Friday, 7 February 2014

The butt-crack boogie!


The butt-crack boogie!
7 February 2014

I fear I might be old.  As in ancient.  As in I lost the fashion plot.

Now I am quite comfortable in my knowledge that I’m not hip and trendy, from a clothing and fashion point of view.  And I’m really okay with it.  In addition, I’m also pretty comfortable with my knowledge that I’m not particularly fashion wise or savvy.  Actually, I’m rather knowledgeable that I’m not knowledgeable at all.

And I don’t like to judge other people for the way they look or dress.  Each to their own, and all that.

However, the low-slung-pants-below-the-crotch-and-bum, leaves me terribly puzzled.  What does it mean?  And more importantly, how do they bear it?

Hipster style pants I get.  In fact, I wear them.  I really can’t bear the thought of those high-waisted pants either.  The type that chafe you under your armpits.  Personally, I find them unflattering, style wise and they do nothing for my figure.  Though, if it floats your boat, knock yourself out.

But for the love of all that is holy, will someone please explain the low-slung-pants-below-the-crotch-and-bum phenomenon, that we see so often?  Please, I beg you.  Make me understand.

And if you can’t make me understand, can we please agree on one thing?  It’s nasty.  It’s ugly.  It looks terribly uncomfortable. 

911 – Call the fashion police.

With my line of work, I happen to see lots of people bending over.  Hey, it might sound creepy and strange, but it’s true.  The only way to successfully load a Jumping Castle, is for me and the prospective client, to drop down, crouch and lift.  Which obviously means that it stands to reason, that I see way more than my allotted amount of crack.

And I would hereby like to confirm - I have done a rather distasteful study.  Unfortunately for me, I get to see way more crack than any living person should, courtesy of the low-slung-pants-below-the-crotch-and-bum phenomenon, and the bending nature of my job.

The low slung pants, does nothing for you, dude.  It’s not sexy.  It’s not enticing. 
A bit off the hip is okay.  Can even look a little bit bad-ass.  But occasionally, a line gets crossed.  When the pants hang so low, the person wearing them, has to walk spread eagled, to prevent them from slipping off altogether.  You’ve clearly gone too far.  You look like a chop.  A right eejit!

I’m pretty scarred. 

Look, it’s one thing if you’re at least wearing a fairly decent pair of jocks peeping out of your pants.  But the skanky numbers I get to see, would scar you too.

The tartan look died.  Decades ago.  Dirty grey, that was once white, is dead and buried too.  The frayed and no longer elasticized elastic band, pretty grim as well.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the handy little hook, that’s a part of your anatomy, I fear most owners of this style of attire would find themselves with their pants around their ankles.  So here’s the rule – if your member is the only step between you and total naked humiliation, chances are you’ve taken it too far.

I soothe myself with the sure knowledge, that just like we lived long enough to regret the fashion invention of shoulder pads, bubble skirts and blanket jackets, they too will regret this.

Just hope I’m around long enough to gloat.

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Nice tartan dude!

You look like eejits - I have to say


Skanky jocks - nice! NOT!

Really, what is the point. One can't help but see the humour in this. The belt's my best. It must absolutely kill this guy's folks, to see him leave the house looking like this.

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