Bribing my kids? Or providing incentives?

Bribing my kids? Or providing incentives?
17 September 2014

It’s the old carrot versus the stick debate.

When encouraging your kids to do certain things, what approach is best?  Threatening with dire consequences and punishments?  Bribing them to do your bidding.  Or coaxing them with the possibility of a reward at the end of it all?

Personally I think the carrot wins every time.  Why wouldn’t it? 

Cause I think with the carrot approach, you engage.  You encourage honesty, as opposed to deceit in order to avoid the much dreaded dire consequences and punishments tact.

Kids work towards a goal.  And isn’t working every day, at a job, exactly the same thing?  The lure of the salary check, waiting at the end of each month?  The main reason for pitching up daily, and doing your thing.  Cause without the buck at the end of the month, there surely is no point to it all.

So, I’m definitely more a carrot type of girl.  But I like to shake things up.  I don’t like calling it bribery, which is kind of, “If you do this, then mommy will buy you this or give you that”.  It sounds pretty nasty to me.  A bit like bullying to get my own way.  Which to be truthful, in essence it is.

I prefer to look upon it as an incentive scheme.  That has to be earned over a period of time.  A form of enticing my kids to do their bit.  To play their part.  To toe the line.

I mainly battle with one kid – the littlest of the lot.  He has to be gently coaxed, with a carrot at all times.

Being simply good and behaving, for the express purpose of being good and behaving seems like a pointless exercise to him.  Having ADHD means that he loses interest fast.  Very often, can’t stick to something.  And lacks staying power at the best of times.

Working towards something he really badly wants, is often the small difference between me losing my marbles.  And hanging on to them with a thread.

The past week, saw him on his absolute best behaviour at school.  He was working towards a plastic soccer ball incentive.  The type that costs R10.  That he could buy with his own saved up birthday money.  The type of ball he would kick over the neighbour’s wall on the first afternoon.  Or kick high up into the trees.  Or over inflate with the ball pump at home.  Or let the dogs chew.  Or sit on and pop by accident.  (All these scenarios have actually happened.  Most more than once.  Twice.  Or thrice.)

Yet, it tickled his fancy.  Wouldn’t break the bank.  And was a pretty harmless carrot I thought.  Additionally, when I came up with the suggestion, he was delighted.  And thus he really, really wanted it.  And thought it worthy of his efforts.

A win-win.  For me.  For Cole.  And for the long-suffering and very patient Mrs Fick.

This week, sees him working towards a packet of jelly snake sweets.  A bit more pricey at about R12.  Yet so far so good.  We seem to be on track.

And I’m suspecting we’ll hopefully be in for yet another good week.  A win-win.  For me.  For Cole.  For the long-suffering and very patient Mrs Fick.  As well as for my sweet tooth.  I don’t really believe in rewarding with food treats, but the end justifies the means.  And Cole subscribes to sharing.  So I presume that all of us with get a snake.

It is hard knowing what to do.  And how to motivate them to deliver their best.  What works for one kid, won’t work for another.  What is deemed suitable as a reward this week, might not work at all the next.

Perhaps the biggest lesson as a parent, is to remain fluid.  To interact.  And to make them a part of it.  Which will have the additional reward of having them engage.  Feeling inclusive.  Working towards a mutually beneficial goal.  Letting them feel like they have an input and can make a decision for the greater good.

 

Which they do.  Good behaviour vs bad.

Letting my mind drift to next week’s incentive so long.  Perhaps yet another plastic soccer ball.   The type that costs R10.  That he could buy with his own saved up birthday money.  The type of ball he would kick over the neighbour’s wall on the first afternoon.  Or kick high up into the trees.  Or over inflate with the ball pump at home.  Or let the dogs chew.  Or sit on and pop by accident.  (All these scenarios have actually happened.  Most more than once.  Twice.  Or thrice.)  …..

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