The Lombard Crime Family
23 November 2012
The Lombard Crime Family. Can you dig it? So the other night while I was crafting I was
listening to a DVD. I usually listen to
DVD’s and don’t watch them. I’m too busy
working normally and because I simply love watching favourite movies over and
over again, I don’t need the actual visuals in any rate as I can picture it all
so clearly in my head. And what with
Grant being away again, it was a whole week of unadulterated chick-flick
splurging. I revisited most of my
favourites – Notting Hill, Love Actually, Dan in real life, The Family Stone,
The Lake House, Crazy Stupid Love and then there was an oldie but a seriously
goodie – Don Juan DeMarco. One of Johnny
Depp’s early masterpieces and a true gem of a movie. In this movie, an ordinary and lonely boy
from Queens, bored with his own life, invents a charming alter ego – Don Juan –
the greatest lover the world has ever known.
And what a wonderful fantasy world he created for himself. The movie is charming, sweet, thoughtful,
poignant and fun. And the cast is made
even the better by Faye Dunaway and Marlon Brando. So while I was listening to the movie and
crafting away, my mind started drifting, as it so often does. I enjoyed the rolling and melodic sound of
the Spanish accent, on Johnny Depp’s tongue.
And that of Marlon Brando. The
way the words seemed to simply burst forth from them, as if filled with a joy
of their own. I loved the names of the
other characters too – Dona Ana, Don Octavio De Flores, etc.
And it got me thinking. Us Lombards would make an awesome Mafioso
style Italian crime family. Just think
about it. Firstly we have the whole
numbers thing going for us. There are
absolutely loads of us – grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins
galore – many generations. La Familia is
all important to all of us, so that is also a big tick in favour of the Mafioso
style thing. And then, just to complete
our Mafioso crime style image, we do like to spend lots of time together – it’s
how we plot you see. We do loud
boisterous meals together – often. Many
love to cook and absolutely all of us love to eat. We have a family villa, a.k.a.
Cloetenberg. As well as a holiday
hacienda, Kleinbaai. Just think about
it, we could seriously pull this off.
And though technically none of us have ever “done time” that I know of
(well there was that one time that Albert…..but more about that some other
time), we have got all the makings of a crime family. In fact, we could be a big syndicated
organisation or ring if you like.
My uncle Dan is a lawyer, for the
Receiver of Revenue/Customs, no less. So
he would be able to get any of us off (on mere technicalities of course) and
even help to cook the books at the taxman’s end. You know for when we illegally ship over
bootlegged liquor or weapons or stuff like that. My aunt Bettie is a food technician by trade,
so basically she can double as an evil scientist. She has done lots of work for Lever Brothers
and was in their employ for many years, working in their factory, overseeing
production lines, ensuring quality control and who knows what else. She specialised in their division dealing
with washing powders and stuff. You
know, washing powder – conveniently a white powdery substance, very similar
to…..the good stuff. It is a perfect
cover for getting our illegal wares (a.k.a. the good stuff) into the
country. You know, via “Customs”. My uncle Jac, is a dental technician, which
is awesome when it comes to obliterating dental records and creating new
ones. You know how you need dental
records to successfully identify a body?
Well, Jac’s our man. He can make
awkward little problems, simply disappear, with the aid of a dental mould. My uncle Willem is in earth moving – so he’s
our man for getting rid of bodies. He
also has ready and free access to concrete, which is most convenient. It is the perfect foil for disposing of
evidence and bodies too. Alternately
concrete blocks tied to ankles before throwing people into a river or sea, is
also rather effective. My mom is a
“booking agent” for bands. But we all
know that she books “jobs” and not gigs.
She has many connections with equally shady people in the “booking
world” too.
My cousin Gareth’s girlfriend,
Nicole, has just finished the first year of her Honour’s degree in Chartered
Accounting, so she is more than capable of cooking the books. We have a whole host of musicians in the
family, who could pull off the Mariachi band thing successfully. Perhaps if we get them to play “Have you ever
really loved a woman” – the song track to the movie it would be rather
sweet. My uncle Bert is an engineer, and
worked for many, many years at Denel – you know Denel – the South African
weapons manufacturing and aeronautical company.
