From the birds and the bees, to family trees.: Truth behind the evolution of the species

Truth behind the evolution of the species
22 March 2013

The evolution of the species. That Charles Darwin dude sure had it all wrong. Clearly, he didn’t have teenagers. He messed the whole story up. None of that humans descending from apes, mumbo-jumbo. That’s just a cover for what actually happened. The real story is far more juicy. Yet believable too. So, this is how it all really went down.

We weren’t all originally covered in body hair. Or walking on all fours. Nobody dragged their little wife around by her long hair. Opposable thumbs were there all along.

But despite all of this, all was not hunky dory. All was quite simply not well.

Many, many years ago, our species was facing extinction. The birth rate had dropped. Procreation had in fact nearly stopped. I’d like to believe that copulation was still fine though, but who can really tell. Pre-historic man had started exercising birth control measures. Perhaps the rhythm method was used? The entire human race was on the brink of collapse. A population apocalypse was sure to follow. All trace of our very existence, wiped off the earth. No evidence would even be left of us all.

And the reason for this? Where did it all go wrong?

Well, the answer is quite simple. Teenagers were the ones to blame. Who else?

The elders and adults in society, found it rather hard to cope with their continuous exposure to the most testing of specimens who roamed our fair earth. The teenagers.

They were lazy. They liked to lie around. They gave lots of lip. They grunted quite a lot. Though, to be fair, everyone did in those days. Our language had not yet fully developed.

The pre-historic girl teenagers were all obsessed with their hair. In fact, I do believe that they actively encouraged the wild and teased hair look. They couldn’t be bothered to help their elders with the gathering of food. Or grinding it all down. They forgot to tend to the fire. Didn’t like looking after the young. All in all, they were pretty useless and rather annoying.

The pre-historic boy teenagers weren’t really any better. They all tried to prove that they were the alpha males. They thought they knew everything and were very opinionated. They even tried teaching their male elders how to hunt. Well, that’s when they actually could be bothered to lift one of their fingers and put themselves out.

A crises was looming. Our species was heading for a fall. The male elders put their heads together. To try and think of a solution. If only they had consulted the females in the pack. But back in those days, those poor chicks simply didn’t have any rights. No voice and not much of a say.

Which does make it rather ironic then, that the solution to the dilemma was found by a woman. A very ordinary one at that. I believe she was in fact a mother. And her solution was so very clever and unexpected, it took them by surprise. Furthermore, it was a rather obvious and eloquent solution to a rather troublesome problem. And so, they decided to give it a bash.

The only way to minimise the cancerous effect of continued and lengthy exposure to teenagers, was to let them sleep late. To let them sleep their very fill. For the adults to merely get on with their day. Unhampered and weighted down by the annoying presence of teenagers all the time. As well as the frustration of trying to micro-manage them into submission, and doing hard labour and contributing positively towards the pack.

And by that one simple act, letting them sleep late, the entire species managed to turn things around. The adults would get up early as was their habit and get right stuck into their work. They’d graft and they’d graft for the common good of one and all.

And only much later in the day, would the teenagers finally awake from their slumber. Once the adults were satisfied that most of the work was done. And the daily pressures had dropped.

Oh, the teenagers still had to do chores. But these were slightly easier ones now. Less straining. Less needing of constant supervision. Perhaps the fetching of water. Or looking for firewood. And perhaps by reducing their responsibility, the adults and elders found their presence, when they did finally emerge from their hibernating state, to be less taxing in turn.

And due to the hard physical exertion that the adults did, they were tired rather early and went to bed when the night was still young. As opposed to the teenagers, who were still really only in the morning faze of their day.

And thus, daily exposure of adults to teenagers dropped to a mere eight hours a day, as opposed to the original and rather trying and debilitating sixteen. This was a much healthier state of affairs. In fact, adults suddenly had more time for procreation and copulation too. They also believed that their teenagers were not all that bad, due to their shortened exposure.

So basically, our biological clocks (not of the tick-tock-tick-tock I want a baby variety) were synchronized. So that we would not have to see so much of each other every day. Thereby annoyance and frustration levels dropped. The urge to do physical bodily harm too.

And in actual fact, had we not made this essential and vital adaptation, none of those annoying pre-historic teenagers, would even have lived to become parents. And procreate our species. Without them, none of us would even be here.

And clearly this worked. Because we are here to tell the tale. This biological adaptation was inspired. It saved us all. And this habit has continued until today. The adults rise early and get on with life. All this whilst the teenagers are still in hibernation. And only much later in the day, do they arise. Thereby minimising our exposure to their annoying presence and behaviour. And once we’ve gone to bed, they stay up late into the night. Watching those irritating Kardashians and Cribs to boot. Thereby minimising their exposure to our annoying presence and behaviour too.

And so, our species has remained intact. Our future was secured.

The human race was saved.

Man, descending from apes! Poppycock, I say!

(I would like to pay tribute to my friend John Pereira, for his insight and idea for this story. And though I reworked it a bit, the essence remained the same. Thanx!)