Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip
30 October 2012
My kids just love
travelling. Or perhaps they just love it
when I travel? Because quite often, I
find myself saying “pack your bags we’re going on a guilt trip”. This when they’re bemoaning some or other
injustice that’s been done to them.
Usually by me. “You don’t……. Why didn’t I……. I’m always…….”. They are all pro’s at the parent-guilt-trip. If only it worked. And if only I cared.
Because all I can say in response
to their whinging is, “quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”. Because, I really and truly don’t. One of the few perks of parenting, is the
right to make unilateral decisions. I
don’t have to ask their permission. I am
the boss. And if they don’t like my
decisions, then my heart pumps lumpy custard for them. Because once again I just don’t care. I know this may sound callous and harsh. They are obviously allowed to have an opinion
and give input, should the occasion call for it. I listen to them, give them their time and if
there is merit to what they’re saying it may hold sway. But the buck stops with me. I am older than them. I am wiser than them. I have more experience than them. And unlike my children, who often only see
short term rewards and not long term gains, I get to make the final call. I am not autocratic or a dictator, by any
means. I feel that I’m fair and
just. And if they don’t like my
decision, they may voice their opinion, but I will hold steady. If they don’t like it, they’ll have to get
over it. I’ve told all of them that I’m
not running a popularity contest. They
don’t have to like me. It would be
marvellous if they did, but not necessary all of the time. In fact, I would be a highly ineffective
parent if wasn’t able to do just that – parent.
A word synonymous with unpopularity at times.
Last week, Amber had her
entrepreneurship day at school. A much
anticipated event. She fondly nurtured
visions of money streaming in. Of being
able to buy clothes and magazines and jewellery galore. I told her that all we could do, was make
some awesome goodies. Make a really nice
poster to advertise her wares, have a fair price, do a bit of selling on the
day and hope for the best. I was happy
to fork out the initial money to cover her costs – the raw products if you
would. But I ensured that we kept track
and a list of our expenses. I also told
her that if I already had any goodies that she required in the house, they
would be on me – a freebie if you like.
And in the same vein, I would give her a float, enabling her to have
change for her clientele. But from the
get-go I told her, that she would only start showing a profit, after covering
all of her costs. Am I perhaps too
harsh? But the whole point of the
entrepreneurship day, after all is as part of an Economic Management and
Sciences project. Yes, she is my lovely
little girl, but she had to experience first-hand how these things worked.
On the big day, I went to the
school and supported her and various other kids as well. And my Berry’s sales were not stellar to be
truthful. When I fetched her from
school, she was not happy. She had only
made R197. Until I pointed out that she
still had to pay me. R97, if you don’t
mind. She was so upset with me and said
“what type of mother would do this to their own little girl?”. To which, I replied “me, hand over the
dosh”. We got home and amidst much
grumbling at first, she conceded defeat and parted with some of her
earnings. We sat down together and made
a little deal. I would only charge her
for the cost of the goodies that were sold and with that in mind, I refunded
her R47. A very fair deal in my opinion,
and she was delighted. The rest of her
stock would be used for stocking fillers and the like. I’m hoping she learnt something from
this. And I’m very proud of the hard way
that she worked towards her goal. She
was diligent in making her things and had great joy in doing so. And even before we had reached our deal, she
had seen the light so to speak, handed over her R97 and was delighted with the
resulting R100 profit. The rest was a
marvellous bonus. But I had to justify
it and make it legit. Not a hand-out, as
it would have taken away her pleasure in earning it herself. This way she feels justified and proud of her
efforts. A wonderful outcome and a true
win-win.
But alas, Amber is not my only
child who excels in the field of parental guilt tripping. With Luke in tow, it’s a case of continually
having my bags packed. If things
depended on him alone, I’d permanently be off on some or other guilt trip. So, at the moment, quite unsurprising, I’m in
the dog box so to speak, yet again. And
the cause of my latest foray into travel?