Rather convenient, I tell you. My
aunt Charmaine works for a company dealing in scrap metal – a lovely ploy and
set-off for our manufacturing branch of the family. My aunt Jan is an artist, and she is able to
do fresco’s on our walls and ceilings, because what is a good Italian villa or
hacienda without fresco’s and beautiful art work all around. Daya is a very, very, very big man, so we use
him as our heavy if people don’t pay back their debts. His size alone is very intimidating and then
of course there is the beard too. My
young cousins are all seriously into their sport and we steered them all in the
direction of hockey. Quite clever, given
the fact that the sport entails the wielding of a weapon so to speak. And I can tell you know, that each time
either Jaco or Attie aim for a ball and whack it to smithereens, they’re
actually visualising knee caps instead.
Grant arranges transport and our fleet requirements, for when we need to
move our goods. My sister Katrine and
her husband Robin, handle the overseas branch of our little empire and keep a
handle on the England side of business.
My brother Albert, is the front
man and the smoke screen behind which we all hide. It is no accident that he always wears black
when he’s performing. Any good Mafioso
frontman wears a black suit and a tie.
His travels all over the world, enable him to meet up with our
“colleagues” overseas. I am the cunning
blogger, who writes trite little stories about family picnics and drivel about
sweet little reunions and family love.
It is highly effective in painting a charming, if slightly distorted
picture of the real state of affairs. It
successfully throws many people off the track and hides the true purpose of our
dealings. I use a complicated coding
system, which I might reveal if paid a large sum of money. But just to give you an idea, if I for
instance blog about my sister, it is actually code for “the drop goes off at
midnight”. If I mention my stepdad,
Daya, it refers to our need for him to sort out a little “problem” by throwing
his rather considerable weight around.
You get the picture.
In their early years, my aunt and
uncle, Jac and Trish, worked in the airways as an airhost and hostess
respectively. All under the auspices of
seeing the world at the airline’s expense, travelling, seeing new places, blah,
blah, blah. Hogwash I tell you. They were making connections and networking
with other crime families overseas.
Doing some legwork, footwork and occasionally spadework too. Hey, everyone has to get their hands dirty,
every so often!
But a successful crime family is
nothing without it’s Don. The big
cheese. The one that pulls all the
strings. But this is where we are clever
and why we’ve got the edge. Because we
have two heads and not just one. Hiding
in the frail body of an 82 year old man, is the mastermind of it all. Oupa Willem to most, but Willem The Hack
Corleone to some – you don’t want to mess with him. And cleverly disguising herself as a granny
in a sweet cloak of loveliness, is my Ouma Helene. Also called Helene The Scribe Corleone – she
keeps record of everything. True, they
have most fooled with their clever little act, but this is merely a testament
to how ingenuous they are. Nothing gets
done without their say-so.
Bet we had you fooled too. Don’t worry about it too much though. We’ve had years and years to perfect our
skills. And truth be told both The Hack
and The Scribe have set excellent examples and trained us well.
So, just out of curiosity, anyone
need a loan perhaps? We offer excellent
interest rates albeit a bit risky if you default on your payment. No?
Some good stuff perhaps? A
Bazooka? Or perhaps you merely need a
hand deftly avoiding the law on a mere technicality, or a set of dental
records. Because if so, we’re your
family. But know this and know it
well. If you mess with one, you mess
with all. And we will take you
down. No holds barred.
Right, pasta anyone? Mi casa es
su casa.
And Mama Mia, don't mess with the Bertolani family either, capish?
ReplyDeleteAgreed, Bettie. Looks as though you had such fun with this Helene.
ReplyDeleteAn don' forget da Outlaws. We don' have to do nuttin', just da name's enough...
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ReplyDelete