A song for Helene

A song for Helene
11 October 2012

Now, if I’ve asked them once, I’ve asked them a thousand times.  What must a girl do???  I refuse to humiliate myself and beg more than is necessary.

Despite repeated requests (I’m not all that subtle), not a single one of my very talented family members have written and dedicated a song to me.  How rude!!!  Is my brother not Albert Frost?  Is my brother-in-law not Robin Auld?  Is my stepdad not Big Bob, a.k.a. Rob Nagel (but I fondly call him Daya)?  Ridiculous, I tell you!!!  And that’s not even mentioning my talented cousins, Jacques, Adam and Gareth.  My uncle Jac.  My grandfather, Oupa Willem.  Then there’s Jaco, who’s also been known to strum the guitar.  My cousin Maria, could do a drum solo for me.  And let’s not forget about my cousin Roxy, of the beautiful and hauntingly husky voice, who could do a little number.  Oh, and my nephew Cory.  Heck, even Luke could try.  I did not pay for 2 years of guitar lessons for nothing.  And to be fair, Amber of the piano skills, could give it a bash too.

Wait!!!!!  Awesome idea!  How about a little collaboration!  I can just picture it now.  Everyone could give of their very best, and without doubt, they should be able to whip up a chart topping winner of a song.  Ah, fame and fortune beckons.  Why, just think.  Thanks to me, I could really put them on the musical map, so to speak.

But, should they decide to decline my very generous offer of being a muse, I might have to outsource.  I do happen to know Koos Kombuis quite well, in fact.  His wife, Kannetjie and I are marvellous friends and I’ve known them for years.  I know Schalk Joubert of the awesome bass skills.  Jannie Hanepoot Van Tonder – the trumpet maestro.  Simon Orange – no one can make a Hammond Organ sound quite like he does.  Arno Carstens – my brother’s brother from another mother (???).  Christ Letcher.  Brendon Jury.  Chris Chamelon.  Sipho Hotstix Mabuse.  Tim Rankin – one of the most awesome drummers around.  Myburgh Grobbelaar – an extremely talented lyricist and song writer.  The list goes on and on and on.  Through my family’s musical connections, arranging festivals and the like I have met and mingled with too many bands to remember.  Just Jinger, Springbok Nude Girls, Squeal, Urban Creep, The Blues Broers (funny, that), and so on and so forth.

I won’t be too fussy about the song.  But I have given the lyrics a bit of thought.  Something along the lines of………”Helene is so beautiful…..la-la-la…..skinny…..la-la-la…..stunning…..la-la-la…..gorgeous…….la-la-la…..did I mention beautiful yet…..la-la-la…..ridiculously thin…..la-la-la…..zinger wings…..la-la-la…..drop dead gorgeous…..la-la-la…..long hair…..la-la-la…..Colonel Sanders…..la-la-la…..talented…..la-la-la…..really exceptionally beautiful…..la-la-la…..toned thighs and no flabby arms…..la-la-la…..”  You know, something truthful, heartfelt and sincere.  Is this really too much to ask?

I mean, in all fairness, this is a really winning offer.  And should they not jump soon, I shall have to look further.  Maybe I should put a limited time offer on being their inspiration.  It’s actually quite selfless of me, all things considered.  And they mustn’t think I’m like desperate or anything.  No ways!  I am sure that there are countless other talented people out there who would simply pounce on the offer of immortalising me in music. 

With the mere snap of my fingers, I could have Peter Gabriel, Sting or even Bono batting at my heels.  In fact, I might actually have to bat them off me.  I would hate for the boys to get into a spat of fisticuffs on my behalf.  Fragile artistic ego’s and all that.

Anyway, must dash, I see I’m getting an incoming call from Robbie Williams and I am absolutely going to have to phone Usher back.  That dude has been on my case like you won’t believe.  Ah, what’s a girl to do…..