Dear Soccer Players

Dear Soccer Players
13 July 2014

Dear Soccer Players

I would like to thank you for your wonderful entertainment, during this most magnificent football competition – The Soccer World Cup.  It has been thrilling, and has kept me spellbound.  And this coming from me – a non-football fan.  I’ve been well pleased.  And so has my family.

However, at this juncture, I feel it is fair to point a few things out.

Though passion is good, and even encouraged, there are limits.  Crying as if you’ve lost a limb or a family member, because you’ve merely lost a match, is perhaps taking dedication a bit far.  Nor is cranking it right up to outraged hysteria, really warranted. 

It is good to maintain perspective.  Soccer is a game.  Yes, I do understand that there are things such as sponsorships, endorsements, and match-winning bonuses.  But at the core, soccer is still a game.  Played by a few professionals for money.  Played by millions more in their backyards and in the streets, for the pure love of the game.  And enjoyed by billions all over the world.  Spectators.  By the humble us.  Your fans.  The ones that make those sponsorships, endorsements and match-winning bonuses possible.

There are people who have faced imminent death with greater fortitude and less dramatics.  I would hope that you match your soccer passions, with deserving passions in real life.  Where everything is not a game.

I also understand that money is a great motivator, but for many of you, you earn more in one match, than most of us will earn in a lifetime. 

I take nothing away from your skill.  Or the hours of practice and dedication it’s taken you to get to this level of excellence.

Still, your skill is in kicking a ball.  Just putting it out there.

Which brings me to another point.  If given a ball, most people will do one of three things:  Either throw it, kick it, or use an object to make it move.  In other words, a bat, a racket, a stick, a club, etc.  Basically, an inanimate item is used to propel the ball forwards or backwards.  Making it move in the direction you would like it to move.

I don’t quite get the point of using your head.  The area that cushions your brain.  Once again, just putting it out there.

Cause here’s the thing – a soccer ball, is hard enough to dismember a digit, if you hit it hard enough.  Possibly even dislocate it, and bring forth immense pain.  It’s helluva hard.  Just imagine what it would do to your noggin. 

Personally, I’d far rather you use your hand than your head.  But I suppose that would be defeating the object a bit.  And could potentially lead to rugby.

Also, if any of your ever decide to give up the soccer arena, there is a far greater stage beckoning you – the wonderful world of acting and theatrics.  Once again, a light tap to the shin, does not really warrant the writhing about you’re so wont to do.  And to be fair, in some cases, you miss the critical coup.  For any great act to be believed, there must be premise.  And timing.  It is far more believable to make your audience buy into your I’m-in-unbearable-pain-because-my-opponent-intentionally-hurt-me, if your opponent did actually hurt you.  If there is no actual physical contact, it’s really a very tough sell.  No one will be buying your act.  And in case you’re wondering – big screens.  Worldwide live televised broadcasts.  If you’re faking it, we know it.  With every repeat broadcast.

And lastly, to Luis Suárez – I like you.  I really do.  I’m thinking about inviting Neymar for dinner.  Hoping you’ll pop around for a bite to eat.  But if you don’t fancy Brazilian cuisine, I can offer you some Italian, German, Dutch, French…

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Luis Suarez showing off his greatest weapons on the field - not his feet, but his teeth