Sunday, 17 February 2013

I really miss this little boy

I really miss this little boy
17 February 2013

I really miss this little boy.  He was just so very, very sweet.  He absolutely loved me and utterly adored me too.

He loved spending time with me and snuggling really close.  He was possessive and protective over me and told me how much he loved me all of the time.  He thought I was beautiful and funny.  The best chef in the world.  He laughed at my jokes.  Thought I could solve any problem.  Naturally I was terribly wise and knew everything too.

Every night when I put him to bed, he asked me to lie with him a bit so that we could cuddle and talk.  He just loved having me around.  The biggest of treats would be when Daddy was away for a night and he could sleep in my bed all night long.  I used to call him the human scarf, because he would somehow do an octopus impersonation and wrap his arms and legs right around me, the whole night through.  Breathing was a struggle for most of the night.

And then all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, the moment was gone.  I suppose it happened gradually.  And there lies the problem.  The loosening of individual strings ever so subtle one doesn't even notice it, so deceptive it is.  The one minute, he doesn't seem to mind so much if Daddy gives me a kiss anymore.  The next he's slightly embarrassed to hold my hand in public.  Then he doesn't want me to kiss him goodbye when I drop him off at school.

And before you know it, he says things like "Are you really going to wear that?" or, "you're, not funny, you know".  I am a permanent embarrassment.  Too mortifying to be seen with.

I miss the closeness.  The bond.  The conversation.  The sharing.  The company.  The special-ness.

A few years ago, the kids and I would go and visit my Mom or go to Kleinbaai with the family and Grant would stay at home because of work.  The kids would draw up a roster or take turns in sleeping with me at night.  Those days are over.  Luke would rather die.  Thank heavens for Amber and Cole, who still fight for the honour.

My heart aches for the sweet little boy that was and how it has changed.  I know this is normal.  It would be odd and disturbing if he didn't feel this way.  Intellectually, I can accept it.  But at times my head and my heart are not very synchronised and seem disconnected.

I look at old photos and see that unreserved smile.  When he was just so openly happy.  An unguarded look in his eye.  When he didn't have to look cool.  When nothing was "lame".  When he was eager and enthusiastic.  And helpful too.

Growing up is hard to do.  But not just for little boys.  For their mothers too.

I am enjoying Cole so very, very much.  Amber too.  I understand, comprehend and can fathom how fleeting time is.  How one should slow down and smell the roses.  Enjoy every moment.

Don't get me wrong.  I adore my teenage boy too.  He's just more of a challenge and an enigma at times.  Less of an open book.  More of a locked safe, yet occasionally I get glimpses of the little boy still lurking inside.  We will never regain that former closeness from when he was still such a sweet little boy.  Such is the joy of growing up and maturing I suppose.

I really miss that little boy.  And the irony is, that he's just down the passage.  Hiding in a big, floppy, gangly body.

Oh but to turn back time...

He turned fifteen years old yesterday.


Finally fifteen - where did the time go?
Insisting on a birthday pic with him


  1. Ja, it is hard!
    One's gals too.
    And because you are soooo awesome, he will be back.

  2. Every now and again I dream my kids are small again and I get to cuddle those little bodies! The best!!

  3. Aaaaah how sweet are those photo's of Luke! You are just the most admirable, amazing Mom, Foef. Your kids all DO know that:) It's not always easy...but we've defenitely seen with our Cory boy, you will get him back. Sooner than you think! Even Cory can now laugh about a few of the silly things he did and wore:) I also look at photo's of Honey when she was small and's all just going too quickly!! So scared I miss out. xxxxx

  4. I dread the day:( Cant believe Hunter is almost 6 months already!