Kids say the darndest things
9 November 2012
Kids say the darndest
things. They really and truly do. They have an amazing ability to, with a few
choice words, reduce grown-ups and in fact anyone in their vicinity into
melting puddles of pathetic-ness. They
are brutally honest. They lack in
sensitivity and are able to get to the crux of a matter in a very direct
manner. And as mentioned before, with a few
succinct words, they can cut through the crap and get right to the heart. They don’t have a filter and what pops up in
their head, simply spews out through their mouth. Us adults sometimes get so swept up in being
overly correct and diplomatic. But kids
go where angels fear to tread.
And marvellous though this
honesty is, it can be particularly painful, especially if you’re the focus of
it. This morning, on our way to school,
a very sweet gentleman was handing out leaflets. I simply always take one, no matter what they
advertise because I feel so sorry for them just standing there. So this morning’s little ad of the day, was a
request for volunteers to try out a new and revolutionary diet product,
promising guaranteed weight loss. Well,
I was like a sitting duck for Amber.
With one glance at the pamphlet, she took it from my hand and exclaimed
excitedly “Wow, Mommy, so are you going to call them and try it?”. Gee, thanx Amber! Why don’t you tell me how you really feel. Perhaps once I’ve been able to pry the knife
from my back, I’ll get around to making that phone call. Hrmphhh!!!
And then there was the time that
I made us a lovely and delicious meal for supper. A masterpiece if I say so myself. Roast chicken, rice and yummy gravy,
cauliflower and cheese sauce, roast potatoes and peas. And then, on the spur of the moment, shortly
before calling everyone to come and eat, I decided to add a little salad. But once I checked the contents of my fridge,
the only salad ingredients that I had at my disposal were cucumbers and
tomatoes. Oh well, I thought. A little diced tomato and cucumber salad will
be fine. It will add a bit of colour and
go down well. And then when we sat down
at the dinner table to eat my proudly prepared meal, Amber took one look at the
salad and raised her eyebrows. She
looked up at me with disbelief and said “Do you call this a salad?”. Well, my mouth literally fell open. And while I was still trying to pick my jaw
up and look for a blunt instrument with which to whack her (I don’t do cheeky),
she said to me without missing a beat “This salad only has three ingredients
(at this stage I was calculating like mad, because there clearly were only two
ingredients) – tomatoes, cucumber and disappointment”. I think I sat down with buckled knees,
opening and closing my mouth and doing my best fish impression. I truly couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t missed a beat and spent no time formulating
her little comeback. It just shot
straight out of her mouth. However will
I deal with her as a teenager, if she could say this to me at 9 years of age?
Cole has also dropped me in the
dwang every so often. You know how they
can point and loudly whisper – “look at that fat lady/funny man/ugly
shirt/weird hair”, etc. Truly
embarrassing and with a very high cringe factor involved. As a very little boy, we went shopping
together once and we got a few goodies at PNA.
And as we got to the counter and the cashier helped us, Cole looked her
straight in the eye and said, "you’re a sexy lady". Awkward!
And then there was the time he told me all about how hot his friend’s
mom is. Rather inappropriate I thought,
as he was only about four at the time.
In fact his words were “Bryce’s mom is really hot”. Look, the boy’s got taste, because Bryce’s
mom is a hottie and is always beautifully groomed, but I still found it an odd
thing for a little boy to say. I clearly
needed to get to the bottom of this. So,
I asked him very innocently “Why is Bryce’s mom so hot my boy”. To which he replied very nonchalantly (as if
to say, “Uh duh”) – “Bryce’s mom is hot because she wears lipstick”. Right, so that sorts that out. Clearly I don’t wear lipstick. Wonder where Cole gets his babe tips from?
Even my very prim, proper and
polite Luke has dropped the odd clanger.
When I still had my Toptots Franchise, I had a client who brought her
young daughter to me for classes. But
every so often she brought her very rowdy, very busy and in actual fact quite
destructive older child along as well.
He was a sweet little boy, who clearly needed help channelling his
excess energy. He would storm through my
house, jumping on the couches, opening doors and drawers, running around,
screaming and shouting, pulling things off shelves and just cause chaos in general. He ran completely wild. And for the purpose of this story, let’s call
him John. So, one day, in exasperation
and frustration I was bemoaning the mother’s lack of discipline and control
over her child to Grant. To which my
darling husband, also at the end of his tether, because we had already suffered
a few incidences of breakage due to this child, said that “John is a
poephol”. I know, really uncalled for
and very badly put. Perhaps he was even
speaking a bit out of turn, but clearly he was slightly irritated and also
frustrated. And truth be told we all
clearly knew that the person lacking in discipline was actually John’s mother
and not poor little John. And then one
day in class, I had little Luke with me for the day, as I usually had. And on this occasion wild boy John was also in
tow when his little sister came to class.
And true as Bob, the first thing my little Luke said when he saw John, was “John
Poephol”. Jeez, I nearly died and had to
do a bit of quick thinking on my feet.
So, without missing a beat, I quickly replied “No, Luke. John’s shirt is not purple, it’s red”. Repeating it over and over and trying to
gloss over Luke’s tell-tale clanger. I
really very nearly died. Luckily it
worked and nothing was said, so on this occasion at least, I managed to pull it
off. But probably just and by the skin
of my teeth too.
But probably one of my worsts,
was on Luke’s 3rd or 4th birthday party. Luke was at Chatterbox playschool at the time
and I had asked him in advance which of his friends he would like to Invite. My kids love being involved with their party
planning. So, all of the little guests
were invited, the party day arrived and everyone had a marvellous time. And then when it came to home time and all of
the friends were leaving, I hovered close to the door, thanking people for
coming and for their gifts. And naturally
Luke was also close by so that he could also say goodbye and thanks to his
buddies. One mom and her little boy
Joshua came over as they were about to leave.
And as we were doing all of the farewell pleasantries, Luke tugged on my
shirt, looked me straight in the eye and said in a very loud, very piercing
little voice “this is the wrong Joshua – I wanted the other Joshua to come to
my party”. Embarrassing beyond belief. I believe I looked daggers at Luke to which
he replied again “What Mommy? This is
the wrong Joshua”. KIDS!!!
These are just the mere tip of
the iceberg. My kids have left me
mortified on many an occasion. Now having
their little verbal volley’s directed at me, is one thing, but it’s those poor
unsuspecting “strangers” out there. It’s
them I really feel sorry for you. All one
can hope for is that they are also parents.
Because fellow parents understand – it’s happened to them too.
And if I’m being 100% truthful,
the fact of the matter is this – no matter how embarrassing and awkward at the
time, reminiscing about these little faux pas’ afterwards is always fun. But then again, I suppose you have to have a
sense of humour for that. And luckily
for me and them, I have loads of humour.
Because without the humour you simply can’t survive the parenting
thing.
I simply wouldn’t change my kids
and their big mouths for the world. They bring me too much joy!
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