Jeremy Clarkson - Some say.....

Jeremy Clarkson - Some say.....
20 September 2012

I am quite happy to admit that I know absolutely NOTHING about cars.  Hardly a crippling shortcoming – I am a girl after all and we’re by nature not required to worry our pretty little heads about things like that.  I do know how to drive them though, which is all that’s really important in my eyes.  And they serve a purpose in my life in so far as that they get me from point A to point B.  And apart from knowing how to steer them and where the expensive in-hole for petrol is, I don’t really feel a need for more knowledge.

What is surprising then, given my limited understanding of all things vehicular, is my love of the car show, Top Gear.  I simply love all three of the buffoons on the show.  I’d love to meet them and chat to them, even though I have absolutely nothing in common with them.  I think that Jeremy Clarkson’s wit, or even half of it, would keep me entertained for hours.  I love how predictable all three of them are.  How true to themselves.  They are completely typecast, but they milk it and I think, actually enjoy it.  I love the “mystery” surrounding The Stig.  Their insane and bizarre challenges where Jeremy always cheats so that he can win.  The way they always blow stuff up and diss each other and caravans – a pet hate of theirs.  Jeremy’s witty and sharp comments.  Captain Slow being so ridiculously, well slow and pedantic.  The Hamster always waxing lyrical about Porche’s – quite possibly because they’re small like him.

Now I’ve been to many a braai in my time.  The men always stand around the fire chatting.  And shame, they’re such one-dimensional characters – they tend to chat about two things and two things only – sport and cars.  Women are way more interesting.  We hover in the kitchen, under the pretext of making salads, but what we’re actually doing is so much more interesting than that.  We talk, and chat and talk some more.  Interesting and diverse topics.  We discuss our kids, our husbands, our busy lives, our families, an awesome meal we had in the week, a fabulous programme we saw on TV, chocolate, an article we read, a bit of celebrity gossip, our sex lives, something that’s worrying us, a story we heard somewhere, the joy of a good cup of coffee, the cost of living, a place we want to visit, etc. etc. etc.  We talk about real stuff.  And somehow in my 39 years on earth, I have never had a deep and meaningful conversation with another woman about cars.  In fact, I’ve never had any conversation with another woman about cars.  Is that odd or not?  Maybe there is only so much one can say about cars – and the menfolk seem to be doing it.

So I have given it a little bit of thought.  Is my Grantie not in the car industry?  Do I not drive a car every single day of my life?  Have I not spent many, many, many hours listening to my Grantie talking to me about cars?  Have I not overheard numerous boy conversations at social gatherings, where the topic of cars have been discussed?  Do I not spend most Sunday’s in Grand Prix seasons, stuck on the couch with my man, glued to the TV, watching blurring cars zooting past very fast, while Grant is screeching encouragement?  Do I not have a ridiculous accidental knowledge of Formula One?  Did I not go and watch the Shanghai Grand Prix in 2007?  Is my youngest son’s bedroom not plastered with car posters (they’re actually Grant’s, but I’ve simply had to put my foot down and tell him I do not want them in my bedroom – have you ever)?  Do my boys not have an awesome knowledge of cars.  Do I not spend many hours watching Top Gear?  Now, I could go on and on and on.  And basically, truth be told, most importantly of all – don’t cars put food on the table every day, thanx to Grant’s job (not counting my contribution to the family pot of course)?

So perhaps it’s time for me to show a bit of due respect.  What possible positive influence can I have on the car industry…….I know!!!  I can do a Top Gear style car critic type thingy!!!  Woohooo!!!  I would seriously rock at this!  And I am sure that I can make a meaningful and valuable contribution with my input – especially as my perspective would be that of a woman and a mom.  So here goes – please note that the below comments are all to be said in a Jeremy Clarkson type of voice and with his speech mannerisms and patterns.  You know the way he stretches out his vowels sometimes, and puts and accent on certain words and phrases…….

·         The handling on this car, is so floppy, it is similar to my flabby bottom

·         The over-steer, is reminiscent of some of my daughter’s jerky Latin dance moves

·         The lack of a hook from the roof of the car for my handbag is a huge disappointment, as I otherwise love this pink car

·         The steering is as responsive as my teenage son, when I request him to do his homework

·         The ample boot space makes this car a really attractive buy for moms with sporty kids, sadly three bicycles could not fit in

·         The lack of a desk in this car, on which kids can do homework, whilst waiting for their siblings at their extra murals is disappointing

·         My 10 year old daughter, could do a better job of the interior design – why is there no bling?

·         The inclusion of a changing room (with the obligatory fringed curtains of course), so that kids can get dressed in the car, on their way to extra-murals would be a lovely addition to this car

·         Self-cleaning seats, so that kids can eat in the car at random, should be mandatory

·         All cars, should come with a car-charger for a mobile coffee plunger

·         The fold down sun visor, should have a little built-in compartment for eyeliner (and lipstick, if that’s your thing)

See, how cool is that?  And what awesome improvements, some of my suggestions would be.  I’ve merely scratched the surface so far.  Maybe, I’m not seeing the bigger picture here.  There is clearly a need for my guidance, and I shall start doing a bit of consultancy to car manufacturers.  I could push up car sales, like a gazillion fold.  And then, at the next braai I go to, I’ll have to ditch the chicks in the kitchen for a bit, and show those braaiing boys a thing or two about cars.  Shame, it could send them into a downward spiral though, if I encroach on their territory.  Then they’ll only be able to talk about sport.  Perhaps the best course of action would be if I camouflage myself and wear my Stig suit.  They’ll never even suspect that I’m him at all. 

So the secret is out - how else would I know all this cool stuff about cars…..

 Me - looking pensive

I'm so popular, they've even made toys in my image 

Me in a playful mood - looking ever so suave

 

 

Me and the guys from work - I have to keep an eye on them all of the time, because they're actually blithering idiots - no clue how to handle a car and all that