where it would lead her.  She’d heard the tall tales of a little boy and a little girl, who were trapped by a witch.  A witch who was feeding them fat for the pot.  A witch she thought!  What manner of fancy is that!

But before long, while still on her Hansel and Gretel quest, she met seven of the oddest little fellows she’d ever seen.  They were rather short, and kept on singing annoying little songs, about being off to work and some such.  They all had axes and pitchforks slung over their shoulders.  She gave them a queer look and then made the obvious assumption.  They were surely protest workers, about to embark on industrial action.  And perhaps their song of work, was a freedom one?  Or maybe they were actually seeking employment?  Or bemoaning a cruel boss and unfair working conditions?  One in particular seemed pretty grumpy and another one kept on nodding off.

Well, odd little men aside, she decided to beat a hasty retreat.  No ways was she going to take the risk of being spotted with trouble makers.  A labour relations dispute was never nice.  Trouble was likely to follow.  The cops or forest security would surely make a turn and just imagine if she landed up in jail?

Daddy-dearest would have a right fit!  And as for her wicked stepmother, who constantly tried to feed her bad apples!  She seemed to spend absolute ages talking to her mirror, asking it questions all day long.  And peculiar enough, the mirror seemed to answer!  Well, if an arrest was to follow, stepmother was sure to have rather a lot to say too.

But by this stage, Snow White was really getting quite tired.  And her glass slippers were absolutely killing her toes.  So she took them off, flung them in her backpack, had one of Granny’s Red Bull’s (sorry Oumie) and headed off once more.

The next thing she knew, she was caught in the most terrible cross winds.  No, they weren’t angry – they were just all over the show.  Helter-skelter, from north, south, east and west.  Her pretty little locks and her beautiful frock – blowing everywhere.  And what with all the wind, she could barely see where she was going.  Which kind of explains why she tripped over this huge big log.

Some careless woodcutter, was just hacking off trees.  Willy-nilly and randomly too!  Not a care in the world.  Well, she sure gave him a telling off for being so irresponsible.  She was a damsel in distress and could have been badly hurt!

But this woodcutter (boy he was a piece of work) – he claimed innocence.  He said he did no wrong.  The logs and the rubble were not caused by him he said.  Had she not noticed the cross winds?  Well, he claimed they were caused by this wolf who apparently had some beef with these three little pigs.  Now that just made no sense at all.  Why would he have beef with them?  I thought they were pork?  Supposedly he was all huffing and puffing and throwing his weight around.  It sounded a bit like a housing dispute.

By this stage Snow White was just sooo over it.  She decided to catch herself a ride.  She hitched her frock up, showed a wee bit of leg.  Which apparently wasn’t even necessary at all.  Because a pumpkin carriage pulled up in no time at all.  The three blind mice pulling it had their work cut out for sure.

The only other occupant in the carriage was this humongously fat dude.  Starkers he was!  Not a single stitch of clothing in sight.  He was some or other emperor, who was gushing, oohing and aahing about his beautiful new suit.  Well Snow White really put her foot in that one she did.  What suit she begged off him?  He screeched at her in disgust for not admiring it.  Made of invisible thread he exclaimed.  He clearly was potentially a creep.

And without further ado, she got out at the next stop.  Which actually turned out to be an okay move.  Because before long, another ride came her way.  And would you believe it, he was rather hefty too.  Quite an elderly gentleman, all decked in red.  He had the oddest laugh though.  All “ho-ho-ho” instead of “ha-ha-ha”.  Anyway they made a bit of small talk along their brief journey, but he made like a million pit stops.  Perhaps poor bladder control, because he appeared to stop at every single home and take a slide down each chimney.  Can only be bathroom stops.  No other explanation for it.

Close to Granny’s place, Snow White, ditched her ride.  And there in the distance, she spotted grandmamma’s humble little cottage.  She skipped, danced and pranced the rest of the way.  But when she got there, big was her disgust.  Granny’s place was a tip!  Three bowls of porridge – she must have had other guests.  Not that any of them had finished their food.  How rude!  Chairs knocked over.  One even broken. 

In the lounge, a mouse was running up the clock.  In the kitchen, the dish was running away with the spoon (can’t blame them).  Clearly chaos everywhere.

Quietly, quietly she tiptoed up the stairs.  Feeling a bit nervous, she cautiously knocked on granny’s door.  Not a peep.  Thumping heart.  Sweaty palms.  “Granny, are you okay?”.  She pushed open the door, ever so quietly and peered deep inside.

And lying there all peacefully and perfectly content was Granny.  Reading a story ever so softly to Daddy Bear, Mommy Bear and Baby Bear.  And Hansel and Gretel too.

Good night!