May I introduce my new husband

May I introduce my new husband
16 January 2013

My Grantie doesn’t really like it when I blog too much about him.  Personally I think I’m always complimentary and kind in what I say about him, because I do happen to love the guy after all.  But I suppose he doesn’t like being fodder for my writing material, because I do obviously write about him too.  It stands to reason.  He’s a huge part of my life – I see him every day.  We even share a room for heaven’s sakes.  Not that he reads the blogs mind you, so he’s actually none the wiser about what I actually do write.

So I’ve made him a winning suggestion.  I’ll create myself a new husband and will write him into my blog life story so to speak.  I might ease Grantie out gently, or perhaps I’ll off him rather violently and suddenly.  Still toying with my options.  Personally I think the whole new husband thing is a marvellous idea.  He will be a purely fictional character and hence I can give him any attributes, physical characteristics, personality traits or habits I choose.  He will be based on no one living person, but rather on a host of them.  And to be honest, I’m quite excited about this prospect and can see a lot of potential.

He will look like Brad Pitt.  Though perhaps a bit taller.  The rugged looking Brad Pitt, not the pretty boy younger version.  I will dispense with Angie immediately (perhaps rather violently and suddenly – in fact, Angie and Grant might meet the same horrible fate).  He will have the voice of Sean Connery and I suspect that I will melt in a puddle every time he opens his mouth and speaks in his delightful Scottish accent.  He will have the goofiness and self-deprecating humour of Hugh Grant.  The athleticism and dance moves as well as washboard flat stomach of Channing Tatum.  I’ve always had a very soft spot for Sting, so he will definitely have to have a bit of a brooding artistic and musical thing going for him too.  He will be a philanthropist and really care for our earth – an ambassador for mother nature and her people if you like.  Kind of like Bono without the weird shades all of the time.  My new virtual husband will be a true romantic and will find joy in spoiling me and treating me like his princess.  He will be patient and kind.  He’ll laugh at my jokes and love my story telling abilities.  Predictably he will be a whiz in the kitchen and will have the culinary skills of Gordon Ramsay without the horrid temper and pottie mouth.  Or perhaps Jamie Oliver without the lisp.  He will be a bit of an outdoorsy type and while out in the wild, he will look just like Jeff Probst from Survivor.  He will have the parental skills of Dr Phil and together we will raise fantastic, well rounded, well adjusted, awesome kids.  Naturally he will be marvelously wealthy and will excel in business – very much like Richard Branson.  Creating a virtual empire that we could bequeath to our kids.  The wisdom and patience of our beloved Madiba will be similar to his.  He will have the flamboyance of Pierce Brosnan when he acted as James Bond.  The cooky wackiness of Jack Nicholson – a mere look at his eyebrows normally induces laughter from me.   The wit of Jeremy Clarkson because everyone likes a good laugh.  And the intrigue and mystery of The Stig.

My new virtual husband (let’s call him Chad) will not snore.  He will never, and I mean never give in to a bout of flatulence.  NEVER!  He won’t hog the shower and will hang up his wet towel where it belongs.  He will instantly know when to get me Zinger Wings without me ever having to even suggest it to him.  He will have a deep weakness for chick flicks and will love nothing more than snuggling on the couch with me, eating popcorn and watching Romantic Comedies together.  When I’ve had a tough day, he’ll run me a nice warm bubble bath.  He will lavish me with Ferrero Rocher chocolates and always marvel at how small my bum looks in every single outfit I choose to wear.  He will regularly smother me with bouquets of fresh flowers.  He will selflessly hand me the TV remote control at every opportunity.  He will whisk me away on romantic weekends for two to exotic locations.  Naturally he would prefer me to not work as he delights and takes pride in providing for me.  He will feel happiest if I spend my days socializing with my friends whilst he is working.  He will set it as his personal mission and goal in life to ensure that I am able to tick every single wish item off my bucket list.  I’ll even add a few more ideas of awesome things to do.  He will never stop wooing me.  He will be complimentary about me all of the time.  He will find me charming and cute and gorgeously beautiful.  He will support me in all that I do.  He will slay dragons for me and give me the biggest slice of the cake.

All in all a he will be a perfectly perfect husband in every single way.  So should you feel that you might meet all of the above mentioned requirements, do send your application to ghcloete@iafrica.com.  All successful applicants will be notified by post.  A further screening process will be required – sort of a second interview if you like.  Please note that the judge’s decision is final, however bribery and flattery will definitely count in your favour.  Please include recent photo’s (both full length and facial close-up) as well as a bank guaranteed list of assets and statements with your application.  Testimonials from employers, best friends, family and ex-girlfriends must also accompany your application.  This will all aid in the fair selection of the correct candidate for the position.  Failure to meet these requirements will result in instant disqualification.

In the interim, while the selection process is still underway, I will enjoy the company of my Grantie so long.  In fact, I might hang on to him for a while.  He’s so well trained already.  He knows exactly how I like my coffee.  He always smells yummy and he is the best person to spoon with at night.

He'll be outdoorsy like Jeff Probst

He'll be able to cook like Gordon Ramsay

An awesome businessman and entrepreneur like Richard Branson

The voice of Sean Connery

The wacky kookiness of Jack Nicholson

All round do-gooder like Bono

Channing Tatum's sixpack

Jamie's pukka cooking

Jeremy's wit

Sting's broodiness and musical ability

Hugh Grant's self-deprecating sense of humour

The Stig's mystique

Madiba's patience and wisdom

Awesome parent like Dr Phil

Flamboyance of old Piercie

Need I really say more?