Thursday, 20 February 2014

I feel too much


I feel too much
20 February 2014

I sometimes think I feel too much.  My heart is small and it gets bruised fairly easily.  Personally, I’m quite tough though.  At least that’s what I’d like to think, and con myself into believing.  But I feel the pain of others so easily and it makes my heart ache for them.  My veins are filled with empathy, understanding and compassion.  I hurt for others.

At times, I wish I could turn this ability off.  Give my heart a reprieve.  A breather from feeling.  But it’s a stubborn and determined little organ.  And it simply won’t let go.

A few months ago, a family in our community, lost their beautiful boy tragically.  In a very unexpected and freak-accident kind of way.  Something that could never have been anticipated.  And it cut me deep.

For weeks and weeks afterwards, it would just keep on spinning and spinning through my mind.  Bothering me.  Haunting me. 

He was just fourteen.  His whole life was still ahead of him.  Such a talented boy.  One that was going to make waves in this world – he already was doing just that.  A natural leader.  A well liked, well respected person, even though he was so young.

And then, just like that, his precious life was cut short.

I didn’t even know him.  I just knew who he was.  Knew him by sight.  Had met his dad many, many years ago.  He’s the very best friend, of my very best school friend’s brother.  The father, an amazing and talented man too.  In the spotlight in our country for his own talents.  And there was his delightfully bright boy, following in his footsteps.

He was the Head Boy at my children’s Primary School.  A very bright star.  Had just recently moved on to the High School, where my eldest son is.  Luke’s in the same class as his cousin.  The boy’s sister, in my daughter, Amber’s class.  And a few short weeks before his death, on a holiday trip with my mom, they were camping right across the bungalow my kids were staying in.  Swimming daily, in the same heated Warmbaths.  Who would ever have thought.

And though many months have passed, since that awful day in August, the memory still lingers.  Of how one’s whole life can change, in the blink of an eye.  One adventurous misstep, by an exploring child, can end in tragedy.  Just like that. 

No rhyme.  No reason.  No advance warning.  No nothing.

They woke up that morning, and all was right with their world.  But by lunchtime, their lives had changed forever.  Never to be the same again.  Forever more to feel loss.  
They will never wake up unburdened again.  They will never wake up forgetting what happened.  They will never wake up not missing him.  They will never wake up not longing for him.  They will never wake up, not wishing they could go back in time.  They will never wake up free again.

How can one fathom it?  How can it be?

I still think of them often.  When I see the family.  Perhaps I drive past them.  I see their daughter.  Amber speaks of the sister, her friend.  When I see my friend, and she tells me of their heartache and pain.

Please ease their pain.  Make the good memories remain.

And may my precious children, be safe and protected.  Always.

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  1. Aagghhhh, in tears! Beautifully written, Helene! Hold on to your empathic heart, there are not enough people in the world who feel at the level you do. You make the world better just by being in it. Don't ever try to change.

  2. How tragic, Helene!
    Yes, hold on to your emphatic heart = part of who you are.
    One's heart just bleeds.