Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Boney M - It has begun

Boney M - It has begun
14 November 2012

This morning I heard the first “stirring” rendition of this Christmas season’s offering of Boney M “gems”.  Aaargh!!!  However will I survive the entire festive season if this is just the start?

Boney M should be round up and shot.  Now, I’m not propagating violence – in fact far from it.  This would merely be a mercy killing if you like, and I kindly offer my services.  Alternatively, perhaps we could do a job on some knee caps or even better – vocal chords.  However, I have come to the realisation that, revolting though Boney M are, the Boney M wannabees are even worse.  Because what can possibly be worse than Boney M singing “By the rivers of Babylon”?  Well, that’s a no-brainer.  Some other sad sappy band attempting to do “By the rivers of Babylon”, is somehow way worse.  Does that mean that I subconsciously yearn for them when someone else is infringing copyright laws be doing a bad rendition of one of their “masterpieces”?  Please note that I use the term “masterpieces” rather loosely, with intended sarcasm.

Surely not!  Perish the thought.  Yet, despite my very best intentions, they do tend to seep in under my skin.  Perhaps a form of musical osmosis.  Because before long, I find myself either humming or singing “Mary’s boy child, Jesus Christ”.  It is subversive I tell you and happens quite by accident.  I swear it does.  I mean, jeez, it’s not as if I’d intentionally be singing one of their songs.  Scout’s honour!

And I can state with absolute surety, conviction and 100% truthful honesty that I don’t have ANY Boney M music in my home.  No CD, no DVD.  Hell, not even an old record or a tape.  But despite this fortifying on the home front, my defences have been breached.  I know all the words.  Every single last humiliating one.  Mortifying to admit.  But please, don’t judge me too harshly.  Chances are you know them too.

I suspect that South African chain stores, the likes of Checkers, Pick ‘n Pay, Shoprite and Game, are their biggest source of royalty income.  Just think about this.  If they only get a very, very conservative amount of perhaps 20c per airplay if you wish, they’re still doing plenty well me-thinks.  And to bridge the gap where our chain stores and Malls fall flat, there is not cause for worry.  Because the mantel is then picked up by radio stations like KFM, Goodhope FM, and possibly even Bok Radio too.  Last year, my favourite DJ in the world, Gareth Cliff from 5fm, had a special plan in place to help fellow Boney M sufferers cope.  He had a Boney M acclimatisation programme, enabling us to systematically introduce the horrors of Boney M to our sensitive ears over a period of a few weeks.  Thereby avoiding the harshness of hearing it full length and full volume for the first time – similar to my awful experience this morning.  If only he once again ran his acclimatisation programme this year.

I love Christmas time in general.  And Christmas carols and Christmassy type of songs are awesome.  Especially the oldies, like “Santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight”.  Such a cool song and I seriously dig it.  Now if only we could infiltrate the airwaves of radio stations and shopping Malls with more of these.  But sadly, I fear this is probably not to be. 

So, in the interim, I’ll be suffering through Boney M for the foreseeable future.  Horror of horrors.  And here’s the thing.  I don’t always escape it when I get home either.  Because although I categorically state with clear conviction that I have no Boney M in my home, Grant has some in his home.  On his computer – you know, the computer he shares with me.  In the home he shares with me.  Playing it over the speakers that belong partly to me.  I think he does this purely to see my facial expression and to annoy me.  And truth be told, if yanking my chain is his intent, which I know it is – he succeeds.  In glorious fashion.  Which just makes it all that more rewarding for him.  And enticing too.

But, revenge is sweet.  Victory will be mine.  Because while he can merely play me their songs, I can sing it to him – in his ears.  He doesn’t care much for my singing, which somehow inspires me even more.  Ha!  Take that!

“Feliz Navidad!  Feliz Navidad!  I wanna wish you a merry Christmas, from the bottom of my he-e-e-a-a-art!”

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