Sunday, 9 December 2012

Don't have sex in March

Don't have sex in March
9 December 2012

Take it from me.  I can speak from personal experience, and with authority too - don't have sex in March.  No, don’t laugh.  I’m one hundred percent serious here.  Sex in March is a very bad idea.  The result could be near fatal I tell you.

Oh, you ask, why in March?  Well it’s quite simple actually.  If you have sex in March, you run the risk of having a child in December.  Rotten timing for sure.  Birthdays in December are particularly cruel.  Both for parent and child alike.  Kids often get duped with the old “let’s-make-it-one-big-present” idea.  Personally I think that’s a shocker, so be that as it may, Amber has never been subjected to this.  Because yes, I fell into my very own trap.  I succumbed to Grant’s charms in March.  How stupid!

For parents the timing is awful too, because the cost of a birthday so close to Christmas is terrible.  While most people focus on Christmas, you’re busy planning a kids party and splurging on a present for one child only.  All whilst remembering to not take away the joy of Christmas for the rest of the family.  A hard task indeed.  Added to that, at the end of the year nerves as frayed, life is hectic, friends are away on holiday, functions too many and pockets are empty.  A killer combo.

But that is not all.  Apart from the birthday dilemma, there are other challenges too.  Many perils await.  For one thing, if you live in sunny South Africa, then December birthdays are simply the worst for schooling.  Friends tend to be up to 11 months older and way more advanced.  Yet, if you keep your child behind, they end up having to do sport with kids in a different grade and not their classmates either.  Not a perfect ideal.  So for us, we decided to keep Amber a year behind and had her do an extra pre-school year.  Emotionally she was just not ready yet for big school.  Academically and emotionally our decision was rather wise, however the sporting impact was not so great.  Team sports with kids in a grade ahead of you is never fun.  The ball doesn’t get passed and you’re always the last to get picked for the team.

Another downfall is pregnancy in the heat.  Summer heat whilst you’re busy incubating a baby is somehow hugely elevated and particularly horrible.  I mean just think about – imagine having a furnace inside your belly when it’s already hot.  Severe swelling is the order of the day.  I clearly remember trying to peer past my belly to my toes, and thinking to myself that they looked like chipolata’s.  Fat little pork sausages – actually quite painfully sore.  And when attempting a swim to cool down, the image of a beached whale comes instantly to mind.  Not very flattering, I tell you.

But then I realised something else too.  Come to think of it, sex in May and September are not great either.  Luke’s birthday is in February, when the new school year’s just begun and once again money is tight.  Summer heat still reigns supreme too, hence swelling is present once more.  Cole’s birthday is in June, the winter season for me.  And if you own a Jumping Castle business, then winter is pretty grim.

And then again, if my mother is to be believed then sex in April is also a silly idea.  Both my brother and I have a birthday right at the very beginning of January.  Ever so hot on the heels of Christmas.

So, just perhaps this is the plan.  Taking all of the variables into consideration and calculating the numerous risks, I think a baby in March is a perfect idea.  The weather is beautiful and the rain has not really begun yet.  With regards to schooling the timing is ideal.  Parents are in semi-recovery after Christmas and all of the beginning of the year schooling expenses.  But just be sure that your timing is just right.  You need to miss the Easter rush too.  So given the above, it must mean this – sex in June is marvellously right.  Such a pity I missed my little window period this past year.  But better luck next year.  So watch out Grant, I’ll be coming for you in June.

You have been warned…..

However, if your sexual intentions exclude procreation and are for mere entertainment purposes, then have at it. 

So watch out Grant, I'll be coming for you in January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and even in December.....


  1. I'll start knitting booties so long! Planning on twins maybe?

  2. Haha Helene, Sean only comes home in March, I'll tell him you said I had to stay away ;)

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