Well, I am sure that in his opinion I am being very mean spirited. I won’t let him change a subject for next
year. But not just any subject either –
Design. I have a talented boy. No, wait – let me rephrase that – a very
talented boy. A child with a knack for
art. But he would like to forfeit his
chance to pursue this field. Pray tell
why? Well, that’s an easy question to
answer. Design is very, very, very hard
work. Entailing difficult projects - stretching your imagination, boundaries and
concept of what you’re capable of. His teacher
this year, also happens to be the head of the department – a known
perfectionist and hard task master. A virtual
slave driver if Luke is to be believed. And,
actually I do believe Luke. However I also
believe that this is a good experience for Luke. That it is bringing forth remarkable work
from him. And I will not bow down to a
whim of his and let him switch to an easier cop-out subject just so that he can
get a free ride so to speak and high marks on an insignificant and virtually
worthless subject that would teach him nothing.
I dutifully listened to Luke’s
reasoning. He would not be following a
career path in design, because he reckons that at the ripe old age of fourteen
he has his life and career all mapped out ahead of him. We approached the topic of switching subjects
from all different angles and the truth eventually came out. He liked the work he was delivering. He enjoyed the final product of his
labours. He even enjoyed the process of
seeing his project grow. However, the
hours required and amount of work needed left him very unimpressed. It severely impeded on his free time. And he was sure that if he perhaps had a
different design teacher things would be better, as it would be easier for him. So he made a fatal flaw in his reasoning, by
admitting that he really enjoyed it. And
let’s not forget my motherly conviction that he is good.
Still I promised him that I would
give the subject some thought. I even
phoned the school and the Design teacher phoned me back. We had a long conversation and I told him my
dilemma. That I was a biased mother, who
believed her child had talent. That I felt
he would deeply regret his decision if he gave up the subject. That I firmly believed he had ability, but
that I realised that I was not impartial.
I told him that I didn’t want to waste his time and that I wouldn’t want
him to waste mine either. If he felt
Luke was a hopeless case, we could call it quits. No harm done.
Surely nothing would frustrate him more than having a child lacking in
vision and skill as a pupil. I wouldn’t
want to push Luke in a direction if he was a hopeless case. Yet, I knew he wasn’t. And Mr Visser assured me the same. That Luke had bucket loads of talent and
showed lots of promise. However, I am
not a fool. And realise that he could
easily just say this in any rate, so as to not lose face with a parent and
admit defeat. Whatever the truth, Luke
will be continuing with Design. Sorry
for him.
Saying he’s annoyed with me, is
putting it mildly. I have however
explained my position to him a few times already. I am his mom.
I get to make the final decision.
My job is not to give him his every heart’s desire. But rather to guide him along this
journey. Assisting him in making
informed, unbiased and correct decisions, not based on emotion alone. So whether he likes it or not, Design it
shall be. I eagerly look forward to more
masterpieces. Yes, it’s lots of hard
work. Requiring many, many hours. But the satisfaction and pride in a final
piece, outweighs the effort and hard work in getting there every time.
And given a few days, I am sure
that this will blow over and will only be raised again with every consecutive
Design project in the future. But in the
short term, there will be some or other new reason to get me to pack my bags
and send me off on a guilt trip. Yet again
– if only it worked and if only I cared.
Just as well I never unpack my bag.
2nd Term project - name with a mirror image of it, just below, filled with colourful geometric patterns
3rd Term project - drawing of crushed tins
To quote my sister Bettie:
ReplyDelete"You're strict!"
I agree completely!
Parenting is not for sissies!
I love Lukes drawings of the crushed tins!! Got the artistic genes!
ReplyDeleteHelene I so do admire you for sticking to your guns, I was very strict but
ReplyDeletemy children never listned to me, still don't!!!! And I have always said
that before I die, I have to have at least one person shiver and shake in
their boots when I speak to them, just one person in the world that
would be terrified of me xxxxx
love Mandy
Brilliant! I have to take lessons from you. Blerrie children, they can't help it, but then again...neither can we! Honey insists she's going to get a new mummy from Tesco. Another good saying 'sorry for you'! Your parenting skills and tactics have always been a excellent example to me. xxxx ps. Can't get over Luke's tin drawings. Amazing!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant Helene, and I admire you so much for sticking to your guns. It's not easy. As my sister said the other day when someone told me how lucky I am with my kids, it's NOT luck, it's damn hard work! They will thank you for it some day. And Mandy, sorry my dear - you are far too nice, gentle & kind for anyone to ever be scared of you! Love, Zelda. xxx
ReplyDelete